Hi,I came in contact over the internet with PHCentral out of desperation; desperate to find out why my PCP had so much concern in his voice over my echo results. Now I know. I am thankful for him and Central for being there, then and now.

I have always wanted to write, so there is no time like the present. I told you and one other almost a year ago that I would do this and now seems like the time to really get down to brass tacks about all that I have felt and am feeling about PH and my world surrounding this "presence" that has invaded my life and the lives of those around me. Sometimes I don't even think of this "presence" because my life has been surrounded by the illnesses of so many members of my family. But, something always jolts me back to the fact that I need to pay a little more attention to it than I have. This will be my beginning. The hour is late and I need to rest. I have learned this much, if I do not rest properly I am days recuperating and I hate when that happens. I never thought I would see that day come when I was concerned about how much rest I got. I always have to much to do and want to do to sleep it away, but one must never argue with an illness about resting. This much I have learned since April 200l. Don't argue with something "bigger" than you because it does win.

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Dear Diary,

As to who I am and how I came to be at this place and time in my life. My name is Ruth Latimer, wife of Lee 40 yrs. this December 29th, mother of 4 daughters, grandmother of 3 grandsons and 5 grandaughters.

Nine years ago I was not feeling well and thought I had the flu. I can't say that I was so sick that I had to be in bed,so I was up and about but not at full speed. I wasn't even sick enough to warrant calling for a dr. appt.,but that nagging inner voice that we women often hear nudged me to do so and I did.  I went in and found I had walking pneumonia and my BP was soaring. Up to that point my BP was normal. My dr. prescribed some antibiotics and BP medicine. Within a couple of weeks the pneumonia cleared, but not my BP. He was baffled by it, but did history on family and concluded that this would be my lot in life since my mother had BP problems. So for the next 7 years I was on Procardia XL and Nadolol. Actually I felt pretty good for the most part,except I would occassionaly come down with bronchitis. After 7 yrs. I started having difficulties with my BP again and feeling quite ill at times. With my daughter Maria's encouragement I sought out a new dr. He found a heart murmur and sent me to have an echo done plus did numerous other blood tests and work ups. It was discovered I was going into right heart failure, trace mitral valve regurgitation, trace tricuspid regurgitation, right ventricular systolic pressure of 31 mmHg. It is now 35mmHg which I know is not bad, but I know where I am headed. How fast I do not know. As one PH'er put it, "if it is not being fed by something else I could be a long while before it hits in those really bad numbers (not exact quote)." I do hope that is my case. However, I have a daughter with Carcinoid and Carcinoid Syndrome and an 8 yr. grandaughter with the same illness. My daughters believe I have the same problem and want me to seriously consider having a Carcinoid specialist look into my case because it can cause High BP with no let up. My BP has also given my cardiologist a run around. He took me off Procardia XL and I am now on by trial and error Diovan HCT 160/12.5 and Nadolol 80mg and I have just been put on Norvasc 10 mg.

I really like my PCP, Dr. Lawrence. What dr. in this day and age gives you a two hour visit with all of his attention on you. Everytime I go in that is the way it is with him. All of his patients get this same attention. Thank you Dr. Karl Lawrence.

Time to wrap this portion up and as usual same old story........the hour is late and I need my rest.

Will be back after the holiday.

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Lee and I had a great time with our daughters family. We played Monoply, laid around and watched T.V., did not stuff ourselves on turkey, had great fellowship.

The drive to and back was most enjoyable. I love the fall in this end of the country. I often feel very closed in during the spring and summer, but the fall the leaves are beautiful and when the leaves are gone I can see for miles around. Going up and over the Jellico Mountain is breathtaking at sunset. It did Lee and I good to get away.

Health wise I did good. Probably because I rested a lot, in fact I know that is why I felt better.

I have been looking up info on right heart failure.....and the outlook is not too promising. One to five yrs. after discovery......oh well, what else is new? I was looking up exercise info and what to do and how much with right heart failure. I have been walking, but I can't have anything else to do in my day because that alone takes everything out of me energy wise. So, I have gotten it down to walking 1.9 miles on Tues, Thurs, and Sat. I was trying to walk every day, but I can't manage that so I have narrowed it down to these 3 days to start. Maybe I will be able to work it up to more , but that seems my lot for now.

I have yet to discover how one can focus on daily living without the nagging in the back of one's mind about daily dying. Many days I think I am not thinking at all about being ill until I discover many of my actions with housecleaning, etc. actually are altered from my usual ways of doing things. I am subconciously protecting myself without being aware of it.

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Wow! I can't believe it has been over a month since I have written anything. My goal was to write something at least once a month. February will be here before I know it.

Christmas is always busy and as usual Lee and I are always too worn out to celebrate our anniversary on the 29th of Dec. We are partied out and want to just stay home. So, we did just that. We lazied around at our daughter and son-in-laws home with them, granddaughter Lainey and our daughter Sandra who was visiting us for the holidays from South Dakota. We are going to celebrate this Friday Jan. 24th. We have decided we are going to celebrate it every month this year in honor of our 40th. I think that it's a pretty neat idea. The highlight, trip given to us by our daughter and son-in-law, will be to go to Kalispell, Montana to have a reunion with Lee's sisters.

Health wise I have been doing pretty good. I am learning more and more to take it easier. I tried to doctor a sprained index finger, but in talking to a nurse friend she thinks I probably damaged a nerve or have a good case of carpal tunnel starting up. Found it very exhausting mentally to do everything with my left hand. Spent 3 days trying to get into a dr., so I just walked into his office because I was not about to pay $50.00 for an emergency room call. They set up an appt. the next day for me and gave me some meds for arthritis. It worked. Extra strength over counter meds didn't even give me any relief. Lost a lot of sleep over that little twist.

Wonderful, Wonderful snow this past week and this week. It is cold, and snowy, and I love it. I do not "hibernate" in this weather my hibernating days are in the hot, steamy, muggy July, August months.

Until another day :)

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A lot has been going on in my world and the world around me since my feature article. So I will start on what is bothering me most.

What are we having a National Alzheimer's when it comes to history?" Maggie Kuhn-Gray Panthers. I don't remember what she was referring to when she said this, but that is all I can think of daily concerning the condition our world is in at this moment. I am somewhat of a student of history and I don't like what I see in politics or the church today. Both joining hands causes me to shudder. Recalling history of 60 yrs. ago you'd think we would learn.

My granddaughter Katie called me last night in a lot of pain. She is on the Sandostatin for her Carcinoid tumor located in her Thymus. She is not throwing up as much, but her meds for her pain were not called in and she was miserable. As far as we know she is the youngest person to have this disease in her Thymus. They are walking very cautiously on how to approach her condition. She has suffered for so many years now because no one would listen to her mother or her or me tell them something was wrong. And now I am mad all over again at those who accused her of being psychotic. I want to go into their offices and shove the results in their faces.

Well, that being said I need to sign off and "chill out"!

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Lee came home from work last night with a terrific sinus headache. We have both been suffering from sinus problems in the last few weeks.

We have company coming from South Dakota this next week, so I need to get my house in order. They will stay for a couple of days and I am looking forward to their visit. We have been friends for 25 yrs. They have had much heart ache in the past year and we just want to hug them and hold them and cry with them; if that is the case.

Then in March we have friends coming from Sacramento, Calif. We can hardly wait to see them. And in May our daughter and her family will be coming and in June we will be going to Kalispell to visit Lee's sisters.

Me thinks I am going to have a full spring.

Granddaughter Katie is feeling better. It took mom a day to straighten out mix up on her meds. One wrong word or sentence screws up the whole blasted system of communication on meds.

It is a gray, gloomy day here and I never function well on these days. I have always been one who opens all the draperies when I get up. I need the light and I notice I need it more and more. Seasonal disorder junk I guess!

Talked with my sister Fran today and my sister Lorraine yesterday. Even though we have thousands of miles between us I don't feel the distance. We've managed to see one another more in these past years and it has been great for all of us.

Time to go and get something done before my day ends

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I have changed the way I take my medicines. I remembered my primary dr. telling me to take my medicines at different intervals. Some meds cause more fatigue than others. I am tired of being tired in the day when I need to function the most, so I am taking my Norvasc at 11:30 p.m. and taking my Diovan around 6p.m. I am taking the Nadolol at 1p.m. I will see how I do this next month. I was taking all 3 through out the morning hours and by late afternoon I was totally wiped out. I will see how it is in a month as to whether it is the cause of most of my tiredness.

It has been a wonderful bright, snowy weekend.

I had to go to the ear dr. again and it is getting to be more frequent. I have to keep close watch on my right ear and so far it is looking good. Dr. was afraid he was going to have to operate on it, but with my other conditions he hesitated and now I am glad he did and so is he. We have been able to stay on top of the problem with a medicated cream and my remembering to wear cotton in my ears when I wash my hair.

I saw where a PH friend had part of her thyroid removed. I go in March to have a fine needle biopsy and so I need to get on the ball and find out more info as to what I need to do to prepare for this. I have a great tendency to forget I have a cold nodule on my thyroid, but it has never changed in shape or grown any. We, dr. and I agreed, to watch it but now he wants to do the biopsy and talk about surgery. I am still of the opinion that it is not bothering me and it isn't growing, so leave well enough alone. We have agreed thus far to do this and I hope we can still agree on this. It is so small he isn't sure he can even get in their and biopsy it,which means he will have to go in and remove it to do so. I am just not there yet.

Our insurance has changed again. The third time in the last year. I am so grateful though that all of my drs. are also with this insurance plan. I spent some time yesterday making sure they were on our new plan. It was a relief to know that I would not have to go looking for new drs.

Time to get on with my week.

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Our friends have left. Spending one whole day with them was not enough. They arrived late Wednesday afternoon and left Friday in the a. m. Lee took off work Thursday afternoon and we went and had a wonderful lunch of soup and sandwiches. We all had so much to say to one another that the time went by quickly and before we knew it our lunch had almost run into the dinner hour. We then decided to take our guests on a tour of the city. Our conversations were a blend of laughter, tears, concern over the future of our children and grandchildren and where we each stood spiritually. They were here and gone in a blink of any eye.

I don't understand the physiological behind taking my meds the way I am, but I have actually felt better and have not been sluggish and tired all the time. I am also sleeping better in spite of the fact of the nightly trips to the bathroom. Before, if I got up too many times in the night, I eventually could not get back to sleep. My nightly trips are the same and I am able to go back to sleep right away and I am feeling quite rested when I get up. I told my sister, Fran, about this because she is on medication also. She called and told my she began to do this and noticed her blood pressure for the first time in years was low in the morning and she did not feel as tired in the day. We both had a good laugh wondering if it wasn't psychological.

I have just heard from my sister, Lorraine, that my younger brother Jim has fibromyalgia. It is very wonderful to come from a large family, 3 brothers and 3 sisters, but one must deal with sad news many times over. My older brother Don has heart problems from having had scarlet fever as a child. My older sister, Fran has scoliosis and high blood pressure, another younger brother, Dave, has Hepatitis C from a blood transfusion he received many yrs ago when a young man. The one thing we have among us is a "fighting spirit". We do not give up easy. We have had many obstacles in our lives and have over come them. My sister, Lorraine(a hospital chaplain) calls all of us and encourages us through her humor and prayers.

It is going to be a rainy cold weekend and so I guess I will get caught up on some of the smaller tasks around the house. I never feel like doing much on rainy days and that is when I read or do little things that do not take up much effort.

Thought for the day: "Power should not be concentrated in the hands of so few, and powerlessness in the hands of so many". Maggie Kuhn

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My housework from Xmas is finally finished. My family knows this is not their wife or mother. I can only focus on a couple of things in a day to accomplish and life was just too busy to think of boxing everything back up and storing it away. Dr. visits, my feature article, daily routine, ironing backed way up from the holidays, the list goes on and on. The driving force behind getting caught up was the visit from our friends from S. D.Even then I was not quite finished, but it was enough to satisfy me. After they left I did all of the fine, spit and polish. Kitchen cupboards, refrigerator and stove received deep cleaning and should last me through the visit of our next set of friends around the 16th of March. All of the ironing is done and just this weeks laundry and ironing need to be completed. It took me 2 months to get to this point. I have neglected my little business, but that is the beauty of doing this type of work. I am my own boss and if I want to make money that is up to me. I feel guilty and spoiled when I read on the PH site about the ones who go out side of the home to work. How do they do it? My heart goes out to them.

I do feel blessed by Lee. He has and is a great provider for our family. Without his work where would I be with insurance? I have been thinking about this a lot lately. We had our own insurance at one time and the cost was $600 a month and then we were able to get the company insurance. A friend of mine pays $1200 a month for insurance. We are both grateful our husbands can provide for us in this way.

My appt. with the endro dr. is coming up in March. That little cold nodule that I keep forgetting about needs to be dealt with in some way or another. I will be having a fine needle biopsy and then we will discuss where to go from there. If it is benign then I want to leave well enough alone. I don't need anymore problems in my life and adjusting to that removal is way more than I want to deal with right now. If it is not benign then I will deal with it.

I will be having a sleep apnea evaluation on March 19th. Their is no doubt in my mind about the outcome of this. I have had at least four episodes of waking out of a sound sleep (maybe not sound) gasping for breath. My pulmonologist winched when I told him. I will be going to the UT sleep clinic because he does not do the sleep studies. On all of my reading on sleep apnea maybe my systemic BP will go back to normal if this is the cause of it being on the rise all the time. One can always hope.

Granddaughter Katie is doing great being on the Sando. Maria has to give her 3 shots daily. Our daughter Joyce went for her Octreo Scans with no results in finding the tumor. She does quite well on the Sando also but she receives her shots every 4 weeks. The last week before her shot she is almost completely bedridden. Thank you Lord for her wonderful new Nanny for our little Baby Doll who will be 3 in April.

By the end of the month tomorrow it will have rained and snowed for 23 out of 28 days. This rain has played havoc on me mentally and physically. Rain, rain go away.....I have gone into a site called weather.com and visited the section on Aches and Pains. It is very interesting to read how others feel about the weather affecting their health.

It saddens me to think that Christians feel that they are above having an illness. Just run to a healing meeting and God will take care of it all. In my estimation Hinn and Copeland etc. are the Elmer Gantr'ys of our present so called "Christian Healing" meetings. What strange creatures we Christians are, no wonder the world gives us funny glances and turns away from us. How could we be so arrogant to think that we should not have trials and tribulations. Seems to me Jesus said to pick up our cross and follow Him. Some of my friends have been disappointed in my attitude towards healing. I am not against it, but I am against those who would feign to be Christ's instruments in this ministry. Wolves in sheep's clothing who live off the "hog" of the nondiscerning Christian. How can we be so blind! They run around in limos and expensive cars and their wives have jewelry,clothes and makeup that we Christian "paupers" cannot afford, but willing give them our monies for a "healing". What a grievance we are to the world at large.

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Lee and I had a great weekend. We celebrated our monthly 40th. Although it was not Lee's Friday off we went that evening to the downtown area and ate at a place called the Butcher Shop. You can choose to grill your own steak etc. or be served. Ours was the latter choice. We took our time dinning and watched the many people coming and going throughout the span of 2 1/2 hours. A large birthday party across the room were hooting and hollering for all they were worth. It was obvious the birthday person was getting a crisp roasting. We sat up above the many patrons and so we were privy to a lot of the goings on. The young couple below us chose to grill their own meal. They were lost in their young world of romance. Behind us a set of grandparents and their children and grandchildren laughed, talked, and took turns taking care of the two toddlers in their midst. Looking off into the open bar was a mixture of old and young. However, it was obviously an ID night. Beyond the bar was the smokers part of the restaurant. I was thankful it was a great distance from where we sat. Off to the right in a corner was the brick grill for cooking. Many people lingered around this area turning their steaks or whatever and visiting. Lee and I have done this a couple of times and it is enjoyable, but we were both too tired to cook or visit. We ate 1/2 of our meal and boxed the rest. No cooking Saturday's meal. As we departed the restaurant the real world stood looking at us. It seems as if no matter where we go these days "Homeland Security" is a part of us. Lee and I passed the officers as if this was normal, but my thoughts could not help but reflect on the history of Anne Frank. Do people not see what is coming about? Norman Mailer's take on our current crisis was quite enlightening as so many of us in the Christian world, Antipas Ministries for one,(not the religious world of Billy Graham, Chuck Colson Bill Bright, Pat Robertson etc) have similar thoughts as his.

Saturday we spent shopping for furniture for our downstairs. Ever since our daughter and 3 grandchildren moved away last August we haven't done a thing with the downstairs. Our first intentions were to buy furniture for it and as the day wore on we decided to treat ourselves to new furniture upstairs and move the present furniture down. It will be delivered the 13th of the month. We made this our 40th anniversary present to ourselves. We will be busy this weekend getting it ready for the furniture and our guests who will be coming the 15th of March.

Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday I suffered from Fridays meal. Usually I am careful about what I eat and how it is prepared when we go out for an evening. I forgot, Lee forgot and so we did not tell them to prepare it without seasonings. It was not seasoned much and as I ate it I felt it would not affect me. I was miserable Sunday with some fluid retention, Monday I woke up with swollen legs, Tuesday I woke up the same way, but by the end of the day my right leg was twice it's size and I could not bend over without feeling like I was in the last month of a pregnancy. I started to panic and then decided I would give it until today. If my leg was not normal when I awoke I would call the Dr. I spent those 3 days and nights constantly running to the bathroom. It worked itself out. I am somewhat normal today. I never salt a meal at home and when preparing a meal for Lee and I everything contains low sodium or no sodium. It has been that way for yrs. Our children were raised with no salt shaker on the table. The same for sugar. It takes me 2 yrs. to go through 5 lbs.. of sugar and the most of that goes to Xmas baking for Lee's office.

Tomorrow is the day for my thyroid test.

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March is a birthday month in our family. My mother's was yesterday and she would have been 85. My daughter Sandra's is today and she will be celebrating 32 yrs. (without her knowledge) this evening with friends and some of our family. My daughter, Susan, has planned a fun evening for her. My nephew Matt will also be 44 today. The rest of the month we will be celebrating granddaughter Amanda's 16th on the 22nd, daughter Maria will be 35 on the 23rd, and granddaughter Katie 10 on the 27th.

We are ready for our next set of company. They will start arriving Friday night, some on Saturday. They will all be gone by Monday morning.

Today was a good news day for me. My FNB for my thyroid came out with good results. No need to remove my thyroid, but will keep a check on it periodically. I am still struggling with a lot of fluid retention. I will get hold of my heart dr. tomorrow and see what he says about it all.

It has been wonderful spring weather here and I am enjoying it by sitting out on the deck and reading. I am taking great pleasure in J. Dwight Pentecost's book "Designed To Be Like Him". He, Pentecost, is one of the great Biblical teachers of our time.

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We had a great time with our out of town company. We talked, laughed and ate until all hours of the night. The children wanted to stay around and listen to the adults. I can remember doing this as a child and I loved it. I had no time for friends when my parents visited or played cards with a group of friends and relatives. We did not have to go to bed at a certain hour. And if we could manage to stay up till the wee hours of the morning they let us. We always managed because we knew a large breakfast would be whipped up to top off the evening of fun before everyone went back to their own homes. Those were wonderful days and I wanted my grandchildren to know and remember these few days. It would be a memory for them to look back on. A memory filled with the adults reading scripture and praying. No formal pews to sit in, no right way to dress to hear the Word of God. Just plain simple togetherness. When I awoke Sunday morning I found my granddaughter Ashlee listening intently as two of the men were sharing scripture about the war and what they felt would happen after according to scripture. Ashlee had read the book of Revelation several times and has always been interested in what all of the symbolism meant and she was taking it all in. I could see her soaking it all up.

 As I watched her I could not help but think of a comment my father made when I was about 10. My father and mother were sitting on the back stairs to our home and I was sitting there with them. We were watching my younger sister and brothers play. My dad looked at my mother and said,"I feel sorry for my grandchildren." My mother shook her head in agreement. I was puzzled and could not figure out why he would say that; besides he didn't have any grandchildren yet and why didn't he feel sorry for his children. And now I understood what he was saying. I am feeling much sorrow for my children (his grandchildren) and my grandchildren. They will not have as happy a world as I had.

My PCP appointment was great. It had been awhile since I had seen him and he looked tired, but still gave the utmost care in spite of it. He was upset and felt I was not getting as much help as I needed. He was not happy about the word "mild" for my PAP. He told me, "Their is nothing mild about PH!" Whoa doc! Have you been reading the PHCentral site? He doesn't want me to go into COPD and at this rate they are heading me there quickly. He was relieved to know that I am on Norvasc, but was upset that they took me off Lasix. He put me back on it and potassium. I am to see him every 2 to 3 mos. until he tells me otherwise. He has ordered a kidney test to be done and a BNP to determine the severity of heart failure (looks like I am in for more homework). I told him how I started filling up with fluid again in the last 2-3 weeks. Next time this happens I am to come into him right away. My lipids had not been tested for a year on and on the list went. By the time I was through with my appointment I had fired my cardiologist. My friend J has found a woman cardio that she likes and I am going to go that route. I am staying with my PCP even for my PH. He's on top of the latest news and treatments in regards to it.

Thought for the day "A tyrant knows more what he wants than the democracy" Sir Martin Gilbert" Jewish Historian and Author

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Lee and I spent the day Saturday doing yard work. Sunday we both felt the physical effects of all that hard labor. Our yard looks beautiful. Three years ago we had our front lawn landscaped. Many who walk by comment on how pretty it all is. We have one side and the back to redo. I am beginning to doubt that we will get around to landscaping it. I always loved working in the yard, but now my energy level is at an all time low. This time last year I painted our kitchen and did yard work and now it is just enough to do the daily routine of housework.

I am dragging around today,possibly, because of the new meds I am on; lasix and potassium. I am going to halve my potassium and build up to the full amount. I've decided to take this one in the evening along with my others. My legs and arms feel like lead. I am beginning to think that the meds affect me worse than my condition. I have ankles and legs again; would that it would shrink my abdomen. I can once again put on my shoes and bend over without feeling I am 9 months pregnant.

Katie Ruth, my granddaughter, has spent the past week with us and we have agreed to keep her for 2-3 weeks so mom can get moved again. It is to hard on Katie to put up with the confusion plus her illness. She cannot even play basketball with her friends without having to stop and rest. The medicine is a marvel for her though. She is so much better than this time last year. I give her shots every 8 hours plus she is on 3 other medications.

It is another beautiful sunny day. I live for the sun these days.

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All the birthdays have been celebrated and I believe KatieRuth had a great day for hers. A little over 50% raised, mom. She turned a big 10 and to celebrate she was allowed, by grandma, to go and choose the style of haircut she wanted. Her long brown hair is now a cute, short cut. I do not know what they call the cut, but it looks like all the cuts the young people are wearing. It has that look like someone took a scissors and chopped the hair off without paying any mind to where they chop. However they seem to know what they are doing with this style because she certainly looks sharp. Her grandfather was amazed as were friends of ours. She walked out of that beauty shop as proud as a peacock. She knew what she wanted; however, the stylist and I were quite concerned that mom would not be happy to see that long hair on the floor. The stylist left it, at first, a little past her shoulders and Katie almost started to cry. She did not want it that long. I then told her she could not blame the stylist, or me or herself for her choice if it did not work out they way she dreamed it would. Like all of us we have these dreams and notions of how great a certain style will look on us and get disappointed and fuss and fume for weeks over the terrible haircut we received. Not Katiebud (as grandpa calls her). She knew she had a great cut, I knew she had a great cut, and the stylist knew she did a great job. She was one happy ten year old walking out of that shop. Our next venture was to let her pick her own present. We went from "I don't want anything Barbie" to buying I spy toys in the boys department. We spent at least a half hour making her choices and my wondering how long this venture of the spy world would last. I guessed about a week or two. Wrong! we went down an aisle that contained a "Password Journal". The spy equipment came out of the basket and back onto the shelf where it belonged. She settled on an voice activated Password Journal. No one would get into her journal and read her most secret thoughts. Yep, no lost key with this baby. And as for anything Barbie, MaryKate and Ashley tennis dolls were her other pick. We went from big girl, to little girl, and back to big girl again. As we stood in the check out line 3 boys passed us. Katie turned beet red and whispered to me that the one boy was Wesley. "Grandma (all smiles and a very red face) he didn't recognize me because of my new hair cut." She bounced and jumped and looked for him so that she could go up to him and talk. He was there and gone in a blink of an eye. He disappeared into the crowd. "I know he didn't recognize me because of my new hair cut" she said over and over again. When we left the store the wind was blowing. She was upset that her new style was being ruined.

I keep pondering about which comes first, the chicken or the egg? I have read articles about Procardia XL causing right heart failure, PH can cause right hear failure, COPD can cause right heart failure, and pneumonia can cause right heart failure. I came down with pneumonia, was put on BP meds and was not really monitored while taking these meds and I believe that this not being monitored has caused my PH. I read some material that makes me all the more confident that this was the case. I believe the pneumonia caused the beginnings of my heart failure and the meds my PH. I am going to print out the info I found this evening and give it to my PCP.

I am not adjusting to the Potassium. It has been less than a week but feels like months of not functioning. I just got over this feeling with the Norvasc and now this. I am taking half in the day and half in the evening but it doesn't seem to help. I will give it another week and see if I adjust.

I went for my lab work and received a phone call to come back into the hospital to give another urine sample. They spilled it. Every time I go to this hospital for tests something always happens and I have to go back in. I wonder if there are others who go through this with them.

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Sometimes I wish I had not been brought up with such strong work ethics. It plays havoc in ones life whether you are in the best of health or ill. To always carry ones load has been a monkey on my back for as long as I can remember. Now that I am ill it is pure hell to try and relax without guilt.

The first time I consciously remember feeling I needed to carry my "weight" in the household was when I was six years of age. My parents struggled all of their lives to make ends meet for their family of eight children. My father was a copper miner and my mother worked as a dishwasher for a popular restaurant (she later put herself through school to receive her LPN license). My mother maintained our home during the day and worked at night. My father worked all different shifts and as children we had our duties. It must have been during a strike that my parents decided to take off for Idaho to pick potatoes. I remember them talking about which of us as children would be of age to be able to pick. I remember getting out of the car with my family and we all stood in line. My parents asked if there were any openings. There were; and a man came along in front of our line and said," You, you, (my parents) you, you, you, you (my brother and 3 sisters). He started to walk away and I shouted, "I can pick!" He turned around and said, "How old are you?" "Six", I said. He must have seen the spunk in me because he looked at my parents and said, "She has to keep up or she can't work". My parents agreed. I worked my butt off. I did not want to fail my parents or make them look bad. I enjoyed it.

I still enjoy physical work. Up to last year I mowed our lawn not knowing I would never be able to mow it again. Now when I don't feel good I can barely get through the housework and a sense of guilt plagues me. I can never get over the feeling I am not carrying my fair share of the load. Lee works long hard hours and I cannot convince myself he understands that I can't function as I once did. I know he understands but my mind refuses to accept his acknowledgement. And so I wear myself out fuming over this trivial problem. I have been able to at times just lay back and know that I cannot physically accomplish all that I want to do. But, it's when it goes on for days that the need to contribute to our living begins to fester. And so today is one of those days. Is it the medicine or the illness that plays havoc with my health; or is it both? Last weekend I helped with the yard and it took until Tuesday to recover. Wednesday and Thursday I cleaned and got somewhere. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and now today Monday; my body does not want to cooperate. So it goes.

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I went in last night to have my Sleep Apnea test and I could not sleep. I started to doze and the nurse came in to redo the clamp on my finger. She had to move it to the middle finger. Then the next thing I knew she had to come in and retighten the belt around my waist and told me I was perspiring and she had to turn the air on. I had to call her to make my nightly trek to the "throne" twice. I could not deal with the noise of the air conditioner and asked her to turn it off and that was at 3:15 a.m. I felt as if I hardly slept a wink. Maybe it was four before I finally made some z's. I slept until the nurse woke me at 6:00 a. m. to go home. So, what is that going to tell them? What a fiasco, according to Ruth.

I went into a site called healthatoz.com and it explained the symptoms of tricuspid regurgitation. This was enlightening because the weakness I often feel is attributed to this, plus fatigue.

I have a lot more I want to say, I always do, but that will have to be another day.

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Granddaughter Ashlee and I have been in "fairyland" all week and I do not think we will come out of it until she leaves. We are designing and creating our own little fairies from fresh flowers, twigs and leaves. It has been a relaxing time of creativity. I love doing crafts and figuring out ways to do things to entertain children, grand or not. Ashlee started doing this on her own for entertainment. She made a clever little swing out of twigs and leaves and hung it on a tree branch. One night I could not sleep so I came up with a plan to make fairies out of fresh flowers. And so we are waiting to see if my clever idea will succeed or fail. So far it is looking like it will succeed. We pulled some flower petals off of some of the flowers surrounding our house and decoupaged each petal. We have been letting them dry to see what the results will be. So far they are soft and shiny and have lost very little color. You have to really pull at them to tear them so they should be durable for awhile. Out of the trees fell what the children call "propellers". Those will be the wings for our fairies. And so we decided not to go to the movies to see Disney's "Holes"; we both decided we wanted to keep on with our little magical world. Did I say I was going to be 61 this month?

Ashlee is our Anne of Green Gables with a mixture of Martha Stewart. She loves watching Martha when she can and has read all of the Anne books and seen all of the Anne movies. She is talented with sewing, loves cooking, and loves the sciences. She plays basketball quite well and is very good at ballet. She is 12 going on 19. Today she made her own website and has put a fairyland design as wallpaper on my computer. Right now she is grocery shopping with Grandpa at "Mad-Mart"(Wal-Mart). I am sure she will be of great help to him in remembering what brands I buy etc. I did not feel up to the crowds so I volunteered both of them.

Lee came home from getting a haircut and told me he read quite a bit about heart disease in women while he was waiting. He felt it was very informative for him and he was glad he read it. I am glad too. I will have to remember to ask him if it covered right heart failure. By the time he puts in his long hours at work there is little time for reading. I have always been the one who read. Knowing his eyes were tired from the day's work I would read aloud to him and our children at the dinner table.

I am feeling so much better since I have been put on Lasix. The Diovan HCT is suppose to take care of fluid but I can see now it was not enough. Two years ago I bought several pair of summer sandals to wear because my ankles and feet were twice their size. Now I cannot wear them because they are too big and fall off of my feet. Thanks to Lasix. I still have the problem with a little swelling towards the end of the day but it is tolerable at this point. My sinus problems give me more problems than anything else.

The shoppers have just arrived.

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MOTHER'S DAY

I am dedicating this page in my diary to all of my daughters who are not far from my thoughts or prayers as they struggle with their own or family illnesses.

The Lord is my Shepherd", what greater comfort can we have than to know He is personally our Shepherd. A Shepherd who watches over us at all times in sickness and health. In the book "David's Song" by Maurice Berquist he, Berquist, states that, "The Bible, fortunately, is not a book of philosophy to give us understanding about God. It is a book about obedience. Following the commands of God leads to a knowledge of God. It is the only way." And so we must be like those little white or black wooly lambs trusting that the Shepherd knows where He is leading us and obey and follow Him. The hardest part of all of this for new and old Christians or non-Christian is to believe or trust that He cares for us as individuals or that He even exists to care. We toil and strive and seek answers from who knows where but all the time feeling a void that cannot be filled by man or beast or things. A void God left in us when He created us to be filled by His presence upon our asking Him into our lives. Asking Him to be our Shepherd; to use His rod and staff in caring for us.

David was a good shepherd and that is why he relates to God in this Psalm as "my Shepherd". He, David, knew the feelings and emotions of a shepherd. He knew the dangers that could come upon his flock if he did not tend to them with the utmost care and love. And so, the rest of the Psalm relates to the Shepherd and His sheep: Each fulfilling the role of the sheep's destiny. The shepherd leads and the sheep obeys.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me."

I have been meditating on this scripture for the past several days and it is this verse I have focused on the most of lately.

Something caught my eye when praying and thinking about this part of the psalm. The words walk, valley, and shadow have taken on a new meaning. I have been reading Matthew Henry's commentary besides the book David's Song. Between the two it seems as if a new awakening has come within me.

When I take a walk I start out thinking; it is great to be outdoors. I close my eyes, take in a deep breath and smell the freshness of the air. My chest rises and I slowly open my eyes and let the air I have taken in slowly come out. Then I stand there and survey the beauty of the outdoors and think about how great my walk is going to be and where I will walk.  I have "shunned" all of my cares and woes. They will not be a part of my walk. So now I have decided I am going to "walk" this way "through the valley of the shadow of death".

We all know that valleys appear lush and beautiful; but, if one is to walk through the valley we must encounter the perils of its beauty that we observe from a distance. This valley consists of hard times in our lives and our death. Not one person, Christian or not, is spared either of these factors.

What we are spared of is the finality of each hardship and death through Jesus Christ. To me there can be no other way to walk in this valley. I have others to encourage me through my hardships or death but it is I and I alone who must go through it. And to spare myself of the agony of total loneliness God has provided me the free will to decide if I want to take His Son's hand to go through this valley with Him. I have chosen; I often times let go but, He is quick to take my hand when I reach out towards Him. I am like any child thinking they are safe because their parent is with them and I let go of His hand only to find I am lost in the thicket. I am not to fret over my careless thinking and actions because He is my Righteousness'.

What about the "shadow"? It is so awesome to think about. A "shadow"! This actually should bring joy to our hearts. Think about it. What can a "shadow" do? When you were all little each one of you tried to step on my "shadow" when walking; did you hurt any part of me? A shadow is an "imperfect and faint representation" Webster. Valleys are lush and fruitful but the shadow gives an imperfect picture of our valley. Our outer man, the shell over our "spirit" may hurt, but our true selves, the real us joined with Christ, becomes tranquil and content through our hardships and death. Once we have accepted this walk with Him as our Shepherd we begin to embrace these moments as precious jewels to be worn. Death loses its sting. It can no longer threaten us with its fear. We know what is beyond the grave; life everlasting. We know what is beyond our hardships; peace in Jesus Christ crucified. The shadow is just that; a shadow fading away as we let the Son brighten our valley.

"I will fear no evil: for thou art with me;" I think of evil as anything that threatens the security of my life. Be it sickness, poverty, tornadoes, floods, man, etc. It seemed for a long, long time after accepting Christ that I could not get a handle on the fact that He was with me during those evil times. I would have glimpses of His presence but it was never a known fact to me. Then one day peace filled my spirit and I knew that I knew He was with me. It was like the same dawning I had that I knew that I knew I was going to heaven and all doubt left me. Yes, I cried and cried when the doctor gave me my diagnosis; but I knew He was there in my tears and in my anger and all the emotions I went through and will go on going through.  Just because I am a Christian it does not make me immune to sickness or heartache. The difference it makes is; that I know who I am in Christ, whereas before my BC days there was nowhere to turn. The loneliness and the void were added to my grief or sorrow or sickness. Now the evil that touches my life no longer causes fear in my heart because I feel His presence with me.

"Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." Berquist states; "Reading Psalm 23, we can see that the shepherd's rod does two things: it deals with the sheep's enemies and it disciplines the sheep themselves.

Wise sheep appreciate both functions."

Who are our enemies? Only each of us knows who they are: illness, unfaithful spouse, drunkenness', a neighbor, a child, poverty. The list goes on and on. But what is the rod? The rod is the word of God. The word deals with our enemies and chastens us. The rod passes over our wooly skin and separates the wool to see where we are wounded so He can administer His anointing oil. The crook of the staff gently pulls us back when we are close to danger. And so, we are comforted by His word.

This is where I have been this past week before Mother's Day.  I do hope this will produce a word of encouragement for all of you.

Love and Prayers,

Mom

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March of the Ants and F1 wind storms and dinner by candlelight. An F1 is strong winds without the funnel. March of the Ants is when you cannot go out and spray around your house because of the constant rain. The tiny pests have been driven inside to play havoc in every room in our house; the joys of living in the south. The F1 uprooted our neighbor's tree and tore off a huge branch on one of our trees. Our front porch glider bench was standing somewhat in mid air. One end was on the edge of the porch and the other end was against the side of the house. The last F1 moved a pillar on our porch but all four pillars remained in tact this time. We ate dinner by candlelight because our power was off for five and a half hours. Our neighborhood had minimal damage others were not so fortunate. We spent a good portion of Lee's three day weekend cleaning up with the help of a neighbor.

The monitor for my computer died and so part of the weekend was spent buying a new one.

I have felt good these past few days. Also, I have been waiting to hear about when my CPAP machine will be given to me. It should be sometime towards the end of this week.

I reread the article about the "Emotional Side of PH" and decided to send it to my friends and family. I will be anxiously waiting to hear their responses. I feel it is such a good article and that it could benefit others with diseases.

Enough for today; I am worn out from the weekend.

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It is not good news for our Katiebud. Dr. Skinner from Duke University spent time with Maria and Katiebud this past week. He told Maria that he would have to look over Katie's nuclear scans with the Carcinoid Dr's and that it would take some time to do this. However, the next morning he called Maria and told her that he went over the scans with their nuclear med dr. and found uptake, besides in her thymus, in her spleen and colon. He wants to perform a MIGB scan which he said would give better results of what they were seeing because the octreo and pet scans give only the area and they cannot pinpoint the location unless they do this other scan. It makes me wonder why the Iowa University DR's did not see this in the spleen and colon and only saw the results in her thymus. As the modern saying goes; "go fig". It has been long and grueling years for Katie. Ever since she could talk she has complained of numerous symptoms only to go unheeded by the medical community. The DR's here accused mom of Munchausen's Syndrome by Proxy and then when mom was cleared of that they focused on Katie as being the culprit of wanting attention. And so, it has been a long ensuing battle for health and life for Katie. To even wait for them to do the MIGB is sure torture. It makes one want to scream at them and say, "Look, we've been at this long enough; do it now, today! We can't wait any longer." But, we have to wait. It is a "holiday weekend" and her appointment won't even be made until Tuesday of next week.

Why did all of this happen with the medical community? My only answer is because we are human. Perhaps because one dr. could not find what was wrong she chose to cloak herself under the protection of the law by claiming Munchausen's Syndrome rather than admit she could not help Katie. She could not admit she was "human" and had no answers. Mom refused to take Katie to a psychiatrist because she knew it was not in Katie's head. However, that refusal cost mom. She did not know, I did not know, that she was to keep that appointment; human error again. Perhaps there was a power struggle between dr. and mom. Mom caring enough to read and search for answers for her daughter only to find that sharing her information became a threat to the dr. Who knows what exactly tips the apple cart in someone else. One wrong word, look, action can mean the difference in an outcome. And so for as much knowledge as we have we still cannot control the human emotions that are played out day by day. All of our medical knowledge, engineering knowledge, parenting knowledge, etc. cannot keep us from being human and prone to error in our judgments. Again through all of this I am reminded by the Word of God "Put not your trust in princes, nor in the son of man, in whom there is no help. His breath goeth forth, he returneth to his earth; in that very day his thoughts perish. "Psalms 146:3-4 KJV

And so with this heaviness in my heart I have decided once again to rely on another favorite scripture of mine. God gives us "….. the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness…." Isaiah 61:3 I intend to put that garment on. "A merry heart is a good medicine: but a broken spirit dries up the bones." Proverbs 17:22

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Katiebud will be going into Duke Hospital on June 3rd and 4th for her tests. So close, yet so far away.

Monday, June 2nd, part of the South Dakota family will be here. Daughter Sandra has chosen to stay behind and might meet with us when we go to Montana at the end of June. This is the busy time of the season for her job. Our two oldest grandchildren are teenagers with summer jobs. Life is such that they need to keep their jobs. After watching the news last evening on how hard it is going to be for teens in the job market this summer I was thankful they had a job. We wanted to see them; they wanted to come but, today's economy over rules all of our decisions. Plus, life without mom and dad will be somewhat of an adventure for both of them. Susan, Greg, and other two grandchildren will be leaving this evening.

I have decided that I cannot do as much as I use to when family comes to visit. I have all the bedding ready and I will leave them to make their own beds and decide who sleeps where. I will put on a Thanksgiving meal for when they arrive and we will feast on leftovers. After that I will leave the decision up to the younger generation as what to eat, etc. The way my energy level is lately I doubt that I will be able to do anything more than this. If by a miracle my "Pig Face Mask" (this is my CPAP'S Mask christened name) kicks in and gives me the relief I am looking for in my energy level then it will be the old me, full of energy and raring to go by the time they arrive.

Yesterday the Apria rep came and delivered my CPAP equipment. I was to have a chin strap but it failed to be given to the rep. I asked him why they did not give me a full face mask. He did not know but, he has tried the full face and prefers the chin strap over the full face. Each to his own; I guess it will be trial and error as I get accustomed to this new way to live as a part of my life.  "Change is never easy! You fight to hang on and you fight to let go." Kevin in Wonder Years.  I wore it for the first time last night; I gave up after 4 hours. The sleeping pill at the hospital ruined me in that respect. I was too knocked out to realize I had a contraption on my head and face. I am looking forward to be able to keeping it on longer tonight. Ever since the wearing of it in hospital I have been quite anxious to have it on. That cool air blowing in and on me was quite soothing to say the least. I can't say why but the hospital put a chin strap on me and maybe it was because theirs was an older type. If I even open my mouth it wakes me by taking my breath away and I quickly close my parted jaws. Maybe I won't need a chin strap after all.

The rain never ceases. I would love just one whole week of blue sunny skies and temps of 75 degrees. Wouldn't that be a taste of heaven?

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Hail, hail, the gang is "almost here". In a few hours our home will be surrounded by children and grandchildren. This is the last of our company for the year. How quickly it all went by. Lee and I did last minute grocery shopping and fixing a leaky downstairs shower drain over the weekend. Plus, Lee hooked up the gas line to our Barbeque grill.

I was quite surprised when I awoke this morning at 8a.m. I slept through the night for the first time in I don't know how long. I was not conscious of my mask at all. I do hope this is the answer to most of my tiredness. Today's activities will tell.

The weather is not supposed to cooperate with our family activities. We will just have to wait and see if they are wrong in their predictions.

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I cannot believe the difference the CPAP has made already in my daily living. I have not felt tired. I would be exhausted after making the bed and showering. We have all types of activity going on today and I have not needed to go lay down but, I have anyway so as not to over do it. For two days now I have not had that horrible feeling of tiredness. I wake up rested and do not feel the need to turn over and go back to sleep. I am afraid to hope to much that it will be a long term solution for now. I know it is not the ultimate cure but, a big factor to my feeling better than I have.

The swelling in my legs is worse than usual. However, I will be seeing my PCP next week and perhaps he will increase my Lasix dosage.

What a difference a day makes in the life of a PH'er.

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Computer Woes!!

What a love, hate relationship. It will take me days and probably weeks to fix my computer on my own.  I was hit royally with a computer virus. The first time since I have owned a computer. I love this little machine but, like any relationship it can be testy!

I am still sleeping better and able to cope with longer days without extreme fatigue. The only time I had to really talk to my daughters was at night when everyone was in bed. We stayed up till 2 a. m. laughing and giggling like school girls and trying to reslove  some medical issues concerning our youngest daughter. I woke at nine the next morning refreshed and ready to go. Usually I would feel the after effects of a strenuous day but have not this time around. What a difference between the last company we had in March and now.

The weather cooperated with one of our outings. We spent the day at a water park and it proved to be a hit for young and old. We felt everyone needed to play and that they did. Like the saying goes,"All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." Everyone has had a very strenuous year and we felt this was they way to relax.

We are still waiting to hear from Duke in regards to Katie.

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PCP

Diary,

I just found out this morning that my PCP is leaving to go to another practice. They would not say whether he was staying here, in the nearby area or out of state. I will know Friday when I go to my appointment. If he is even within 2-3 hrs. driving distance I will go to him; if not it will be hard to deal with. He is a young internist and keenly aware of his patients. He is specifically aware of PH and the rode I will travel in regards to my condition. He is why I opted not to look for a PH Specialist. I remember my mother and her friends swooning over Ben Casey; well, this is my Ben Casey and it looks like the show is being cancelled.

Again I am reminded that we cannot put our faith in man. Psalms 146:3-4 "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save. When their spirit departs, they return to the ground; on that very day their plans come to nothing."NIV

I know without a doubt that the Lord led me to this doctor.  As I had been praying and asking the Lord about what direction I should go in finding a doctor; my answer came through a suggestion by my daughter. Twice she suggested I go to her clinic and the second time I heeded that suggestion. Still I was unsure; and then I got a distinct impression of what this doctor would look like (a particular actor) and that  he was very young, personable and  he would find out what had been ailing me for several years. I felt at peace until I walked in the door to the clinic. All I saw talking to a nurse was an elderly man with gray hair and a white coat. I was so sure; what a let down. I was not up to an older, gray haired soon to retire doctor. I wanted someone young and idealistic but with his head on his shoulders. All I could think of while I sat in the waiting room was, "I was so sure of Your voice in this Lord."

After I was weighed and the usual questions asked and answered I sat for 2 hrs. waiting. Off and on during this time I would be reassured someone would be with me. If the examining table would have been a little softer I would have taken a nap on it. Just when my patience was beginning to wear thin, in walks the answer to my prayers. He was everything God said he would be right down to the almost Denzel Washington look. He apologized for keeping me waiting and one could hear the sincerity. After 2 1/2 hours I felt hope for the first time in years. I don't know what happened to the gray haired doctor but, I didn't care. My prayers were answered.

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