August 23, 2008. Me and Teddy.

Ah, the doldrums. They have not quite lifted. In an email earlier today, a friend suggested I try to work at my old job again. If the firm were not coming apart at the seams, I might have considered that at one time. But not now. No, when I got out of there, it was definitely time to go. There is no going back.

My email was hanging tonight and my system was freezing. Allen scoped it out and came to the conclusion everything was fine except for the download. Because I am such a skeptic, I decided it must be sabotage. I was certain someone was sending me a bogus file that would snarl, cripple, and eventually ruin my system. After doinking the thing a half dozen times, we put in a call to our DSL folks and hoped someone could save us.

It was like old times only I was on the other side of the phone line. We were the typical dopey customers. We could not follow her simple directions. We made assumptions. We could not find the right places to click and so on. It made me laugh. She adopted a polite but bored tone like we do in customer service when the customer is hopeless but we want to be perceived as kind and patient. I'll bet her eyeballs were rolling around in her head. I'll bet she was looking at her watch and jotting down her grocery list for tomorrow.

We did solve our problem with her help tonight and I still have a working system. Now, there's something to be thankful for.

When we were in the thick of it and Allen was testing this and that, I walked downstairs to finish up the dishes. As I was scraping the pot, I tried to imagine life without my PC connectedness. I did not panic as I might have in the past. I felt rather Zen about it. What will be, will be, but I sure do hope I can stay online with my little community of friends.

You guys make life a lot better. Really.

Comments ()

Twas the night before Thanksgiving… Another family holiday looms with no family in sight. Just as well; family gatherings are not always joyous events.

I gathered up the raw materials for a decent Thanksgiving meal tomorrow. Perhaps Allen and I will sneak away in the mid-day for a movie or a walk somewhere. The weather has been spectacular. We need rain but I'm such a sucker for the warm sun. It should be a stellar day for anything we choose to make of it.

A neighbor-friend will come after work for a meal of roast turkey breast, mashed potatoes, salad, green beans and dressing. I rescued some homemade cranberry-orange sauce from the freezer today to provide the yang. I'm not trying out to replace Martha Stewart this year. It will be run-of-the-mill and homey and satisfying (I hope).

For the next four days, Allen and I will be lazing around, tidying up, playing Scrabble and finding things to amuse ourselves. Is it almost Christmas?

Comments ()

I have a full belly and an empty head tonight. You'd be downright appalled at how little there is going on here. Do not bother to overhaul the EKG. It's not an equipment failure. We're just not fussing and stressing. There is still a hint of fog on the mirror so not to worry.

We are doing rental movies tonight. So far, there are no winners in the lot. Earlier today, after scrambled eggs, fried potatoes and fresh tangerine segments, we drove across town to do a little Xmas shopping. Very little. I wanted to see what Catnip and Bones had to offer my pet loving friends. It was slim pickings but not a total waste. After a short walk through the shopping district, we were home again.

Diary, I think I understand why some people get all cerebral in their journals and I have taken a vow. I will stop writing before I make you listen to my inner dialogue, before I delve into the why and what of it all. It's just that I derive pleasure in the simplest little things lately and I'm not sure it will translate well here.

We had the AKC dog show competition on the big screen yesterday and laughed pretty hard when Sadie got riled up over some of the prancing canines. Later, when we walked over to the park to take advantage of yet another glorious day, we let Sadie off leash for the first time. We were so proud of how responsive she was to us. It was her first taste of freedom and she celebrated by twirling, bounding and prancing around in the grass. We loved it.

No, communicating what this life is like now is like trying to tell interesting stories about cats. It's not what they do as much as how they make you feel.

Confession. I have developed a "thing" for reduced fat Cheez Its. If this is not proof that I'm slipping and perhaps lost a few IQ points, what then?

Comments ()

The house smells of good food tonight. It would take a pretty sophisticated nose to identify the source of the lingering odors. It was chicken cacciatore which Allen, under some duress, helped me concoct. It left behind the essence of fresh roma tomatoes, oregano, garlic, parsley and Beaujolais nouveau wine. It smells delicious and I'm tempted to have a bit more, but I won't.

I doubled up on my diuretic today. Perhaps I was a bit hasty in my testing of the drug. It must have been wishful thinking on my part. Despite the introduction of this mild diuretic, I'm still retaining some fluid. I may have to contact Dr. Yau and tell her I had gotten it wrong. I may have to request a new prescription for a higher dose. I don't much care to go down this path.

I've been a slug this long holiday weekend. I crept around here and there, but not with much enthusiasm. I wanted to want to do more, but I did not have much zest for life, little to no élan. Seize the day? Nah, maybe tomorrow.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is showing on the big screen across the hall and I'm winding down. The dishes have been washed, the counters wiped down, two of the three house critters are tucked safely inside and there should be sun here tomorrow as well as one energetic housekeeper. She can seize the day. How about that?

Comments ()

I walked a few steps to Elen's flat late this afternoon with Sadie sprinting alongside me. We were delivering our still warm container of turkey soup and returning two dishes. The dishes - one cup and one shallow flowery bowl - had been delivered to our front door filled with homemade goodies some days ago and now they were cleaned up and ready to go back into Elen's cupboard. It was a tit for tat kind of day here.

The topic of conversation today was a little misunderstanding with the DMV. Elen has no speaker phone so when she made a long-distance telephone call and got put on hold forever, she was forced to sit there for an eternity. Then she was cut off. The DMV - those civil service cretins - cashed her check and yet they think she owes them. They are ready to take possession of her old car and she's losing her mind over it.

She's all worked up and foaming at the mouth mostly because she can't seem to find a way to make it right. They completely ignored her written explanation even though she supplied them with all the facts and figures and photocopies to boot. What kind of a world is this when you cannot even speak to someone about a problem? It is pretty goofy.

I tried to help. I told Elen I would get on the DMV website this evening and see if I could find a FAX number or a toll free number and then we would just send them another little message about her particulars or call them and leave it on speaker phone at my house while we enjoyed a leisurely cup of tea tomorrow

And there we were. We had a plan.

DMV has no 800 number and did not offer even one FAX line for disputes or inquiries about auto licensing fees. It's one hell of a crazy web site, I have to say.

I broke the news to Elen and she sighed the big Elen sigh. I had failed. She's going to hand the entire matter over to her brother, an attorney, to straighten out the little mess. It could be resolved with a few phone calls and a lot of explaining, but I don't want to fail again. She gets so worked up about everything.

We tried.

Comments ()

A couple of weeks ago when my PCP called to give me the results of my sonogram, she heard Sadie barking at something in the background. She asked me what that noise was and when I told her it was my toy Pom, she offered a little tidbit about herself. She said they have a Westie. I teased that I would try to bring Sadie to my next appointment and she encouraged me to do it. We decided I should say that Sadie was my canine companion if someone were to question me.

A few days later, when I was feeling a little on the bold side, I fired off a friendly email to my doc. The subject line was "Cheryl Switzer and a picture of her dog" and I started the note by telling her I knew her time was limited and so on. I attached a couple of what I consider very good photos of Sadie and hit the send button. I never honestly expected anything to come of it. I was fully aware that it was a goofy thing to do.

Today I received an email from my doc. In the text of the message, she said Sadie was very cute and then she attached a photo of her Westie.

The exchange flooded me with good feeling. Diary, I've written to you before about wanting to be seen as more than a bag of bones by my doctors and every little human exchange helps. I know not to be a pest or ask for attention so this was a little outside the boundaries of good sense, but it turned out to be a good thing this time.

When I do have an appointment to see my PCP again, you better believe Sadie will be riding along. God only knows how I'll get her to keep her head down when I try to sneak her into the medical building. However will we manage the waiting room?

Comments ()

I've got a couple of pokers in the fire and am not sure where to spend my time. Today I worked with a future feature writer and that took up much of my mental energy and some of my time today, that and shopping on-line. I've also started thinking about a feature I might write for PHC and all that has kept me away from the diary for a day or two. It's time to catch up.

We received a little package today from one of our two nieces. A Xmas CD they put together was inside along with a few homemade items and a picture of their growing family. Lovely.

Our niece and her husband started burning their own Xmas CD's last year and we were lucky enough to receive a copy. It really is the best! It is a composite of songs they love from albums they own. The selections run the gamut from Gene Autry to Harry Konick Jr. Along the way there are offerings by the Beach Boys, Elvis, Herb Albert, the Carpenters and a host of others. It's a wonderful album and our Xmas favorite.

Tonight we played the new CD and decided last year's offering will retain the title. It was our first Xmas music of the season and we enjoyed it over a light meal of Dungeness crab, green beans and sour dough bread.

It's beginning to feel a little like Xmas. La la la.

We'll drag out our decorations this weekend and do what we can to be part of things. Allen will hang the garland over the interior doorways and adorn the loops with ornaments we collected over the years.

Rain tomorrow? That's what they say. If it's warm rain, I can handle it. Not ready for the cold stuff yet.

Comments ()

Three of us rode across town to see Santa today. There was a fund raising event at a little pet store in a sunny neighborhood. Santa was up for hire. You could - for a donation - sit with Santa, put your poochie or kitty on your lap and hear the shutter snap. We did not go with the expectation that Sadie would sit with Santa, just that we would see what was up. Sadie got very agitated in the company of so many canines and Allen and I had not bothered to wear anything remotely festive so we observed for a while and then went walking.

I was Christmas shopping in tiny neighborhood shops while Allen mostly stood around with Sadie tucked under his left arm. In one shop, I heard the clerk say, "oh, a furry customer". In another, she received a treat. I found a few things for people I know and we walked and walked in a very dog-friendly part of town.

At the end of our little excursion, we settled into hard metal chairs at a corner café and ordered baked ham sandwiches, salads and egg scrambles. It was shirt sleeve weather and we tried to imagine life in a colder climate. No way.

I've been working on a feature or two or three, lining things up for future publications on PHC. I certainly do have the work ethic. There's no disputing that. But it was good today to be out meandering around this sunny town in search of just the thing.

Comments ()

I did not run a marathon Saturday and yet yesterday, I was done in. When a friend wanted to know why I was so tired, I had no earthly idea how to respond. I just knew that I was fried and ready for a nap all day. I did not do it. I managed to stay vertical. It was too nice a day to give in to the wearies.

As it turned out, I should have taken a nap after all. I did not finally get to bed until after two a.m. It was not by choice.

I can't even remember quite what happened, but I know Sadie nipped my nose as she often does when she's very wound up and I've been foolish enough to ask for a kiss. So, last night during one of our little play periods, I got nipped and the thing started to bleed. It would not stop.

She had caught me just inside the nostril and maybe she nipped a blood vessel just so, but whatever it was, it was not going to stop bleeding. While Allen watched television, I stood with my head hanging over the bathroom sink with the tap running just enough. I counted the seconds between drips: 10, 15, 30 and so on, but when I got to a drip a minute, I made no more progress. For variety, I kneeled at the bathtub draping my arms over the side, and then I'd move back to the sink. Once in a while, I'd walk around dabbing at my nose, slathering Vasoline on it, but it continued to bleed.

Allen asked if I wanted to go to emergency and I declined. I imagined the questions I would be asked, how pitifully unimportant a nose bleed would seem to them, how pitiful a problem it really was.

Around 2:20 a.m., it stopped. It had dripped for over five hours.

Now I'm wondering if my new diuretic or perhaps the combo of the diuretic and the Norvasc I've been taking for over a year, are thinning my blood. I certainly have never had such a seemingly superficial would bleed like this before. That's a question for Dr. Yau with the Westie.

I'm about to call this day, a day and head back to the bunk for some shuteye. What a night!

Comments ()

I'm in a mood to break things. Last night Allen and I had an argument about the nature of scallions - of all things - and I threw a cluster of green onions clear across the kitchen. Today, we received two Christmas letters, both from people who don't really know us or want to have a personal relationship with us, and I am itching to ask them to take us off their card list. And all day, I've been pondering the details of a dream I had early this morning. It was all about my father who would only give me what he wanted to give me and never, never what I needed.

And so I listened to Christmas music this evening as I put dinner together and I got weepy and tried to work it out over a skillet of sautéing zucchini.

I was not at all weary today or weepy for that matter. I had a lot of energy and I spent it packing up my Xmas purchases for shipping. Late this afternoon, I dragged it all up to the U.S. Post Office, two and one half blocks from here. I had to dust off my old lady cart to do it, but it got done. The PO may move to the black because of me. It was a costly little outing.

One of our grand nieces had major surgery today and is reportedly doing pretty well. She is one year and two days old. Her mother, our niece-in-law (if there is such a thing), will be at her side for the duration of her hospital stay. I have never met Svea, the tiny one with tubes in her tonight, but I am sending along my hopes that everything turns out well for her.

Comments ()

A neighbor-friend asked earlier today if I wanted to walk Sadie into the park in the late, late afternoon when the dog folk hang out behind the baseball diamonds otherwise known as Big Rec. She thought the young Asian woman with the two Pomeranians might be there as she often is. I accepted the invite, even though I had my misgivings; it can be mighty chilly just before dark.

My neighbor and her handsome yellow lab, Rosie - a breeder for Canine Companions - appeared around 4:30 and after Sadie got used to Rosie's presence and ran out of bark, we all set out for the park.

Sally has eyes, of course, and she can see my oxygen tank but she does not have any understanding of what it means. Rosie, a robust young dog, pulled her forward and I had a very tough time keeping pace. Sadie wanted to sniff and so I used her as my excuse to dawdle and catch my breath. Thank you Sadie.

Wen we finally arrived at the dog spot, it was obvious from the get-go it was a small dog event. There were huskies, labs, German Sheppard's, and other large dogs romping around but not one Pomeranian. Sadie stuck close to me. When she became the fox in the fox hunt, I thought for a moment she was lost forever, but she did manage to find her way back and leap into my arms. It was a bit like when Scarlet embraced Rhett. Total surrender.

Earlier today I started writing out our Xmas cards and walked to the store for a big, fat roasting chicken which we enjoyed tonight. My elder friend in Montana called this morning; he says he cannot believe how much I do. I want to correct him. I want to say, surely you must mean, how little I do. I remember getting up at six-something every weekday, hopping onto a crowded city train and fighting my way downtown to a job where I worked like a fiend for at least eight hours. Then I came home, again on that city train, started a meal and saw it through before collapsing in a heap.

Comments ()

I made the orzo salad tonight. Allen made it last week for his office get-together - around the time of the scallion upheaval - and it all got carted away to be enjoyed by other people. I fell in love with it and would have been happy to keep some for myself, but I let it go. It was not meant for me.

So, now I have my own little container of the orzo-pine nut-feta cheese-lemon juice-olive oil-scallion concoction and we had some late today with our roast chicken sandwiches on bakery Italian bread. It has been the only bright spot in an otherwise lackluster day.

We've been getting our winter storms, one after the other for a couple of days. Yesterday it rained steadily and today there was less rain but some very high winds, the kind that knock down power lines and leave folks like me BiPAP-less. I no longer have any trace of pioneer spirit. I need my electricity.

Even with the weather as it is, it did not stop us from venturing out yesterday for a few hours to the nearest interior shopping mall. We found a couple of sweaters for Allen's Xmas present and Santa will be giving me a couple of sweatshirts I helped him pick out.

Today, we sat it out. I had a little racing heart episode last night and that may provide a clue into how I'm feeling today - pooped. Diary, I keep learning things about this disease and I'm not liking it. For instance, sometimes when the pulm artery pressures go down, it's not such a good sign. It may mean that the heart is just not working as hard. Since the reduction in my own pressures did not result in my feeling any improvement, I'd guess that's what has happened. For me to think my heart is not at all involved in this mess is just irrational wishful thinking. It may not be enlarged yet or quite to the point of a diagnosis of right heart failure, but it is struggling. Once in a great while, I feel a little flippity-flop in my chest - bada bing.

If the sun breaks through tomorrow, we will surely try to take Sadie for an off leash walk in the park. Or maybe we'll just hang around eating orzo salad all day, do all the Sunday puzzles and watch the rain come down again.

Comments ()

Now that I have a cell phone and hundreds of prepaid anytime minutes, I make calls more freely. Today, while I was writing the last of my Christmas cards, I decided to ring up an aunt I hardly know but remember fondly as a funny and loving young woman who was my mother's contemporary. I might have just sent her a Christmas card and a type-written newsy little letter as I have done in past years, but I decided to retreat from the written word for a change.

Dottie and her husband Frank, who was my father's younger brother in a family of thirteen farm children and very similar in looks and temperament to him, became social friends briefly in the early fifties, when I was around kindergarten age. I remember spending a few days one blistering summer with Francine, my cousin and their first child, along with a baby sitter at their home somewhere in the deserts of Southern California. The four adults had all gone off to Catalina Island to have fun and left us behind. I did not especially mind this abandonment because I adored my cousin, Francine who was a year or so younger than me and very good at taking my direction.

When our parents returned, they were all giggles and gaiety. My mother had become sick to her stomach on the glass bottom boat. They had pictures in paper frames. They had brought us gifts. I think Dottie gave me a pinafore, but I'm no longer certain. I only remember that they seemed to be having a lot of fun and the fun was winding down.

We did not spend much time after that with Frank and Dottie or their children who eventually numbered three. People said Dottie was into the bottle and was anti-social. And of course, there was the geography involved. We lived hundreds of miles to the north and how could that have possibly worked?

I did not see any of them again for years. Uncle Frank came to visit my folks sometime in the 1980's and I was nearly struck dumb by his mannerisms. I sat between Frank and my father at my parent's breakfast table and looked from one to the other. Their smiles, their laughs, the cadence of their speech - it was mesmerizing. They were so much alike.

When we got word that Frank had died suddenly in 1992, I decided to fly to So. Cal for the funeral. My father was too ill to go anywhere by then and he cried day and night over the loss of Frank, the brother he had been closest to in age.

It was an odd journey for me. I had never tried in any way to claim my father's family for myself and here I was at a funeral, hugging folks I hardly knew and had rarely seen. They saw me as a poor lost soul, the daughter of the family black sheep - and I was every bit aware of that - but I let it go. I wanted to see Dottie and Francine again. I had such fond memories of them both.

Francine was a gem. I was drawn to her on first sight just as I had been when we were children. She talked to me like no time had passed at all. She is immediately likeable. Dottie was warm and kind and teary-eyed. It was my swan song with that part of my father's family. I have not seen them since that funeral. Our lives do not intersect.

Francine, married to a minister, has grandchildren now and Dottie is nearing eighty herself. She talks openly about her drinking years and cannot believe she has made it to a ripe old age. She's not healthy, not even close. She has tumors and osteoarthritis, cracked vertebrae and osteoporosis. Her fiercely religious beliefs keep her going and I'm happy she has what she has.

It's odd to have such a large, extended family out there somewhere and have so little connection to it. I wanted to blame my father for a while for denying me the comfort of familial ties, but I know he had his reasons and it was probably for the best.

What can I say? Forgive me. This is not about PH. The Christmas season brings out stuff like this.

"There are eight million stories in the naked city…"

P.S. Who said that? Paul Burke on the weekly television drama called the Naked City. Circa 1960's.

Comments ()

It is one stormy day here. The satellite signal has the hiccups making TV viewing difficult so I ate my salami sandwich in front of a dark screen. I'm just thankful the electricity is still flowing and the heater is pumping out that lovely warm air. There will be a lot of folks left in the cold tonight and a lot of houses sliding down hills in the burbs too. No chance they'll be talking drought anytime soon.

Yesterday, between storms, Karen and I drove downtown for our yearly Christmas outing. We hit it just right. If we had gone today, it would have been a drenching experience, but yesterday the clouds parted and the air was crisp and dry. I pulled my long black wool coat from the back of our hall closet - the one I bought years ago for a business trip to Dallas in December - and managed to get my oxygen tank to fit over it somehow.

When we managed to eek out one of the very last spots in overflow parking in a 12-story garage, we knew how lucky we were. Whew!

We had booked a reservation at a trendy restaurant, one that's always on the Best list. We had eaten there several years before and liked it so much, we decided to go again. We had plenty of time to walk the seven or eight blocks and to stop along the way at our favorite shops.

I didn't share with Karen how overwhelmed I felt when we first entered the dining room. It was warm and bustling with people and talk. Even though the room is quite large and we settled into an unclouded corner at the bar, I had to work on a little panicky feeling. Luckily it did not last and I got into the fun of being in such a lovely place with my wonderful friend of nearly thirty years.

This day - downtown in my old stomping ground - felt pretty good. At one point, I had a little conversation with myself about making the trip down there by myself. It helped immensely to know Karen had her car in the garage and going home would be relative easy. When I go it alone, it's a lot more tiring. Still, we did walk a lot and I did better than I thought I might.

Well Diary, there is no chance of anybody going anywhere today. The farthest I got was to the cheese store across the street. I was out of chips. Imagine a rainy day in a house with not one single potato chip in it? Feast one day, famine the next. That's how it goes.

Comments ()

Karen gave me the big meaty ham bone on Xmas eve and I threw it into an enormous pot of water along with a large chopped yellow onion tonight. I let it simmer for an hour or so before sending Allen to the market for a large bag of split peas from the bulk foods section. After I pulled the stubborn meat from the bone, we had tasty soup for dinner. Elen got a care package too, a little soup for her mid evening snack. She likes to eat a lot of smaller meals now, she reminded me for the umpteenth time when Sadie and I carried a small container over to her tonight.

Christmas was low-key and well paced. Even though we were not doing the entertaining, there seemed to be plenty to do. I was responsible for the scalloped potatoes on Xmas eve and the broccoli dish on Xmas day. Then there was the orzo salad I was hankering for and the Xmas brunch I had promised my neighbor, Elen when we learned she would be home alone on Christmas day. Everything turned out well, but there was a lot of chopping and mixing and planning and cleaning up. Not one of the little cooking projects was a big deal, but collectively, it made for a busy few days.

Today I walked up to a few shops in the neighborhood to pick up some Holiday cards for next year. Not so long ago, I was not thinking that far ahead. Ah but, you never can be sure of what will come. I'm not certain I'll be around to send them, but I'm not betting that I won't be either.

We'll be moving into a new year soon and we'll just have to see what that brings.

Comments ()

Many good films opened in our part of the country today and I decided it was time to break out of this place for a change. I called our neighbor who had wanted to see Chicago and offered to try to buy tickets online for this evening's show. I logged into the website and fiddled around and finalized the deal. My credit card was going to be hit for a wad which included the price of four adult admissions plus a hefty service fee. I said okie doke.

Later I got the confirmation and read in Courier 12 pitch, that my film of choice was The Hours, not Chicago. I felt my face turn red and my blood pressure rise. I knew how it had happened. I had been pining for "The Hours" to open and in my fiddling around, I had chosen the wrong movie to see tonight. I called my friends and stammered out the story. What a dope!

Sally laughed at me, "oh, how funny." She assured me that her husband would not mind. "He loves to go to movies and it won't matter to him that it's not Chicago." I was not so sure. I offered to pay for the entire price of their tickets. Sally told me not to worry.

We picked them up at the appointed time and headed for the bigger world downtown. It was all aglitter for the season and we felt like aliens in a strange land in our dirty jeans and workpants ensembles. Actually we did fit in with the movie crowd well enough - although we were decades older than the average customer - but when it came time to find a spot for an after movie drink, we had to consider how we might look in a trendy downtown establishment. Ummmmm.

The Hours is a quiet movie and I had been careful to keep my Helios clicking to a minimum. I had been so careful and considerate in fact, that I had not quite been comfortable throughout the movie. The Helios does not click at a setting below 1 liter and so I kept the flow below 1 liter for most of the film. My heart raced and raced and I felt flush, but I did not have much choice. A click, click, click would not have played out well during Meryl Streep's scenes. I was demonstrating - in my way - a very special artistic sensitivity. It was my personal contribution to the film.

When the film had ended and we started to discuss where to go next, I did the math and realized I was running low on my precious oxygen gas. I might have had an hour or maybe even two in my tank, but I had been so deprived during the movie, I really wanted to have MORE. I spoke up and asked if we could stop by our house briefly. I told them I needed to fill up, that I was running low and I really liked breathing. We headed west toward home.

The details of the rest of the evening are not important. I did fill my tank and felt better for having done it even though it put a cramp in the evening. We were not dressed for downtown anyway and I can't deny my need for oxygen. I was not free though, that was obvious. We might have driven anywhere but for my special need. Reality creeps in once in awhile and spoils the fun. Ah, well.

Comments ()

Collards tonight. Don't know a thing about them, but I just pushed ahead anyway. A green is a green is a green, I figure. I sautéed only the green veiny parts - the parts that looked like great bat wings - with a bit of extra virgin and chopped garlic. I added some cooked turkey bacon pieces and finished it up. This nameless concoction was spooned onto the plate next to a spoonful of rice cooked with a handful of dried cranberries. There was nothing much in the house for a proper meal tonight and so we made do. It's possibly the healthiest meal we've had in several days. We've eaten our fair share of red meat recently. Tsk tsk.

Diary, you may not know this but beef is not a preferred food for many Americans now so it's surprising when someone serves it at a dinner party. Some people say they won't eat it for environmental reasons. Some say they won't eat it for political reasons. Others can't digest it easily and have given it up. Still others have adopted a low fat diet and beef simply does not qualify as a low fat food. So, when we arrived at our destination in Sonoma late yesterday afternoon and spotted a massive roast beef in the oven, we were a bit surprised.

We had accepted the invitation at the last minute. We drove North in the driving rain yesterday afternoon to attend a little get-together. It might have been our hostess's attempt to mend fences. Some friends, a couple that Allen knew before we married, were to be there too. We have an uneasy relationship with them since they borrowed money from us over a dozen years ago and seem disinclined to pay us back. Their fortunes have changed in the past few years and so we have been waiting for a heartfelt thank you and a check but it has not quite come to that. I don't know which was harder to swallow, the beef or the small talk.

On the way home, Allen and I agreed that we had felt like outsiders. We had the longest drive, arrived first and left first. It was all nicey nicey but nothing got accomplished. We all registered cool on the temp-o-meter, we all behaved well, nobody spilled any beans and we all ate our giant slabs of rare beef. On the surface it all went very, very well, but I am obsessing about the audacity of these people today and trying to keep it under wraps.

You're not supposed to lend money to friends. Everybody knows that and I do too, but how can you deny friends who need a few bucks, a few bucks when their ship is sinking? People are always going to get stuck in this way, I guess. I'm not sorry we helped them and we have not perhaps been the best friends in all ways, but it's time for them to just give us back our money. It's way past time for that.

Maybe a movie tomorrow will take my mind off these piddly little matters, something my Helios can chirp to. So many big movies out now to choose from. It's nothing like the summer stuff they try to pass off as entertainment.

Comments ()

The countdown has begun. Elen has gone home, the dinner dishes are done and the leftover crab has been put away. There will be crab omelet in the morning on the first day of a new year.

Allen is searching for meaningful entertainment in the room across the hall and a little dog is slumped in the warmth of his lap. I told Allen earlier that I wondered if he'd kiss Sadie or me first at the stroke of midnight. He laughed, of course, but it's anybody's guess what will actually take place. Even Elen did not dare guess.

We had set the alarm this morning for eight a.m., quite a departure from our usual lazy start. We had an appointment at the local veterinary office. Wally was boxed and carted the four blocks and presented to the vet unlucky enough to be working on this last day of the year.

"He has a tape worm," I said, "I've seen the little bits that look like rice."

And so our feisty, patent leather, black cat, Wally got his shot and we got a ding in the amount of $72.00 to our Visa card. Ca-ching, ca-ching, ca-ching. If you have children who like animals and you want them to be economically secure, find a way to get them into veterinary school and make sure they practice in a big city. Guaranteed.

After that it was rainy bits and sunny bits and not much activity here. I took a trip to market and Allen got rained out on a walk to the park with Sadie. It was a fitting ending to a slow and easy year.

Last night a commercial came on as I was getting ready for bed. The voice said "In a perfect world, EVERYTHING would be different." I stopped dead in my tracks. Could I have possibly heard that correctly? It was after all, a damn car commercial, I think. Does that mean everything is imperfect? I have to admit to you diary, that I've always thought this world was pretty upside down. Maybe I'm not alone in my thinking? Imagine that!

Comments ()

Today is no more the beginning of anything than yesterday was the end. A day is a day is a day.

A friend I spoke with late yesterday confessed her dislike of New Years Eve. She said she did not like the forced gaiety of it all. They were spending the evening with nearby friends. They planned to hop on the free tram heading west and return the same way. It was to be low key.

It is, by the calendar, a new year now.

We had our fresh crab scramble today before we took a long walk in the park with Sadie. The sky was clear and the air dry enough, but the expanse of grass at Big Rec surrounding two empty baseball diamonds, was plenty boggy. We stayed on the paved paths for the most part and when we did stray, we stepped lightly for fear of sinking to our ankles.

On the way home, we picked up two hamburgers and one order of French fries from a brand new food establishment. This late afternoon meal was washed down with two Coca Colas from tiny old-fashioned (retro) glass Coke bottles. We'll worry about our diets another day.

Tomorrow Allen goes back to work and I have to get cracking on some of the little chores I've put off.

Comments ()

I'm a teller of macabre tales these days. I delivered three of them in a row to Karen this afternoon over the phone. Bing, bing and bang. I could tell she was holding her breath, afraid of what I might say next. It's true about me. I've become rather matter-of-fact about life and death issues. I offer my tidbits with great detachment.. I just give the facts and stand back as if to say, "Well, what did you think would happen?"

A friend, who recently learned that another friend has PH, attempted an introduction. She wrote to both of us. She said we had a lot in common, that we shared "a wicked sense of humor and a weary eye on the world."

Could it be?

Susan, my friend with pitiful lungs who died last February, and I had the same dark sense of humor. We would tell each other odd things that we had considered or imagined and then groan from the comedy, fear and dread of it all. She wanted the results of her own autopsy. I wanted to meet the S.F. coroner now and tell him to handle me with care. It was never funny, but it was a great release to be able to make light of such weighty things.

In the end, you've got to lighten up. There's plenty to cry about, more than anyone could possibly handle.

Comments ()

Today might have been mistaken for a spring day here but for the position of the sun. It was unseasonable warm and no day to pine indoors. Sadie and I took to the streets.

When Allen and I attended the dog show last year, one breeder of American Eskimos - a slightly larger breed of a dog that looks very much like a Pomeranian - said that they were much better walkers than Poms. He did not think Poms would be able to walk a mile or two. He's dead wrong. Sadie, as little as she is, seems to be able to walk as far as she wants. We're not running marathons here, but we walked our legs off today running errands in the neighborhood and Sadie never missed a beat.

We walked the ten blocks to the post office to pick up a parcel, then home. A bit later, we dropped off a rental video four blocks away, then stopped at the drugstore before returning home. Finally, I walked alone to the market for a few items before taking my running shoes off for the day. The produce delivered from the Organic Box was cut up, bagged and placed in the crisper and the deck got swept too before I packed it in.

When Allen walked in, he wanted to know why I had not put the Xmas ornaments away yet. It was his little joke. He had taken everything down last night and my part was to put everything in the big box. Too busy, I told him, much too busy.

And for a change, it was actually true.

Sometimes the only way to get out of the doldrums is to act like you're out of the doldrums. So, we "whistled our happy tune", figuratively speaking, and got off our rear ends and at least took care of some errands today.

I can't say that I'm feeling any livelier, but I'm trying.

Comments ()

Vickie, my old work-mate/friend who lives in Colorado now, sent me a large hemp tote for Christmas. I wondered how I might make use of it and then a need arose. First it was the perfect size bag to carry an LLBean return to the post office. And today, it was the perfect Sadie tote.

I did follow through with a call to my PCP, Dr. Yau. I have an appt for Friday at 11, Allen's day off and the perfect opportunity to smuggle Sadie into her office.

When I put Sadie in the large bag today, she just settled in. It's too deep for her to reach the top so there's no chance that her head will pop up. It is perfect.

How will it look to be so happy and be asking for an anti-depressant at the same time? We will just have to see. I know it will be fun to smuggle my doggie into the medical offices and to get away with it (keep your fingers crossed). It's what the doctor asked for, after all.

I'm just following the doctor's orders.

Comments ()

Serenading Sadie

Last year at this time, we were putting on the dog.  August 1 is Sadie's actual birthday.  This year, it was just another day for Sadie.  Allen went to work and I spent my day as usual.  Welcome to adulthood, my little darling.  This is how it will be from now on.  If you get honorable mention, you're in good shape.

I sent a "checking in" email to a friend today telling her I was not very eager to take walks for pleasure these days.  Shortly after hitting the send buttom, I grabbed Sadie's leash, stuffed a twenty dollar bill into the pocket of my black sweatpants  and headed out the fron door.  I wanted to prove myself wrong.

We did not go very far.  Since it was Sadie's birthday, I let her smell every square of dirt, every bit of litter that attracted her.  Finally,we stopped in at Sunnya's hair salon where I get my hair cut periodically and Sadie gets sweet-talked and piddles in response.  Sunnya has little experience with dogs, but thinks Sadie is beautiful.  I nearly piddle too when the praise is given.  We both love to stop in there.

Today, a gaggle of women were on Sunnya's assembly line -  under driers, in the hot seat or just hanging and when they learned it was Sadie's birthday, a chorus rang out.  It was so funny.  A serenade at the salon.

We kept going up the block to Tutti Frutti to check out all the stuff noby=ody needs on sale, then to the tacqueria for a carnitas burrito with black beans and extra salsa.  We took it home and Sadie licked up the drippings.  Happy Birthday Sadie.

I put a feature to bed yesterday and this morning with Sadie on the desk beside me, we picked at it until it felt nearly right  It feels good to have produced something new for PHC.  Now on to my own stuff, whatever that may be.

God I love this dog.

Comments ()

Vickie, my old work-mate/friend who lives in Colorado now, sent me a large hemp tote for Christmas. I wondered how I might make use of it and then a need arose. First it was the perfect size bag to carry an LLBean return to the post office. And today, it was the perfect Sadie tote.

I did follow through with a call to my PCP, Dr. Yau. I have an appt for Friday at 11, Allen's day off and the perfect opportunity to smuggle Sadie into her office.

When I put Sadie in the large bag today, she just settled in. It's too deep for her to reach the top so there's no chance that her head will pop up. It is perfect.

How will it look to be so happy and be asking for an anti-depressant at the same time? We will just have to see. I know it will be fun to smuggle my doggie into the medical offices and to get away with it (keep your fingers crossed). It's what the doctor asked for, after all.

I'm just following the doctor's orders.

Comments ()

I asked for my happy pill today and carried out a prescription for Paxil. I'll have to read up on the drug later today and I'll begin taking it tomorrow.

Yau knows me well enough now and started by asking if I had done any research and had any preferences. I had not. I did not. So, she chose the pill. She thinks it is pretty mild and if I have side effects I cannot tolerate, we can always switch. She offered as well, her opinion. She thought taking an anti-depressant was a very good idea.

We started out the visit on a lighter note. Sadie popped out of the large hemp bag and looked nervously around the room just as Dr. Yau walked in. She cooed over my dog and said all the right things. I felt a little like a horst trader. See how fine she is? How calm? See how sweet?

For the first five minutes, it was dog talk and only dog talk and then Allen took Sadie outside to wait and Dr. Yau and I got down to business.

Afterward, Allen and I stopped at our favorite pet supplier to pick up cat food for Wally and Tassy and I had to check out the noise-making stuffed toys. They had a boinky today - unusual to find one - and I grabbed it up. I've decided to send it to Dr. Yau for her dog Max, who is not a Westie at all, but a five pound Yorkie. Allen says he's sure Max has plenty of toys, but a boinky? Doubtful.

When we got home, we had our first meal of the day - egg scramble with salsa and a little grated cheese wrapped in a warm tortilla. It tasted great!

And so it goes. The cat and dog larder is full, we have two fresh boinkies in the bin and full bellies ourselves.

Comments ()

Advanced Search

Home

About PHC

Contact Us

Site Map

Disclaimer

Volunteer

Donate to PHCentral

Register for WebBoard - Online Support for Patients and Caregivers

Already registered? Log in here

Need Webboard help? Frequently asked Questions

Contact the Webboard Moderators