little Shiba's

You guys have to check this out.

I've been watching these lil puppies for 2 weeks now.  Maybe you've already seen them or heard about them, I know they made it on the news all of the world.  They're almost ready to go to their new homes, so theres not too much time left to watch them.

If nothing else makes you smile today, these babies will.

I keep them on my monitor, full screen, when I'm not doing anything........they are just tooooooo adorable.

<3

http://www.ustream.tv/channel/shiba-inu-puppy-cam

Ayumi is my favourite, I want her.

Oh, and sometimes if you check the cam is off air.  But check back because it's on most of the time :)

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untitled.

I think a lot of men probably laugh or just simply don't understand why women can sometimes cry for no reason at all.  Perhaps maybe men do this also........but I don't think so.  I don't understand why it happens either, but I know it does, and often to me.  Well maybe theres always some reason, but.... I dunno.  I was just sitting here, watching the movie Prancer, and writing someone a christmas card and have had wet eyes ever since.

Ugh.  Like now again...  And I don't know why, at all.  That movie was one of my favourite christmas movies when I was younger and I couldn't even remember what it was about, but I downloaded it, watched it, and loved it all over again.  I also know why I love (and have always loved) animals so much. 

And it makes me think about love...........and how easy it is to fall in immediate love with an animal.  I do it all the time, we all do.  I guess cause they don't talk or bother you.  Dunno.  But I do know I love most animals right away and that love is as strong as it is towards a human.  In fact, I probably love more animals then humans.  I guess that's pretty sad.

The movie also made me think and wish that everything we knew about christmas as a child, was real.  It was so much more fun when we were kids..........believing.... and anticipating......mostly believing.  In Santa, in reindeer.......angels.......all of that.  Right now it just makes me sad because I really wish for that.  I guess I have this problem with wanting to re-live childhood again.  (and this thought just made me cry even harder, so i know it's very true)  I was much happier as a child.  I don't fit in with practically any adults.

Sex bothers me.  I don't need it to exist.  (It doesn't exist to me)  But how every single person I know always talks or references it, I get extremely uncomfortable.  I have never been comfortable in this area, and never will be.  It makes me embarrased I guess, and I seriously just hate it.  And I do get sad about it because everything always has to be about sex.  Another reason I wish I could just be a kid again.

Well I kind of thought writing right now might help me a bit, but it hasn't as you can see I'm a bit distraught, and also my white sleeve is now full of black mascara.  It's also almost 5 in the morning.  I will go.

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nothing

im feeling quite sick again at the moment...

its nothing tho.  i actually think the whole thing started in my head.........

i woke up, after briefly sleeeping for 2 hours and again was angry that i was up. 

wes is leaving today to go to new brunswick for work, so i couldnt go back to sleep right away anyways cause i wanted to say bye.

so i layed with charly while he showered and got ready and all, then we got up and saw him off..........i cried for like 10 minutes and here i am again on the computer.

im sweating. bad.  and i feel nausious, but i dont think i'll throw up or anything this time.  but its weird because this is EXACTLY the same thing that happened the last time......

i'm even basically off the wellbutrin now, my side effects have pretty much all subsided, so im confused as to why im sitting here feeling all clammy and sweaty again.

i seriously just had to change into a nightshirt cause i couldnt handle what i was wearing.

and it like comes in waves.........ugh. the last blog i wrote like this, i printed out and showed to my doctor... well he said i had an anxiety or panic attack.  im not feeling as if im going to die or anything right now, and im not crying anymore, but i dunno.

he gave me ativan......which i have here but havent taken yet.  im only supposed to take it when i feel one of those episodes coming on..  i might take one actually. it will probably help me sleep.

so im going to be alone for 2 weeks. im happy and sad about it.  i dunno.  im gonna try and use this time to do some "soul searching" or whatever the hell you wanna call it.  try and "find myself"  i finally have an appt booked with a psychiatrist on the 18th of this month.  im gonna definatly make a list of whats going on with me to bring to him, cause if i dont, ill probably waste an entire hour crying.

god im weak.  anyways. im going to take a pill.

bleh

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history in the making.

So, what an intense night with this presidential election.

I do not do politics.

I do not understand them, and I can't be bothered.

And I also hate liars.

I've never watched ANY of the American election coverage before in my life, but I did watch tonight.

And I did watch the first debate they had at the end of September.

I honestly don't know much about it.  But I did know I wanted Obama.  I guess, (probably along with many many others) I knew in the back of my head he would be elected president of the U.S  And I think this is a FANTASTIC thing.

I've been watching CNN for hours now, and I'm still getting shivers.

And yes, I am Canadian.  But that's not important.  Maybe it's because Canada and America are so close to each other....(we are in North America after all) or maybe not, but one thing we all know, Barack winning, is big.  Huge.  America needed this.  The entire world can benefit from this.  I think there has to be many happy people this evening.

Tonight, I'm thinking of change.

I'm thinking of the troops....and what they're thinking....and I know they have GOT to be partying it up out there eventually.... and anticipating the end of this war...and getting the hell outta there and home where they belong.

Get

Them

Out!

Another thing I'm thinking about is how HUGE it is, that America was elected a black president.  Amazing.  It makes me think of hope, and happiness and how perhaps, finally, this world has moved up a level and looked past the absurdity of racism.  Black+White=1.

I love this and I'm so very happy for the entire african american race.

Like I said, I don't know much about any of this, but I do think this is going to be a very good thing.

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Life........

Sorry everyone, just a warning this one might be me complaining again.

First, one thing that I so love was Jessica, my cousins baby, called here tonight.  With Mel of course.  The message was so cute, she said "Hi Jenny...Just wanted to say Hi....I love you....Byeeeeeeeeeee" and that was it, but it was definatly the sweetest thing that happened today.  All week probably.  God,  I love her.....

So today wasnt goood.  I woke up this morning at 5:30 and was really upset because I couldnt get back to sleep.  I moved around the house, from bed to bed, to couch, to floor, to this chair.  Then I started not feeling good..........at all.  Really that must have happened in a matter of seconds.  I was sitting here writing another blog, in another website, and my head was pounding, I was sweating profusely, and my breathing was .. not normal.  I started crying of course, cause I was scared.  I had big time stomach pains and was real nauseous so i went to the washroom cause I thought I was gonna throw up, which did happen.  Before that though, i went through about 10 minutes of hell.  I had to get completely naked cause i was so hot, open the window, put my hair up, (I remember thinking cause my stomach hurt so bad, that I do not understand why anyone would ever go through labor......they must be insane) I could hardly breathe at all, so I was trying to control that.  Trying to rest my forehead against the wall to cool myself off and cause I was going to pass out. Pretty much on the verge of fainting.  I know because it hasn't happened in about 5 years, but I remmember what it felt like.  I actually thought I might even be dying.  It sucked.  Finally, after throwing up, I was able to climb back into bed and sleep for a little longer.  Was relieved that my stomach had settled.  Really scary.

So, it's all because of the side effects of this damn pill.  I called my doctor today, but he was off or something, so I'm calling back tomorrow and going in so he can wean me off.  I've been living with these side effects for way too long.

Sorry if I have already written this stuff in here, I don't think I have tho so check it out.

I'll mark in red the ones I have I've been experiencing..

Side effects of Wellbutrin

More common
• abdominal pain (today being the first time)
• constipation
• decrease in appetite (yep, i've hardly eaten anything, in a long time.)
• dizziness
• dryness of mouth (yep. it sucks and I hate it)
• increased sweating (so bad that it's taking over my life and I now refuse to go in public until it stops)
• nausea or vomiting (im always nauseous, so its nothing really new i guess..)
• trembling or shaking (this is another reason why i will not go in public anymore.  its bad. like really really reall bad.)
• trouble sleeping
• weight loss (unusual)

Less common
• blurred vision
• change in sense of taste (yep. one time i couldnt even enjoy pizza hut!) haha.
• drowsiness
• feeling of fast or irregular heartbeat
• frequent need to urinate (quite annoying)
• muscle pain
• sore throat
• unusual feeling of well-being (well....yeah.)

 Soooo....I need to get off this train. and fast.  I hope it won't be too hard to wean off and I hope the side effects stop soon. 

I believe I have mentioned the shakiness/trembling in here before.  It's awful and one of the worst ones.  It keeps me awake because I'll be almost asleep and then my leg will jerk or my arm or my entire torso and I'm up again.  I had to renew my drivers license a few weeks back and to stand still for my picture was nearly impossible.  Another example was trying to edit this blog (highlight, bold, picking colours.....)  could hardly do that cause I would click the wrong thing always. 

One more thing too, when I get my period, I go off my blood thinners, cause it was getting too heavy...  My doctors all allowed this of course.  Well, last month my period was so freaking long, I swear it might have been over 3 weeks.  So being off the pills for that long.........I know Dr Mehta has said before it wouldn't affect me, but, I don't know.  I'm thinking it could be a reason of why my breathing is getting worse lately.  I'm hoping so anyways.  I started up again 2 nights ago, so I can't wait til my blood is flowing all nice and fast and smooth again :) I also started my freakin period again yesterday but I don't care I'm staying on the pills this time.

I'm very sick of all this nonsense.  Really I am.  I can't wait til one day soon I can have just ONE day without something going wrong, affecting me, or me hurting in some way or another.

Life..................

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Weather report

It's snowing!!!

What the heck?!?!?!

:)

Bedtime now, that's all I had to say.

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Awful

Last night.

Last night was horrible.  Wes and I were real bored and doing absolutely nothing.... But then Pete came over with his fat friend Tony.  They were going to the bar and ended up convincing us to go too... which was cool, cause Pete's sisters were both going and I love his sisters.

So we were having a good time...

I seen one loser that I hated in highschool and I have no idea why I said hi to him, but I did.  He didn't remember me and I wasn't surprised..  Then at the end of the night I saw an old aquaintance/friend Kevin and he didn't recognize me either.  I THINK he remmebered me after... he must have.  But that pissed me off.  It shouldn't have, at all. But I was insulted.  So I turned back to go to my table and someone, I forget who, told me Wes was pissed off at me for talking to that guy.  So right away I got mad.  Then he came outta the washroom or whatever and said no he didn't care about me talking to him, but he doesn't know what to think because SOMEONE (of the people we were with) went up to him and said something like "so I hear you and Jenn aren't gonna make it..."

Well, i LOST it.  Completely freakin lost it.  I have never acted like I did last night and today, I'm completely embarrased.  I was freaking out, screaming, demanding they tell me who the hell said that.  I freaked on Pete because while we were still at my house, when Wes was in the shower, (and Pete and I are extremely close, he knows everything.....) so he asked me what I thought was going to happen with Wes and I.  I said I didn't know really... but it's not good.  That was all.  I remember now, talking about how messed up my life is, to him and Tony.  Pete swore it wasn't him who said anything and I should have believed him, because now he's probably pissed off at me.  I still don't know who said it.  Probably Tony, or maybe Chantal, Pete's sister.

And honestly, don't even ask me why I'm making such a big deal over this, but I am and I'm pissed and I want to know.

Anyways I seriously dont even remember how we got home last night..........oh a friend drove us, right.  Last night, was the first time Wes and I have talked about our "relationship" in probably 3 or 4 years.  I cried for several hours.  I was bugging the shit outta him and so he broke my iPod.  I tore the towel rack off the wall in the bathroom.  Freaking ridiculous.

I'm embarrased.  Ashamed.  Humiliated  and pissed.

I don't know what I'm going to do. 

I have to go.  My mom called and she's making me go there for dinner cause her great aunts or someone are over.

Like I feel like doing this.

(I know this is a horrible entry...I don't expect anyone to comment.)

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