I'm writing in here for the first time today because I'm bored. I usually don't like to talk about my pph but I thought..what the hell - if anywhere is the place to do it, it might as well be here. I was recently diagnosed with this horrible disease on May 6/2003. Previous to that day I had been feeling like crap for about two years and I could not figure out what was wrong with me. Neither could anyone else. Like most of us we just thought we were simply out of shape. If it were only that easy. Anyways that's what I thought and I also was told by my doctor that I had asthma and of course needed to stop smoking. I finally new it was more serious than just that one day when I was babysitting my friends son. We were downstairs watching TV when he asked for a snack. By the time I made it upstairs I headed straight to the bathroom because I was thinking I was gonna get sick. I sat down on the toilet seat, felt all the blood and energy rush out of my head and the next thing I remember was waking up lying on the ground hitting my head against the counter. It was sorta like I was having a seizure but I really don't know if I was or not. You should have seen the bathroom, I had knocked everything off the counter -even the little thing that holds the toilet paper was on the ground. I looked in the mirror and I had a huge bump on my forehead. It was crazy. I was really scared. I've fainted two more times after that - once was extremely bad where I slipped on ice and that got me all dizzy and seeing stars and I didn't want to get up, but I did because the cab was waiting. When I did get up I think I walked maybe three steps and fell flat on my face. I woke up not knowing what the hell happened because all my friends were around me and I was told not to move the ambulance was on its way. I couldn't believe it! Nothing like that had ever happened to me and as I was lying there on the cold ground crying and freaking out, I just did not want that to be me. There was sooooo much blood and I had to get 6 stiches and you should see the scar on my chin now. I had actually chipped the bone and this was about 6mths ago....my chin is still numb and it hurts like hell. It was a horrible terrible situation. The other time I fainted was very weird - not so bad though cause I was lying in bed. I had came inside from a cigarette, walked up 5 stairs to my bedroom, sat down on my bed and by that time all I could hear was the beating of my heart. It was so loud I couldn't believe it. And it was beating so fast, I just couldn't breathe. A couple seconds went by and I was just praying this would stop soon. Then I heard ringing in my ears. That didn't stop for a few minutes and kept getting louder and louder. I woke up just lying there and I thought it was very strange and knew I had to see my doctor.

I had been seeing my doctor regularly but like I said I was told it was just asthma. The day I went to the hospital was because my ankles and feet were swollen. They had been swollen for a few days but honestly I didn't think of it as a big deal. Finally though, no matter how much I stayed off my feet, kept them elevated, took some ibuprophen and nothing was helping, I agreed to let my mom take me to the hospital. It was a day from hell. Actually 10 days from hell because they kept me that long. In emerge, they looked at me and said "you defintely need to see a doctor, you look fine on the outside but something is definatly wrong here." So I waited and waited for the doctor to look at me (and this took hours of course) and to make matters even worse, the SARS thing was going on at this time, so the hospital was under very strict conditions and I was not allowed visitors. About 4hours later, the paramedics came and strapped me into a bed and told me I was going to be transferred to Memorial Hospital because there was no beds at the General. So I get to my room, and I end up having the roomate from hell. This lady scared the shit outta me. She was telling me all kinds of things that she thought was wrong with me. She was saying I might have to go through dialysis, they might just put a catheter in me to drain the fluid, or she also thought it might be something as simple as gout. She kept telling me that I was in a critical position otherwise I'd be on a different floor because the 4th floor was only for patients with serious heart problems and people who have had open heart surgery.

She meant well but really I'm only 24years old she did not need to have to scare me like that. I just wanted her to shut-up and go to sleep. And she'd always try and console me and tell me not to cry so much. Sometimes I would pull the "curtain wall" closed when she was gone from the room to get a little privacy but as soon as she got back she'd pull it open and say she needed to see what was going on in the hallway. I couldn't believe this. The hallway. Seriously. Do you want to know what was going on in the hallway?! Oh my god, old men farting and puking and hacking up there freakin lungs and everyone talking about being so sick and death and every other discusting and sick thing you could think about. I hated everyone and just wanted to get the outta there. The next morning I had woken up to a nurse saying that I was going to be going down for my renal ultrasound in about 15min. And this is kind of a funny story actually it's hilarious. When she told me that I almost died. I started crying like crazy and I called my mom and my boyfriend and told them what they where gonna do to me. They couldn't believe it either. I was still freaking out when the girl came to get me (with a wheelchair). I was pissed about that too because I felt like I did any other day - I could walk to the elevator and down the hallway but no, they wouldn't let me. Anyways I was crying and asking her about it and how I just couldn't believe that they were gonna stick a camera up my butt. Yes, I had thought the nurse had said rectal ultrasound. And the girl who was wheeling me around didn't have a clue either. She's trying to calm me down and I remember her even saying "it will only hurt for a minute". When I got downstairs to the ultrasound room, the nurse actually laughed at me and later with me. She said "God no, this is a renal ultrasound, we will only be looking at your kidneys." I was so relieved because I knew there was nothing wrong with my ass!!!

So I went through many ultrasounds hundreds of bloodtests and finally came to the awful conclusion that I have primary pulmonary hypertension. When they told me this I was so angry. My hospital stay was very unpleasant and the evening of truth came when I was actually feeling pretty good. I had just got off the phone with Wes (my boyfriend) and I was all set to watch the season finale of Survivor. I was minutes into the show when this doctor comes around to my side of the room.....by this time my roomate from hell that been released and I was lucky enough to move to her side - the window side. Also I constantly had the curtain shut so I was doing alright. So I see this doctor and I take off my headphones. He tells me what I have and he tells me there are medicines for this but unfortunaltly, no cure. He's telling me that I might need to walk around with a tube sticking out of my neck (permanently) or I might need to get a heart and lung transplant. Now I'm LOSING IT. I came in here because I've fainted one or two times have trouble breathing and now I heave to get a heart and lung transplant!!! I had never been in this state and had never cryed so much in my life. They let me have my mom and my aunt come and talk with me and this doctor (who is now my cardiologist) and he explained things to them. It was awful. He asked me if I could get to Toronto or to London and I told him that I wasn't going to Toronto in a million years. (This is where the SARS crap is taking place.) Also my aunt lives in London so even thought its 2hrs further it's way better. So this is where my ph specialist is - London ON. He's a great man and has helped me alot. The heart catheter was also another HORRIBLE situation that I will never forget. Everyone says "It's more uncomfortable than it is painful" but its was both. I was told I was the most tense patient they ever had during a heart catheter. It was uncomfortable because you know something is in your neck and you can hear them pushing the tube down. It was discusting. And I could not cough or sneeze for a week without extreme pain. I hope I never have to have another one again. I heard people in the States have to have them every year....not us Canadians. Thank god I don't live in America. I say that but I know that you do whatever you can to keep on living. I used to be deathly afraid of needles. Now I go for bloodwork once a week. You do what you gotta do.

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Hey again.  You know, all my life I have loved writing and have always had a book that I wrote in but I always hated calling it a diary.  I still pretty much do.  Don't ask me why but I find it embarrasing.  I have a few other words that I really can't stand either.  Me and my boyfriend recently bought a house, and of course I have many decorations that I needed to put on end tables, coffee tables, the kitchen table, and I knew that they needed something underneath them but I absolutely Hate calling them doileys.  I have a hard enough time even writing the word let alone saying it.  Another one is pansie.  What in the hell is a pansie anyway?  I think it's a flower but I really don't know.

I just really had to get that out of my system.  So as I was saying, writing always made me feel better about things.  It's always just writing about my feelings, when I was a kid I tried to write a few stories but that did not work, but when I write down things that happened to me especially this pph thing, it helps me alot. 

I recently went for my third trip to see my specialist.  It turned out to be a really good trip.  The first one was awful cause basically I was going there so they could "confirm the diagnosis", the second time was probably even worse cause that was my catheter trip but this time they were pretty happy with me.  On my first 6min walk, I covered 360 meters and had to stop 3 times.  Afterwards I also felt like shit.  This time, I covered 510 meters, didn't have to stop and when I was done I felt fine.  My heart was still beating like crazy but I was breathing normally.  They said I was the best patient they had seen yet, except there are patients right behind me.  I was told that my pressures are still a little high, so my doctor wants me to up my medicine and start excersising my heart.  Well not my heart but that I should start excersising to make my heart stronger.  He said the stronger my heart, the more my pressures will go down.  That's cool though, I'm going to borrow my mom's treadmill and start walking as much as I can everyday.  Maybe not everyday, but I'll try.  Ah, I think Friday, Saturday and Sunday will be my "day's off."  I am excited about this though because I haven't been able to do anything like this in years.  Maybe I'll loose a little weight at the same time.

So the medicines I'm taking are norvasc, warfarin, and digoxin.  He only wants to increase the norvasc, he actually decreased the warfarin to 2mg a day.  With norvasc right now I'm at 20mg, but he wants me to climb slowly to 30 (or until I see side effects.)  When he told me that I could not really understand why he would want me to experience side effects, but he said because when I do see them, I will know that I am at the highest level my body can handle and he said I'll start to feel even better after the side effects go away.  Now yesterday, I was talking to my family doctor about this and he said basically the same thing except he said until I can tolerate the side effects.  Tolerate?  As if I want to feel dizzy again and lightheaded and the ultimate worst is the swelling.  I can't handle that.  It's only usually in my ankles and feet but I really don't wanna feel like a cow all the time.  And I know that with the water pills that sometimes takes care of it but having to pee every 5minutes isn't my idea of a good time!  You can't go anywhere like that.  Imagine going on a trip and having to stop constantly on the highway so I could pee?!  No thanx.  And I also know that with CCB'S a common side effect is swelling.  MOTHER OF GOD.  I'll never be able to go back to work which after christmas I am looking forward to going back or -just simply doing something- but I sit at a computer for 8 hours at Canadian Blood Services.  There's no way in hell you can do that with swollen feet, because not only are they big but they hurt.  My mom told me just to bring something to my desk to stick under my feet, but I asked her if she could sit at a desk all day with her feet up.  It might sound relaxing to some people but give it a try and you'll see , especially since the feet are supposed to be higher than the heart.  Not possible.

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This whole phcentral site is a pretty good thing I guess, but I do alot of reading here and often I get very depressed.  It's pretty damn depressing!!!  I think it is mainly a fear of mine that one day I will end up feeling like many do.  SICK.  I have been feeling fine since about July, but I do have alot of worries.  I'm scared to death that my meds will stop working one day.  And they most likely will, but I can't deal with that anytime soon.  I don't know if I ever want to go on Flolan.  I know the option is live or die...., but right now I don't want it.  Not at all.  And that's also how I feel about having another heart catheter...., I think I might rather die.  Now I know this is not true because of course my biggest fear is dying.  Especially dying young.  Like I said before you do what you gotta do to keep on survivin'.  But I just read someone else's diary, and she said she has trouble reading now.  I hope that this doesn't happen to me.  I love to read.  Alot of times I'd rather just stay in, get in to my pj's and read a good Steven King book.  He's my favorite right now.  I really can't imagine not being able to read anymore.  I know it's not that you can't actually read, it's just the concentrating part...but I'm dreading if that ever happens to me.  This disease is scary man. 

Since I feel so good, I usually don't even think about it that often.  Well that's not true but I try and live as normal as anyone else can.  When I got sick, my doctor told me that I couldn't drink anymore and I had to quit smoking.  I think I have finally conquered the smoking thing, but I still have a couple beers whenever I feel like it.  I think I wasn't allowed to drink because I had to keep my INR at a certain level, well I also have that figured out and it's been good for about 9 weeks now.  My family doctor was very strict with me about this he told me that I can have a beer at x-mas and a beer on my birthday.  Whatever.  I know how to take care of myself and I am 24 yrs old, this is what we do on weekends, have a good time and have a couple drinks.  I honestly don't really care.  With this situation, I'm gonna do what I feel like doing.  And it's not because I'm an alcoholic because I'M NOT but pretty much every Friday, and sometimes Saturday's, all my friends and I would get together and usually go out to the bar afterwards.  As a matter of fact I'm going out tomorrow, it's my friend Leanne's birthday.  I think I might buy myself a bottle of crown royal.  I've been craving that lately.  Ever since the song "Ignition" came out and the part that goes "sippin on coke and rum' I'm like so what I'm drunk..., it's the freakin' weekend baby I'm about to have me some fun !!!"  Only because one day last winter at Wes' Inco party when I was drinking rye and coke, that song came on the radio for the first time and I loved it.  I'll never forget that day for some reason..  It was just a really good day with a damn good night.  I have no idea what were doing tonite, Wes is probably working til 6:00, which sucks, and the weather sucks even worse.  It is sooooo cold outside and it's rainy and just ugly.  I can't believe it's only October 3rd (gotta call Lori, it's her b-day today) but it's been snowing off and on since Tuesday.  I'm not ready for the snow yet.  Oh well.  Well I think I'm gonna go find something to eat and veg on the couch for awhile. ~ Later ~

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I should be sleeping, but I just can't fall asleep even though I'm so tired.  Last night was a late one.  I think tomorrow I might finally try and make those sweet and sour meatballs that I've been putting off making.  I think I'll do that when I wake up, watch Days at 1:00, clean the house and have my shower, go for my bloodwork then who knows.  I know on Tuesday, were going to pick up the blinds for living room (FINALLY).  This week should be interesting, theres lots to do.  The weekends from now until December are gonna suck because it's hunting season.  Moose hunting from Sat until November, then deer till December.  Great.  I'll be all alone.  When Wes goes to the island for deer, I think I'm gonna go back to my mom's.  I don't know if I wanna stay here all by myself for a week.  I'd probably be too scared.  This Sunday I'm going to grandpa's camp for Thanksgiving.  That should be cool.  I haven't been there for a few months, it's just too bad Wes can't come.  Especially since he's the one bugging me all summer to go up there.  Then on Monday his parents are having Thanksgiving dinner at there house.  Man, I'm gonna be stuffed full of turkey.  Turkey and booze.  Should be right on.

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I'm just bored right now and I don't feel like watching TV yet.  Soon, but not yet.  Today the stupid satellite card was down so, I got out of bed and went straight to cleaning the house.  I did alot.  These floors though, they drive me freakin crazy.  And it's really weird because I'm reminding myself so much of my mom, (which I do not want!) but it's true.  People come in the house and I'm like "don't walk on the floor with your shoes on, don't touch that or don't touch this."  All kinds of motherly things I guess.  Even though I'm not a mom and probably will never get to be, I just cannot help it.  Like, I have these black towels in the bathroom right now and I'm trying to keep reminding wes there just for "show."  I mean I seriously can't be changing the towels in the bathroom every single day, but if wes keeps using them, I'll have to.  It's not my fault he is a MAN and he wipes toothpaste on the towels or shaving cream but it's like use something else or wash it off with WATER first, then it wouldn't be so bad.  But he doesn't.  And I love him like crazy it's just I'm getting used to living with a guy and having to clean up after himself and myself.  Oh well that's life I guess.  As I was saying though, the floors give me the most trouble.  I have no carpet in my house the rooms and the living room are hardwood which I love, but the kitchen and dining room are linoleum.  White linoleum.  There IMPOSSIBLE to keep clean.  I sweep (2-3 times daily) then I wash the floor, then I vacuum the floor.  It's insane.  The reason I have to vacuum afterwards is mainly because of my hair.  I've had long hair all my life, long dark brown hair and I find it all over the house.  A day does not go by that I don't pick up huge amounts of hair and it's making me sick..  I'm seriously debating on shaving my head.  And on the white floor you can see as much as an eyelash lying there.  I know most people cannot see these things but myself, I hate living in filth, I'm a very clean person, I like to be clean and I like my house to be clean.  Keeping up with it is harder then I ever imagined!  I've literally broken down 2 or 3 times now because of these damn floors.  People might laugh but it just drives me crazy that I do all that I can to keep it clean, and it still looks dirty.  Not even that but hours after it is clean, it's dirty again because of going in and out all the time.  Plus our driveway isn't paved so that doesn't help at all.  I think I just have to not care so much and just try not to think about it all the time.  I'll see how things go tomorrow., don't think I'm crazy......

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ALL I WANNA SAY TONIGHT IS THAT I HATE LIVING WITH THIS STUPID FUCKING DISEASE.  I HATE IT SO MUCH WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO GET?  AND I DON'T CARE IF IM FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF.  LET ME/.

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great.  just great.  i'm sorry you people had to read that, it was supposed to be in the windings font, but that doesn't work.  i am not having a very good day so please don't even read this.  i just watched er and now im even more depressed.  i said to my boyfriend, and they better not say that she's gonna die in a year, and he said yeah well they always have to make things look worse for tv, well they freakin said that "she is going to unfortunatly have a slow and horrible death."  it's not fair.  i cant stop crying right now and yes i am feeling very sorry for myself.  i feel like i will never lead a normal life again, and i am afraid of having a slow and horrible death.  im afraid of dying period. 

I HATE THIS WORLD.

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I guess you can say I'm just in a gray kinda mood.  Today and yesterday.  It all started with that stupid ER episode.  Don't get me wrong I love the show but of course that episode really and I mean really upset me.  And I'm sure it probably made others feel the same way, especially if they are newly diagnosed with the disease.  I was diagnosed in May and the show scared the shit outta me.  I've been pretty depressed ever since, but what can you do.  Also, just awhile ago I opened a piece of mail saying I was declined for house insurance.  I kinda knew that they wouldn't approve me but still, it hurts.  It's a big dissapointment.  Again, what can you do?!  I really have nothing to say right now, I'm sooooooooo tired but just cannot fall asleep, last night I was up until 4:30 am and awake at 11:30.  I know that's 7hours sleep but it's really not enough for me these days.  Sleep is something I always loved, it's probably the thing I like to do best, seriously, but I need more than 7 hrs lately.  Wes is going hunting tomorrow and I'm going to my grandpa's camp for Thanksgiving.  I'm not really in the mood to do anything but I know if I just stay at home I'd be more depressed and bored.  I really hope they get there moose this weekend, I hate hunting season.  The weather here is very weird right now too, it's supposed to be pretty hot tomorrow and I don't think there use to hunting in warm weather.  Every time I went, we froze so it should be a weird season.  If it stays like this, which in Canada....you never know.

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happy thanxgiving!

This weekend was pretty cool.  On Saturday, we went to camp and it was so nice out it felt like summer again.  I had a pretty good time, I just wished more of my cousins would have been there.  I ended up hanging around my 7 yr old cousin Dylan and my other cousin's boyfriend most of the day...but we still had a blast.  I love going there.  I'll probably spend some time there this winter because my dad just bought another snowmachine, so me and Wes can take the other one and boot around on that.  My aunt Gail is down from London and yesterday we went to the casino for a few hours, blew our cash then went back to my mom's and had a few drinks.  Today is monday.  Wes is hunting again, but around 4 o'clock were going to his parents for thanksgiving dinner.  I hope we have an alright time.  Anyway, I gotta go have a shower and get ready because I'm sure he'll be home soon.

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It's thursday.  I watched ER but of course it was a repeat so I am excited to see next week if they have anything about that girl with pph or not.  Didn't do much today, actually I didn't do much all week.  I have been so tired. I'm not sure if it really has to do with pph I think it just might be my own fault.  Since not working, I've been staying up extremely late at night and sleeping in till about 1pm.  I hate that.  I honestly do.  By the time I'm ready in the day, Wes is just getting home from work and alot of the times supper isn't even ready for him yet.  I do feel bad and I do have to change my ways.  Tomorrow, I'm setting my alarm for 10:00 (and I know that's not the earliest but it's a start) getting up and doing the things I have to do.  I am going shopping with my mom when she's done work.  I need to pick up some groceries and I feel like spending money on myself so I'll see what I can do.

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Today was a rainy boring lazy day.  Wes is working afternoons (he just left) and I didn't even have a shower today.  I don't care.  I will admit to this...I do watch alot of TV.  I have many favorite shows, but lately TV is so depressing.  I believe the last 5 or 6 shows I've watched, someone has died in every epidose.  I can't handle this anymore.  I'm so scared of dying and I don't want to die any time soon. AHH I can't even talk or write about this because tears start happening in my eyes, but it's true.  Death is everywhere.  I was thinking last night that if I die what will Wes do?  Will he still live here without me?  Will he meet someone else and she'll move in here?  I can't handle this.  I am so scared and I hate that I have this @#$%&*# disease.  I really wish I could swear because I want to so bad right now.  I also think that whoever might be reading this is probably thinking to themselves..."holy shit, she's messed up"  But the thing is, I am pretty messed up.  Pph messed my entire life up!!!  As long as I'm admitting things about myself I might as well say that I tend to feel sorry for myself because of pph every day - but I also don't care about feeling sorry for myself and I feel like I have the right to!  We all do!  Because this is not fun, and in no way is this easy!  I'm just getting more and more scared every day.  And I know people say "but your young, you have a good chance," but no, not really because were all gonna die and from what the doctors tell us it's gonna be sooner than later.  I hate living in fear.  I gotta get outta here.

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pink.  I really used to hate the color pink but lately I kinda like it.  Today Wes was off because he worked graveyard last night so we went 4x4'ing in the bush.  We went to Kukagami so he did bring his gun incase we seen a moose, but of course the only thing we saw was a skinny little partrigde.  I LOVE the bush and being there this time of year is my favorite.  All the leaves are red, yellow, orange and half of them are already on the ground.  Being out there today made me miss summer though.  It goes by so fast and especially here....we have like 3 months of summer and the other 9 are brutal.  I hate winter but sort of love it at the same time.  I just don't like the cold and who wants to do anything in -30 conditions.  Not me.  Ah hopefully this will be a nice winter.  One thing I am excited for is X-mas.  For the housewarming party everyone bought me some kind of christmas decoration so that helps alot.  I hope I get a dog this christmas.  I really want one bad.  I thought it might be really hard to ever get one again after Rylee died, but I'm ready.  I need something to keep me busy.  I love dogs and I know this might be more than I can handle right now....but I'm going for it.  I don't know what kind I want though, and this could get tough because I would like to get one soon...maybe even before x-mas if I can find the right breed.  Big decision.  I have been looking all over the internet for ideas but I don't know yet.......and there are so many... 

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"sunday, bloody sunday!!"

~That's all I gotta say today~

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There should be a better color selection on this program because if there were, I would have written in orange.

Happy Halloween....                 

Well thats all I really wanted to say, I have to get ready.  We have a house inspector coming over this afternoon, Wes found out that the foundation of our house isn't made out of concrete like it said it was in the survey, it is made from wood.  So there's gonna be shit to pay...we are planning on suing the previous owner's butt off.  I'm kinda excited about that!!  This means we are gonna get a brand new basement, and brand new plumbing free!!  Sometimes life can be bearable.

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What a crappy halloween this year was!  It rained (poured) most of the night and we only got about 35 kids.  I had asked our neighbor how many kids she usually gets and she said usually 130.  Damn.  I bought 80 chocolate milks and 60 bags of party mix.  I'm gonna be drinking chocolate milk forever.  But that's ok, I don't mind.  Too bad it was so ugly out there, I felt sorry for all the kids.  I said to Wes, times have really changed because I remember when I was trick or treating, the streets were FULL of kids until atleast 9:00.  Tonight it started about 5:45, a couple of the kids weren't even in a costume..and we didn't get anyone come to the door past 7:00.  Sad.  Oh well.

So I'm completely changing the subject but, now I find out that I have CHF.  Great.  It's funny I found out here, on Phcentral, and not from my doctor.  I can't believe this.  I don't know if I should be worrying or not and I have no idea what to do about it.  I feel like smacking my doctor in the head for not telling me.  Before I got diagnosed with anything at all, I remember asking my mom what I could do about swollen ankles so she said to go on the internet and check it out.  She told me to "Ask Jeeves", so I went in to that, typed in swollen ankles and all this shit about heart failure came up.  I was beginning to get a little scared, I said to Wes (as a joke) I have heart failure.  But then I looked into it a little more because of course at that point in my life I new it had to be something serious enough.  And Mother of God look at me now.  I hate primary pulmonary hypertension.  I hate it so much.  Last week I was on the chat talking to someone I've never talked to before and she was practically bragging that she wasn't afraid of this disease and if she were to ever get pph, she would be fine with it.... Is that right?  That honestly just angers me.  I can't say that I'll ever be FINE with this illness and I am very much afraid of what it will do to me and when it will take my life.  Maybe some people just aren't afraid of dying but hey man I am.  Ya that just makes me mad.  I really hate having this disease.  It is so hard.. and everyone's always like you look so good though, you don't look that sick..and really I'm too nice to say anything to there face, but one day , and I think it will be soon, I'm gonna crack.. I know it's no one's fault, there just complimenting me but don't freaking tell me I'm not that sick when I have a fatal F*#$'n disease.  I apologize to the people on this website who think I might be crazy, because I have gotten a couple emails from people saying to take it easy, and not be so depressed, but I can't help it at this time in my life,so I'm sorry and alot of times I think that this is not the right place for me.  I need somewhere a little more vulgar.  I mean I do love phcentral, it helps me but it depresses me more.  Almost every time I check this site out I end up breaking down and crying and most of the times it ruines my night but there is good times too.  Theres good people and good advice.  So I do love you guys, don't be scared of me...I'm not insane!  Well I guess that was my bitch session for tonight. 

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Hey...it's been awhile since I've been here.  Last Sunday, I got a puppy and I've been extremely busy with her.  Her name is Charly, she's mixed- lab, collie & german shephard.  Right now she is 11 weeks and so cute.  I can't believe how good she is too!!  She has peed in the house only 3 times and they were all me and Wesley's fault.  She knows how to sit and how to shake a paw....I'm very impressed.  We took her for her first car ride tonite and I think she was pretty scared, she shook the whole ride.  Sometimes I have doubts about having her, only because now it's like having a baby... I really can't go anywhere without her or without worrying about her.  Before the car ride, we went shopping for about an hour and we decided to leave her out of her crate - she hates the crate - when we got back, nothing was misplaced and she was sitting under the kitchen table waiting for us.  She really is good!

The weather here in Sudbury sucks.  Winter is coming.....fast.  It's been snowing on and off for about 3 days now and the wind is so cold.  I already miss summer!!

We had the house inspector come over yesterday because of the plumbing problems were having.  He said he can't do anything about the plumbing, but we hopefully will be able to do something about our freaking basement.  What a horror story.  I can't remember if I said already but our two of our walls in the basement are made out of wood.  It said directly in the survey of the house concrete.  Bullshit!  Oh god...anyways the other two walls are caving in because of this so we are trying to get title insurance to fix it.  If we are not covered...we are royally SCREWED.  I don't even want to think about that!  We will have to fix it if were not covered and of course we cannot afford that!  I still haven't even got a freakin paycheck, that's another story.  Well my dad said, if were not covered to walk away.  I'm like what do you mean walk away and he said let the bank take the house and get the hell out.  He doesn't think we should spend all this money on this old house.  It was built in '62.  I don't know he is probably right... I had a dream last night that we had to move out and I was so upset, crying and all that.  We just better get covered man!

I should go, this is the latest I've been up since I got Charly, considering she waked me up at like 7:30am....and that is EARLY for me man so I really need to sleep!

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I bought Charly a dog bed tonight.  Before, I would just throw a blanket on the floor and she would curl up in that, but the blanket was getting on my nerves always lying around on the floor, so I go out tonight and buy her a $30 bed.  Guess where she is laying right now...all the way in the freakin kirchen!  I mean I don't really understand that, its pitch black in there, she's lying underneath the table on the floor, why the heck wouldn't she want a nice comfy bed?  I know she is just a dog, but still man!!  She better get used to it because I probably can't take it back now.  We have had her for just over a week now and she's is good, but she is starting to pee in the house...  ah, well she's just a puppy.  Tomorrow, we are taking her to get her nails clipped and to get her first bath, I can't wait!  Her nails are so long and eventually I will do this myself, but the groomer is Wes' friend so he wants to go there for the first time. 

I finally am coming in to some money,....THANK GOD... I called today and they mailed the check on the 7th so I should get it probably tomorrow.  When I found that out, I had to go spend some money so we went to Canadian Tire....got a really good deal on a christmas tree, Zellers where we got a whole bunch of christmas ornaments and decorations and then to Home Sense...more decorations.  I'm so excited for christmas this year, even though we don't have that much money I just can't wait to decorate.  I already started doing some stuff, last Thursday I was listening to this cd my dad made me.  It's Kenny Roger's Christmas album (it's actually a record and he recorded it and made me a cd).  I used to listen to that all the time growing up it is probably my favorite christmas music!!  So I'm listening to that and I really started getting in the x-mas spirit...

On Sunday, Wes is leaving for the Island to go deer hunting for the week.  I think that day, I'm probably gonna go to my parent's for the night and then I might come back and put up my tree.  I know it's early but I feel like it!!!!!!

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Hey.  It's been awhile...I guess I've been busy....Well sort of I guess.  My dog's been keeping me busy.  I just looked out the window and it snowing out again.  Crappy.  I am so bored right now, it's Friday night and here I am doing nothing.  To top it all off, the stupid satellite dish went down again so I'm stuck watching Canadian tv....let me tell you, I am proud to be Canadian, but canadian tv sucks.  Big time.  Direct TV better be back on by tomorrow because I need to just relax on the couch and watch a movie or something.

On Tuesday, my grandpa went into the hospital.  I believe he is ok now but it was a really weird situation at first.  My uncle Danny stopped in at grandpa's before work and grandpa was coming down the stairs when Dan walked in the house.  He said that my grandpa looked at him as if he didnt know who the hell he was so my uncle knew there was something going on.  The ambulance finally came and gramps started getting violent, attacking people and he didn't have a clue who anyone was.  Anyways, it turned out that he was very dehydrated and malnourished so he should be getting out soon.  At first they thought that he might have had a stroke, thank god he didn't.  I heard he is feeling better, just talking very slowly but he does know who everyone is thankfully.  I can't imagine being at camp with the whole family and him not recognizing anyone.  I would like to go visit him, but my dad told me to stay the hell away from the hospital unless I want to get sick.  The memories made me not having a problem to just wait until he gets out to see him. 

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I've been feeling like crap for the last couple days.  All I do is sleep.  I am tired all the time, although, I still can't seem to fall asleep at a normal hour at bedtime.  Bedtime is usually around 3:00-4:00am, then I wake up at 12:00, but I'll sleep on the couch most of the afternoon.  I can't stand this.  Wes thinks I might just have a flu, but I think it has to be the disease.  My heart is beating like crazy lately too for no reason at all.  I'm really not in the mood to be sick man, my friends are all coming home from Ottawa in a few weeks and I don't want to feel like this when they are here.  I've been really depressed lately too, and that only happens when I'm lying in bed trying to sleep.  I can't help thinking about how things will be after I'm gone.  I know this is not a normal way to think, but I do.  I can't stand the thought, but it's there.  I think about how Wes is gonna live without me.  Discusting I know.  I know he'll be fine, if anything it would have been me that cannot live without him...but the thoughts will not leave my head.  It's not fair to have pph.  Why the hell do I have it?  I want to be suddently misdiagnosed like that other lady on this list, must be nice to just get to say "yeah, can you remove me from phcentral, the doctor misdiagnosed me so I don't need to be here anymore."  Bitter yes I am, but again, I can't help it and I just do not give a shit.

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<Today was a bad day right from the moment I got up.  Got up late because I went to bed too late.  Sunday night I was calling in my employment insurance and when I entered my social insurance number, the automatic message said I had to call back during business hours.  So, of course, that's the first thing I did today.  Well they told me I have been paid my full 15weeks of EI and that I would not be getting any more checks.  I was like are you serious?!  I couldnt freakin believe this.  Here I am freaking broke as hell because of this overexagerated holiday, buying gifts for people who don't even need gifts and just spending money like crazy, and now I'm not getting paid anymore.  No one even told me this.  I thought I would be getting a year's pay on EI, then my long term disability would kick in after that.  So that sucked.  I go outside with Charly, check the mail and there is something from Manulife (my benefit provider) open it up, and its this letter saying they cannot yet make a decision on if I can get loong term disability yet because they still need info from my doctors.  With this letter was another long questionnaire I had to fill out with the most ridiculously stupid questions you can even image.  What are your interests, do you like to read, what king of things do you like to read, do you take naps, if so how long, why and what part of the day do you take naps in?  I was so pissed.  I honestly felt like being such a bitch and filling it out like, yeah I like to read all the time, my favorite stuff to read is porn.  I was just so ticked off man.  My day just kept getting worse and worse today, but I don't feel like typing anymore so I'm outta here>

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It has been awhile, I really don't have anything new to say but I am just bored and figured I should update this thing.  As you'll notice I refuse to call it a "diary."

Anyways I really don't have anything to say.....Wes is doing the Atkins diet right now and so far it's going so well for him...he has lost almost 20pounds already and its only been two weeks.  I am so proud of him!  I could never do that diet though, I'd seriously die I swear.  All I eat is carbs.  I'm surprised I'm not overweight, and all my life my mom has always said, "you better watch out Jen, your gonna gain weight when your older because of how you eat now, " so far that hasn't happened.

This weekend was boring, didn't do much.  Friday night we were just sitting on the couch and I said "you should call Dave to see if they got a baby yet"  Dave is Wesley's brother and him and his girlfriend (Angela) have been waiting to get a foster child for months now.  It was kinda funny cause he called and they told him they just got two girls that afternoon.  As soon as we heard that we were on our way.  They got a 7yr old and a 9yr old (sisters.)  The little one, Desiree, was incredibly hyper that night.  This was a last minute decision made by children's aid...CS went to the school and grabbed these girls because they had bruises all over there faces....well the younger one did anyways.  So Dave and Ange didn't really know anything about them, other than Desiree had visible bruises on her face and she had to take Ridalin.  We were all sitting around the table that night and saying to each other that she probably didnt need to be on these pills, she was just being a kid, just a little hyper, nothing crazy.  The next day, we all went to a hockey game and she was out of control.  So hyper I couldnt believe it.  She had been screaming at the players the entire game and finally Angela said "one more time and we are leaving..I promise"  Of course little Desiree yelled again, so they packed up there stuff and started to leave.  Desiree kicked and screamed the entire way to the car, and when they got home she ran to her room, to the corner of her room, and started crying and asked Dave if he was gonna beat her.  Because that is what she is used to.  Oh my god, it is so sad I tell you.  We phoned there house this morning, and Ange talked to Wes on the phone for about an hour.  Late last night 4:00am actually the oldest, Destiny, had some kind of asthma attack -the social workers and children's aid did not even tell Dave or Ange that she had asthma- so by 7:00 they were at the clinic...you know stupid walk in clinic doctors -assholes- he was practically telling Ange off, saying that this kid is not supposed to be giving herself the pump and Angela had to buy her 3pumps..Out of her own money, because obviously these kids do not have drug plans.  When they got back home, the social worker was there and they found out quite a bit more about the girls.  Desiree, has ADHD....and she is pshcitcophrenic...can you believe that 7 years old and having to deal with these problems.  She is pshycotic because of all the trauma she has suffered from her bastard of a dad.  These two girls have never once in there lives celebrated a birthday....don't know how to act in public places, because they are so used to being alone and have gotten beaten beyond belief pretty much every time they acted up.  I feel so bad for them....so bad.  The reason why they took the girls was because it was a last minute decision and Ange said if she ever got sisters or brothers she would never seperate them.  Well, they don't know whats gonna happen,,,they'll find out more tomorrow I guess, but they know for a fact that they are not keeping Desiree....if these girls don't go back to there father (he goes to court tomorrow to see what happens) they will keep Destiny, but Desiree will be going to get some 24/7 professional help.  It is sad that they might be seperated, but the youngest really needs help and the oldest really needs to be a kid.....they also found out that she is the "mother" of the house.....taking care of Desiree....making breakfast...imagine a 9 year old over the stove cooking eggs.  It really is a crazy world out there.

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Bored<>Bored<>Bored

I am seriously sick of doing nothing every weekend of my life.  I can't handle this anymore.  Tonight, we did nothing last weekend we did nothing, same with the weekend before that and the one before that too.  Man...this sucks.  I know its winter, and thats one of the reasons no one does anything another is the money issue....and I am there totally because I have an entire $3 to my damn name, but I just need to get out and party or something.  I am at the point that I really don't even care that I have no money, I just need to do something to keep me sane, I swear!  It's be so long since I've had a good time...the last fun thing I remember doing was talking to my cousin Melissa on the phone tonight and wishing I was at her house drinking with her.  Oh well, there is always tomorrow I guess, but I always say that and nothing ever happens.  For the people who happen to be reading this, I no its extremely boring and just listening to me complain about nothing would probably make you want to stop reading it as soon as I wrote Bored at the top of the page, but I just can't help it right now.  I am also sick of talking about being sick.  God I wish I could say I was healthy man!  I find everywhere you go someone is always talking about some doctors appt, or some kind of med they are taking (and I'm not talking about this place people because this is why we are here) I'm just talking about everywhere I go I hear people complaining about illnesses.  Why the hell  is this world so evil? Why?

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There are good things and bad things about living were I do.  The bad thing is what I'm gonna write about right now.  It really bothers me and I swear one day I'm gonna have to call someone about it, I don't want to be mean but I just can't deal with this every single day.  We share a driveway with our neighbors.  Our neighbors seem pretty cool, we talk to them alot, and they are always saying that me and Wes have to go over one night to play cards and have a few drinks with them.  I guess that would be fine, they are my parents age, but I have learned in this day and age, age ain't nothing but a number.  Anyways, they have an outside dog named Coby.  I love that dog.  The only thing is, is I really feel sorry for him most of the time.  I don't really know what kind of dog he is, but he is huge and he does have fur that I know would keep him warm on the freezing cold nights, which we always have here, practically every night from November until the end of March.  I know a few times last week that they have taken Coby inside for the night, thank god because I feel so sorry for this dog.  He hardly gets any attention at all.  This is what I see anyways.  Sometimes when the neighbors get home, they go right inside practically not even saying Hi to the poor guy and then he cries for hours.  This is the whole problem.  The crying...he barks alot too, but its not half as bad as the crying.  Our houses are old, very old, I think ours was built in the early 60's and it is not insulated good at all, which of course means that we here everything thats going on outside all the time.  If there are people talking in our driveway, I can hear it thru the walls.  So this obvioulsy means I can hear Coby whining and crying every single night of my life.  Just now I let Charly out for a pee, well the dog is crying and just waiting for someone to go see him.  And its like 2 in the morning right now, so everyones sleeping and he will not get any attention until they get home from work tomorrow at like 3 or 4.  I went over there to see what he might be crying for and gave him a cookie.  He was really happy about that because his tail didnt stop wagging for a long time.  And he is not crying anymore either, but the thing is, is he is on a big chain all the time, and he sleeps in his doghouse, but sometimes on these cold nights, the links of the chain freeze up and so it gets smaller, preventing him from being able to get into his house.  This is what happened right now.  So he is sleeping out in the snow.  I don't even think the neighbors are aware of these things!  They obviously have pretty good insulation in there house becuase there have been SO MANY times around 7, 8 or 9pm that the dog is crying and I go look and of course they are all just sitting in there kitchen (right by the front door, right by Coby) completely unaware of the constant crying. It really breaks my heart when I hear him crying like this, and I can't really do anything.  I mean we don't cry for nothing right, so neither do dogs and I just wish they could hear this happening and do something about it!!  I am not the type of person to be the first one to bring this up to the neighbors, like I can't say to them..." you know your dog was crying all night last night, and he couldn't get into his dogshouse because his chain was frozen."  I just feel like I'm being nosy and rude.  I get so mad sometimes that I tell wes I'm gonna call the SPCA or whatever.  I just had to get that out of my system because it really bothers me and I don't know what to do.  The neighbors are leaving for a 3 week trip to Florida at the end of this month....I am SO not looking forward to this trip because the dog will be staying home, their sons will be there, but I don't know how good they are gonna take care of poor Coby.  :(

What do I do??? :( :(

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This freakin disease has really screwed up my life man.  I am in such a bad mood right now.  All I wish for is that I never would have gotten pph and my life was normal.  Because let's face it, no matter how positive some people are, your life is not normal anymore.  I just wish that I was still at work, getting paid, and having a normal 24 yr old's life.  I am so pissed with waiting for Long term disability, I've been waiting since before x-mas for a damn paycheck.  All I want is to erase these last 3 yrs and start over.  I called LTD on Feb 2nd.  They told me to call back on the 12th.  I did.  They told me to call back the next day.  I did.  Then they told me to call back on Monday.  Today is Monday.  I called.  The person who is handling my claim was out of the office at 12:40 when I called, so I left a message.  Then at 2:30 I called back and spoke with someone else, she said that Wendy has been off sick for the last week.  You know what I told them "I have been off sick since May lady!"  So I have to call back tomorrow.  I wonder what they'll tell me then.  I am so pissed off right now I can't even be in here.

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