Hi everyone

My private diary is now up an running, done a couple of test entries and also a i have couple of comments and they work to..

I am absolutely delighted to share my diary with everyone that is a member of ph central :) cause you are friends that often know more about me and are certainly more supportive than people i "know" that are not real mates , just snoopers!

Anway i now have the link and a password for all my Phcentral mates so if you email me i will pass it on to you so then i know it is just between us :) if you are new to Ph Central i still see you as part of our phamily - o good way to get to know people is through the diaries i think :)
Love to all, lots to tell and heaps going on here...

Annie

Please email me at whitakers@netspace.net.au or pha@netspace.net.au and i will send you the link - no worries at all.

Hope you all had a good Halloween, it is not big here..in fact it really does not happen at all. You can buy some things and some kids trick or treat but most don't. Anway i don't need to dress up to scare kids.....lol

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catching up

I promised myself I would be better at updating my diary……. Well I started University. A refresher course 2 yrs condensed into 3 mths! I finished that last week. I am still waiting for my end results BUT along the way I have done much better than I expected. I did well kids! Our system here is P = Pass, C = Credit (which is better) D = Distinction and HD = High Distinction and of course I think everyone has the old F = Fail. I did 4 subjects fulltime, Maths 1, Critical Literacy and Analysis, Information Tech (computers) and Academic writing (English). All in all I hovered between D and HD. Maths was a HD average and so was Academic writing, I am still waiting for 3 results. I have applied to start psychology in August but will not know until mid July. Now I am on a break until I find out if I am accepted. So I have had my head in the books, lots of tantrums and no house work! Not much time to chat either……… I am still running the PHA Australia site and finding that too much at the moment. It has taken me the last 3 days to catch up on my washing and ironing and today I am going to tackle my walk in robe……..everything has gone down hill in the Whitaker house. It took me a full day to find my dining room table again, which was covered in paper , books, journals an tissues ( from me sobbing saying I could not do it)!

There have been lots going on personally at the same time so I will catch my private diary up over the next few days. I refuse to write my diary “ Academically” even though I leave notes on the fridge like.
“Unless more milk is acquired, black coffee will be the only option. However, there is long life milk in than pantry, although long life milk does not taste the same.”
That is how I would practice, but my diary is me, it is how I speak , I write it like I am talking and from the heart ☺

OH YEAH , I TURNED 50 in April sitting with a bunch of kids at Uni…lol

I have been having dairy troubles and i have posted this in my private diary as well as this one :) so hopefully they have both worked.

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Time passes without me

Times passes..............

I have been in timeless space, i seem to zone out and function day to day--next minute there is another important date that jolts me into existence.

I am now into my Psychology degree, lectures , tutorials, essays, pracs. I am finding it challenging to say the least. I wonder if i have made a mistake. I am wondering if being 50 now i should be doing something less stressful? or perhaps for me still in the early stages of losing our Timothy everything is stressful. The hardest thing is for me to do is shut up and not upset the lecturers who are lecturing on such things as grief, living with illness..etc and i know what they are saying is just not in the "picture". They have no clue but they are experts and my grades are at their mercy. So i have to figure out how to make this work. They say they like inquisitive minds, they say they like people who think their own thoughts , in reality you have to dance to their tune to pass. One slightly built expert with no frown yet earned, ......and cleavage that went forever mentioned that if a parents grief lasted longer that 6 mths than perhaps the parent had a mental illness before the loss.....hooly dooly !!!!!!!!! ( where as i have frowns all over and cleavage that starts where hers ended) i knew that what she said is not so...i will write a book one day and perhaps an "expert" might read it...... this is a dilemma. I said nothing, except that grief is individual and i think it is hard to generalize.

I have finally got the Australian PH website up and running - this had has been a massive exercise, i certainly did not realize how much it would take and how complex it would be. We have 101 members now and we had a trivia night in Wagga Wagga , which is in southern NSW and raised $2626.00 to help pay for the site and also to print some brochures. There are some pics on there if anyone wants to have a look. It is under special events. It was a great night and the ladies that organized it worked soooo hard - it was fabulous. I flew down there and opened the night with an explanation of PH - all helping raise awareness.

I have some pics that Tina took when she went up the Conference in Texas and i will write a page for that soon and post it under special events.

Now that i am writing the site and not paying someone to make minor changes i am able to add things and change and up date information...we now have a link to PHCentral :) YAY!

Oh yeah , in amongst all that my computer hard drive bit the dust! so i had to use Tim's old computer( the old rattler with all the letters worn off) - then when i had a new hard drive put in i lost all my old bookmarks and had to try and remember my passwords - i am writing list now ( wink)


Tim should be 29 this sunday coming Sept 7th - it is also fathers day down here....not sure if it is up there ?

Still beading and made a fabulous piece with a glass heart pendant last week and this week i am going to learn to use a loom and bead a bracelet.... should be interesting? Out comes the reading glasses for that one i think. I must remember to take some pics before my mother, sister, MIL or sisters in law steal them :) then i can add them to creative corner.

Love to all

Annie

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Today is Tim's birthday

Tim should be 29 today. This is a weird empty feeling i have. I have woken up thinking about that beautiful baby boy that was handed to me back in 1979.

Tim was born 07.09.79 and weighed 7lb 9oz at 7.09pm. He told me many times he would live to 79. ( we do dates - day/ mth/ year down under) HE WAS GORGEOUS! I was so proud he was so beautiful and i made him! ( with a small amount of help)

Normally i would be buzzing around preparing for a family dinner, teasing him that i forgot to buy a present and remembering my baby way back in 1979. He would have found the cake at the back of the fridge by now and pretended he hasn't! He would have reverted to being a child for a day - saying " I can because i am the birthday boy" " i get to go first because it's my birthday"
( which i loved) - The phone would be ringing - the phone of does not ring anymore on the 7th Sept.

We just don't know what to do with ourselves, we are walking around hopeless and wanting to do something for Tim. Our families are pretending that it is not happening or they have forgotten? We don't do the memorial thing in the paper...... I like to remember him here, it is a safe place, with my friends. - Thanks guys :) I have that many candles going i think i will burn my own hole in the ozone layer............ I think this is going to be a long day

It is also fathers day - things are not the same. Maybe it is still early days for such a loss? Different to other losses - i do not feel the same about my Dad's birthday.......the mother/ child connection must make it different i think. We did get one card that said "thinking of you on Tim's birthday" a friend sent it, i was so pleased to get it and i have it up on the sideboard. It is still Tim's birthday even though he is not here. I want people to acknowledge it and they are not.


Where ever you are TIm , if heaven is there? If you are here but in spirit, can you here me when i talk to you?

i love you - Happy Birthday Son. We are still working hard for you and PH - we will never give up.

Love
Mum, Dad and Phil

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Retail therapy is a wonderful thing!

Well we had our candles going all day and i buy the little T , lights and they are all inside glass containers and bowls so i don;t have to worry about fire etc and some of them are outside under a frangipani tree - Tim favorite :) I light a 2 candles every day and have for over 2 years , one for TIm and one for everyone i know that has been taken by PH.

Don't pay for therapy - BUY SHOES! yes i went , or i should say WE went shopping - Richard bought two really cool T shirts and getting him to buy clothes ( especially something modern) is like winning lotto - but the method to my madness is make him buy something fabulous and then i get to guilt free,,,,,! He bought a navy T shirt withs some funky guitar designs on the front and the other on was more of a short sleeve shirt ( a very fine silk/ cotton mix) with a bit of pinky mauvy colour through it ( do you believe that) - and he does look pretty good in them i must say , i hate it when the girls get dressed up to go somewhere and they guys always look the same.

NEXT - SHOE SHOP
Not one ladies
not two ladies
BUt 3 pairs!
I know - how naughty is that! so naughty if felt fabulous -

I bought a beigy colored sandal and i think it is a USA brand called Merrell and they are rubbery and soft under foot - my feet are ridiculous , i am the biggest sook when it comes to shoes, i cannot wear really hard inner souls , me feet get sore and i get cranky - i wear crocs around here ( do you have crocs there?) my sons calls them " seriously ugly foot wear" but they are loft and rubbery under foot and i can wear them all day - these sandles are stylish and nearly as comfy as my crocs.

NEXT

i bought a par of walking shoes with a bronzy colored mesh and bronze at the back and toe - they zip up the front - they were a flash brand too ( i splashed out severely) - they are also Merrell brand

NEXT ok i bought some new crocs - but these look like suede and they look like ballet flats, Philip will not even know they are crocs underneath, they have an arch support and are RED! They will be fabulous for Univeristy.

And we had to go to the pool shop and buy some,thing for the pump on the swimming pool and i found a floating disco ball that has lED lights in it and runs off rechargeable batteries and spins and the lights change color - a must have! i am a bit of a light freak, i love pretty lights, i have fairy lights running up the palm trees around the pool and i have dimmers, lamps, solar dragon fly lights in the front yard..... yes you can see me from space! I love pretty lights. I don;t have them on all at once but if we are night swimming, having people for a bbq then well 'BLING" the come one :) - the pool is nearly warm enough for night swimming now - the temp has to be 30 Celsius for me to get in.


OK THEN we went to the BBQ shop and bought a BABYQ , we have a BBQ that sits out the back it runs on gas but with just the two of us and maybe Philip home for dinner we turn on the burners and use about a tenth of it. So Webber have a BABYQ , It is little and is on a little trolley and we could cook for maybe 4 on it maybe 5 at a push if we just did fish, meat or chicken and had salads.... or we could put a small roast in it. anyway we fired it up last night, i had 3 wines and i have some of the pills left over that they gave me when Tim was in ICU - i took one of them and said goodnight to a long long long day

We cried a lot and bashed the credit card a lot which gave us short term distractions and something to think about. Family phoned Mum Richards, Mum, Philip is in Sydney for a wedding and went to the memorial gardens and covered Tim with flowers. A couple of my friends sent card which i really appreciate. It was a fathers day too and also my nanna's anniversary of her death. ( mum's mum) who i was very close to growing up - she Died 7/9/77 and Tim was born 7/9/79 = we always said that it changed the dat for mum to something nice.

Now i am about to go online and buy a lottery ticket - to pay for the credit card :)

Love you guys and thanks for helping me with your love, thoughts , prayers and candles.

Annie

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