Take this time sher, go into thought now. Remember what paradise is. It was never a physical place you went to, nor was it a single physical sensation you had. It isnt one thought or one indulgence. So two is your vision. See the paradise with your heart, listen to it with your breath as you inhale take it in, drink in the emotion of beauty. Know the stimulas is here for you to experience on your own level. When you smile, share it with all you can, be generous with your love. Be re-created with anew even when this body lets you down. Feel fresh when this humbling flesh is failing you. Hope is all around you, just let it come inside. It is in your mind the strongest drug you have and the remedy for the ails of all men. Never let it go, never. Give it to those you meet, share it like a drink of cooling water on a parched tongue. Hold out your hand to those you dont know, welcome them for their journey is no different then yours. Remember them when you travel to the place you know as your paradise. Paradise is here in my heart, i remember it now, i know it is here.That secret chamber of my heart holds it close to me. Sometimes hope looks like chocolate to me, and sometimes it is chocolate to me. Love!!!

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Take this time sher, go into thought now. Remember what paradise is. It was never a physical place you went to, nor was it a single physical sensation you had. It isnt one thought or one indulgence. So two is your vision. See the paradise with your heart, listen to it with your breath as you inhale take it in, drink in the emotion of beauty. Know the stimulas is here for you to experience on your own level. When you smile, share it with all you can, be generous with your love. Be re-created with anew even when this body lets you down. Feel fresh when this humbling flesh is failing you. Hope is all around you, just let it come inside. It is in your mind the strongest drug you have and the remedy for the ails of all men. Never let it go, never. Give it to those you meet, share it like a drink of cooling water on a parched tongue. Hold out your hand to those you dont know, welcome them for their journey is no different then yours. Remember them when you travel to the place you know as your paradise. Paradise is here in my heart, i remember it now, i know it is here.That secret chamber of my heart holds it close to me. Sometimes hope looks like chocolate to me, and sometimes it is chocolate to me. Love!!!

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Such a good day i had today. My birthday and i got all the trimmings. Breakfast in bed with such tastie morsels and then i had to sleep some more. Lunch was my fav, a fish sandwich from the fish market where it is so fresh and so yummy. Larry took half day off to treat me like a princess. He also bought some large jumbo shrimps and some lump crab meat. He knows how much i love seafood and shellfish. He also made sure to bring home some clam chowder too. As if this wasnt enough he picked the best chocolate birthday cake with plenty of butter cream icing and lots of roses. Of course a box of my favorite.......Besty Ann Chocolates. I think i better go and rest. This was a great day........not because of the gifts and food but because my son and husband want to make me happy so much and go through such extremes for me. It makes me want to do anything, and i mean ANYTHING to fight and stay alive for them. I have been inspired. I love them and i want to be here to always show them. Goodnight sher. Fuel that love *giggles*

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Hi Sher, so whats new??? Well, take a look and see what you may have missed the first time around. Your sweet son looks at you and says "SMILE mom, it will trick the brain into thinking you feel better" WHAT A GREAT IDEA. YES!!! You can trick the the brain into feeling, sensing even believing that you are feeling better. That smile across your face lifts up your eyes and pulls your cheeks higher and your strained forehead relaxes a bit more. That smile can lift your entire mood and lighten your heart and let you hear the music for the dance of smiles. Smile and feel better. Trick-u-lating that brain, fooling the thoughts and overwhelming yourself into seeing that you are happy, and have so much to be thankful for and then you will see that it wasnt a trick at all but a very skilled and calculating act of changing your point of view. Adapting your mood and redefining your outlook is more then any one could hope to control. Work your magic, now dance to the music and smile...smile...smile. Goodnight smiley.

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The funny thing about being a fighter is you do it without ever thinking sometimes. It's what i know, its how i see things, its the structure of my being. So when Larry tells me that he loves me because i fight so hard, and he sees how hard a time i have, yet i continue fighting, I often look puzzled. Yes! Puzzled. I didnt do anything i thought was a choice, I just did what i knew and what i had to. Why someone would love me just because of this makes me question things even more. I fight because i want things my way, and my way is selfish at times. I want to be able to see the day my son starts college and then see him finish and get married and have kids and get the pay back, which really isnt a bad thing. I want to sit on the beach in the fall when it is quiet and cooler and eat my candy apple. I want to talk about the books i just read and the one i am reading now. I want to see my family and share days with them. I want A LOT.....so i fight a lot. I think i love to fight*smiles* But in a good way. Keep it up and get to bed sher. Night silly girl.

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Oh My dear friend Diary, where have you been? I know i put you down somewhere and lost where you went. OK OK , so you didnt buy that excuse did you, i have just been a lazy sleepy head and havent written. I have been playing scrabble a lot and reading and studying recipes for CHOCOLATE and then more CHOCHOLATE. I find in the games park arena i am pretty darn good at winning, and oh how i love to win. Reading is always something i love to do to learn more stuff. I like reading about other cultures and beliefs. Funny how we all have so many ways of thinking and then some not so different. Take the word MIRACLE, so often used and so little respected. We are so use to advertisements and TV shows telling us what miracle has happened or what extordinary extravaganza of miracle proportion has happened when really it was just something slightly about average and just needed hyped. The same falls true too of people who think by the grace of god they received a miracle when their medicine kicked in and started working and they now feel better. Or when someone comes back from a comma and starts talking and walking , like all humans are suppose to do. So why do i question these as miracles, well, because to me a miracle is something that has NO expicable reason to do what it does and defies the laws of nature along with having a supernatural hand of god acting or intervening. Now all this might sound like something that happens but in reality, we work hard as humans to stay alive and even our sub-conscienous works harder to survive for us. I would rather believe that we honor ourselves and how complex the human body and psyche is to want to work so hard to be alive. For to honor ourselves we in turn honor the powers that made us. You can work to live, and you have to continue working always to stay alive. When the effort is too great then let your powers that be take over and help you and the positive side of nature help you through it. Prayer is positive thinking and will help when you are feeling you cant get through.......but the most powerful of all this is LOVE. Make love the resource you draw on and pronounce it the well you pull up from and share with those around you. Love those who are there for you and those you sometimes wish you could dismiss. Love is the only act that can work a miracle because it sparks from nowhere and works up to a fire and then commands you to act upon it. Act upon your love and when you spend it all you will find you have more then you started with. It wont run out and it will always work the whole of the way through. Boy oh boy did i talk long.....well sher....think of love and life and warmer days. They do happen. Night girlie.

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Well, Valentines day is over and I hear its the one single day most men get so stressed over the most. I find that hard to believe....I mean are we women so hard to please? Are we so critical or judgemental of the effort put forth by our men? Are we so demanding we require only the very best? Or is it the men who want to check ever detail so tediously that they get caught up in the whole thing? I guess men have a hard time showing how they feel and then expressing it to others. Why is that? They are not so much different then us are they? Didnt we raise our sons to be loving and caring? I take such enjoyment in my expression of love and kindness when i show it....why cant they? I suppose they are differnt then me, but i still want them to know, I love them and will show it and need to express it.I love being capable of this, even when i cant do much else at times, I can alway love those who mean everything to me. Yes.....YOU know who you are. Now smile for me. I will try to be less critical, less judgemental, less demanding and certainly less moody......i know......sher you better go get started ....thats some heavy duty work you got there *hehe* They love you anyways and you know they do. I am one very lucky girl. Night sher.

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I think of the times i use to ask, are we there yet , are we there yet , are were there yet and now i just want the ride to calm down. Why didnt i know that the trip going was part of the whole experience. Between here and there a whole lifetime exists. Much like birth to death, i wait to see the road in front of me. Sher, you need to enjoy the ride, the sites, the company now. Smile at yourself for the things you think and laugh at yourself for the mistakes you made. Take the risks with a freedom only you can have. Love with such passion that you would die for. Listen to your heart but dont deny your head a workout. Trust with sincerity because you cannot control what others do and dont take it personally when they fail you. Give the best and set up no excpectations. Now take a deep breath and feel your stomach expand then blow the air out as you exhale and feel your diaphram contract and squeeze the air out. Do it three times now and slowly too.........let it all out, then let something new in. You can only do one thing at time, so be kind to yourself and love constantly. Night sher.

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It's Saturday and Larry has a terrible toothache. How I hate seeing him in pain and so uncomfortable. I want his pain to stop, I cant handle seeing him so dishevled and hurting so much. I want him smiling and comfy. How it effects me is strange, i mean i should be able to handle this. I see his pain and want it to stop. This must be what it feels like to be in his shoes, to watch from the sideline at something you cant do anything about. To be a spectator is no fun, when it comes to watching someone you love hurting. I have a great deal of respect and graditude to the support person who watches from the sideline and feels their hands are tied. I can sit and encourage and try to comfort but when the pain still comes through, there isnt much i can do. How do THEY do it??? Constantly stand by our sides and giving support when we sink to lows. How do they hold our hands when we are gasping for a breath. I think they are stronger then us, because we only have to react and wait and deal with what is handed to us.......but to have the patience and strength to sit there and do whatever to help must be harder then anything i can imagine. Not knowing if what they do will bring the right result or not. It's love, that is why. It's love, the reason i continue. Its love, worth being here for. When i see his smile and know he is ok now, because he has comforted me. That is love, always feel it, let it work. Love remains the answer to my questions. The afternoon is sunny and his pain is ok now and i have some chocolate, it is a good day. I am happy.

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Oh Gawd what a hellish weekend. Larrys sore tooth was beyond just that. He was a screaming banchee with pain. It seemed nothing would work to calm his throbbing pain and no dentist could see him till this Monday morning. I felt so helpless and impotent towards his needs. I didnt know what i could do to ease his problem. I now know, what it feels like to be so utterly frustrated and stricken with need to help someone and not be able to. My hands were tied my heart raced to think of something to say while i held his hand and stroked his cheek. He calmed down a little and every so often let out a low sounding moan. He took some meds and held the heating pad on his cheek. He was taking so much medication that he was sick to his stomach now. What could i do? I kept asking if he felt better then what can i do. He declined with each word. The night was worse as he started throwing up. It lasted for hours and was now 3 Am and still we got no sleep. The snow was making the outside look brighter then usual and it was hard to settle down. He finally came back to bed and seemed wasted and ready to surrender to sleeps arms. He started to dose off now and i could take peace in his whimpers as he lay there with a concerned look as he slept. I tried to sleep but i couldnt, i didnt want to wake him when he made nosies and tossled. I finally drifted off and woke early to Sam saying he had missed his bus. They called for a 2 hour delay so he laid back down and now he was scampering around saying he missed his bus and what should he do. By now Larry was gone to the dentist already and I never even heard him leave. Sam would just have to wait till Larry returned. WAIT....it was only ten to 8AM...the bus wouldnt come till 8:30, Sam had plenty of time to get dressed and even eat breakfast before the bus would come. He was so mixed up he looked at the clock wrong and the 2 hour delay just teases his conscience. He was ok now. Larry was at the dentist getting his root canal worked on and Sam was done eating and got his bus. I turned in my bed and covered my head and fell to sleep. What relief is this that comes when things go back to normal. When time is not demanding of us its impatient attention to act. What pleasure it is to lay in bed and know you are safe and everything will be taken care of. This is how life is, it demands of us to be players and it exhibits some intense darts, but it will take care of itself. Do i suffer the darts and lack of sleep and worry , yes, but it is and always will take care of what needs be. All things have a place and time. Learn to compromise and blend and merge and uphold the love you have. JUST DONT GIVE UP. Get some rest sher, you will sleep like a baby.....goodnight.

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Sheesh what a difference time can make to the weary warriors. Things are back to normal range once again. Larry is ok, Sam is back in school, and I am singing a happy tune. I know it sounds worse then it is....the singing that is. Why does it take me by surprise when things are amiss. I like when things calm down and are managable again. I sit in my little seat and make it work for me. I havent been out of the house in 3 months. I dont go down to the family room, I stay in the livingroom, the bedroom, dining room and sometimes the kitchen. How do i keep myself amused and not go stir crazy you ask. Its all relative. I remember back to the time i was in ICU for 82 days and how each day was each 24 hours long, I know, i watched eat minute go by. The first month i dont remember, the rest just felt long. I then went to the regular 7th floor rooms and spent 3 months in there. I was in the hospital a long time. I watched as summer became fall and then winter was on me. So spending a few hours on the comfortable sofa of my own home is quite a luxery to me. I sleep in my own bed and love it. You see, when you know things were not always so good you appreciate them even more. Smile, you are here and things are good. You can be happy you are loved and even the house likes when you are here. *giggles* goodnight sher. Sleep well in your bed. Think of those you love so much. nite

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There is a certain feeling you get when the phone rings at 11:00 AM on a Sunday morning and you know it wasnt expected. LArry answers the phone, his remarks are short and focused." A-huh, yes, she is well, so you think you have one, ok, about 4 hours to drive.....ok we will be waiting" Those words i have even said a few times. So now he places the receiver back and as calmly as he can tell me, he says sher, start getting ready, it looks like they just might have a lung for you . So i look into these eyes that i have looked into a million times and i try to hide my concerns. At that moment, i wanted to pull the covers back up over my head and pretend i wasnt home. WHO SHER??? She is on vacation, shes out to lunch, she justr doesnt live her anymore. I know that this is just my gut reaction fo fear and being overwhelmed with all i must manage. I proceeded to get ready, getting into the shower and getting dressed and remembering that this may the last shower for some time. I take off my jewlery and get my stuff together. Larry said she would call back and further instruct us as to what to do. How i hate this stomach churning and tears infusing time. Seems it just is a dream yet i walk about. Well, it was a false alarm and now i had the reast of the day to get back into sorts. Well, 12 hours later and i am now sad and depressed and wasted and weak. I shake and have no appetite and my head feels stuffed with balloons all wanting to be popped. I am coming down now, i am re-adjusting to my life. When did i begin to settle for this life? When did i stop wanting more out of life? When did i compromise so much and settle for less then most have and take for granted? Quaility of life has always been an issue for me, so how do i accept this form of being as mine. Somewhere at some time i decided to stay alive was everything to me. Even if it meant to stay in a home for months on end with little to do but sit and type, and i became a burden of sorts to those around me. Do i like this life? Can i stay this way? Its not a question that is easy to answer now, when i am weak and sad and perhaps a bit lost. So i come here and i talk and watch the words tell me how my emotions are pouring forth. I read what i write and i see how it pangs me to be in this body. Then.......just when i want to die.......i cannot. I just cannot. Do i want to ....maybe. I mean its natural to want things to end at some point. Do i let this emotion filter in.....yes i let it. Do i let the fear stay there to haunt me. NO. It is normal to feel these things. To cry for hours, it is natural to feel so damn let down you shake. This is life. I feel it,,,i want it and i wont give it away. So now, i need to rebuild. Gather my senses, re-enforce my walls, maximize my shield and feed my troop. Nuture my heart with care and love and even pamper it, give my spirit reasons for floating, look at those i have fighting with me and appreciate them, and give thanks for beauty and love that i have known. Take time, surround yourself with smiles, chocolate is a smile, a funny movie is a smile, a candle is a smile, a touch of love is a smile, a good book is a smile, a word and thought passed on is a smile. Sher, tell yourself the things you need to hear and give yourself the love you know you need for you will let this get you through the fear and it will give you hope. Then look at Larry and smile at Sam and know you are not alone. They will hold your hand and see you are safe. It was just ONE day. Let it go. Just let this day go. Goodnight sher. Smile tomorrow.

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Well dear diary, it is two days later and the weights on my shoulders is lifting. I feel it rise as my spirit takes wing. I feel the change in me and welcome the difference. My passion is here and it is kickig and screaming, as should be. I delight in the sun and see the rains cleansing my thoughts. I wash my mind from where i was and now gaze the adventure from here. I see the buds of new life coming soon. I see the flight of birds ready to make their homes. The ground so dull and tired now awaits its calling. For with every season the return of a new life, a new chance, a new vision. So too, must i have this. I plant my ideas so long ago, but now is time to watch and see, if they have rooted. The time will come soon, its just around the corner. I feel it, i just know it. I smile for it. I love it all. Night sher.

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It was big and brown and looked alien to me. It smelt odd and wiggles. I shook just looking at it, i couldnt just eat this hunk O meat. It was dinner and it was ugly.....the meatloaf from hell *giggles* I wanted to eat something but i just couldnt put this in my mouth. Ok...maybe i am over-reacting, but it sure was different. I mean, Larry tries to cook and he makes some things that are absolutely grand....but not meatloaf. So we laughed and killed that hunk O meat and had a great dessert. I guess you win some ad you lose some........so i hope he loses that meatloaf soon. *giggles* The day was good i did things to make me smile.This is why i wake up each day. You never know what came happen that is fun and scarry as well. *L*Ok enough for tonight. Pepcid for tonight. HE HE. Night sher.

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looking out the window, i see time pass me by. seeing the changes and wondering why. Look towards the sky they say, watch a flying bird. That is your hope my dear, now listen to this word. Pay attention to them, care for them always. Today a dream but tomorrow a hope. Grant the wish to help me cope. Stay alert, yet stay rested. Less stress worries digested. Pass along what good you share. Knowing well that they all care. Now look at the face you see in the mirror. Tell it you have come so far. Give the love, you always hoped to get, and hold the dream, the hope and that girl you are. Forever love. Now raise your eyes up. See the day. Send the thoughts of love to those you may. We are here so shortly, we have little to show. But the love we shared and those we know. Come to my window. Watch the sky. I will be there someday. Even as i die. I will love you forever, even when i dont remain. I will be. .......................its just how i feel sometimes.

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REDEMPTION DAY AT LAST!!! Larry made up for the meatloaf tonight......we had the St Patty's day feast to put away all others. Corned beef with a rich sweet mustard glaze and carmelized onions with cabbage in noodles. This was the most impressive of meals Larry has ever done. And in season too *giggles* I mean it wasnt green or anything ( like that meatloaf made ya feel) but it was such an epicurian's delight that i was smiling from tummy to teeth. Another piece please. This was something to write about and something to remember. It was the first time he has ever tried making this and to come out so perfectly just shows he is a great guy. He has always had many talents, but his shyness sometime keeps them hidden. Larry loves to know he is pleasing me, this is why i try so hard to keep breathing. I will just have to keep on trying because its a good thing. So was the corned beef. Night sher. Now sleep well even when the nights seem hard to sleep all the way through. I cant have everything i want. I do want so much more.

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It's the nights that wrench my stomach with darkness. Its this time of night when i remember things. Its so hard to think when your mind feels overwhelmed. Yet to surrender to the darkness is less then what i have planned. It swallows you up all at once sometimes and other times it nibbles away at you with increasing feelings of losing yourself little by little. I start to question how much the mind can take when anxious and overwhelmed and the panic attacks dance all over me. You hold on, you place one step in front of the other. You hold onto to some thing, maybe only a shadow of what was. You dare not close your eyes because then you really see whats in your head and you cant worry about that now. So you watch and wait. Slowly waiting for the time you sink into sleep. You wait till you feel your eyes drift close. You wait till you are barely there and then you realize you are watching yourself. Waiting to see, what will happen to me. You wait. Shhhhhh, be quiet now. There is someone out there who knows you and feels like you. They are waiting too. Waiting with you. The night is the hardest to get through. I will wait for the sun to come. Goodnight sher, sit watch with me.

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When a man of respect and honor speaks to you, you listen. When this man tells you that you face a situation of life and death, you listen. When you let it touch you, it is then you have two emotions to draw from. That of fear and of love. The love you have for life and all living experiences and then the fear of losing this experience. Hold onto this love, let it ward off the feeling of fear. Trust that love is a greater good and a greater root inside you. Count on this love to be there to be the well you draw from. Know in your being that love is why you exist. Love is your soul and you need to experience it constantly. For love is nothing if not in use. It isnt a noun but a verb, such is love and such is God. Love is what you are here for. Love is your purpose, nothing else will matter in life until you learn to love instead of fear. Fot where there is love, fear cannot invade you. The opposite of fear is love and love is what you seek. Use it within and out. Experience love for it will keep you alive. Live to love. This is your key sher, take it, use it, be it. Goodnight sher.

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Why do i constantly seek that ultimate golden ring "Perfection". I was thinking. (scary thought huh) It is something of which we seek and want to obtain. I use to think that perfection wasn't obtainable, but i have changed my mind on this. I thin perfection DOES i fact exist. It is just the human being which is imperfect and cannot in totality comprehend what perfection is. We in out limited abilities cannot fully and wholly experience what perfection is. It IS out there. When a sun rises, when a sun sets, when the beach is warm and breezy and the roar is methodical and the smells of the sea air are all together in sync, this is perfection. Like the split second a musician and instrument with music and ambiance done with such inspiration and awe plays his instrument and you glimpse that split second with it profoundly effects you and you are in such awe all you can do is let the tear roll down your cheek. When a baby looks up at you and with his entire being he smile with such love that you know this is a second you are in that is perfection. We seek perfection because we inherently know it does exist but we only glimpse second of it. Yet we do glimpse it. It is there, we just have to let it in when we experience such beauty and marvel. It isn't the world that is imperfect after all, it is the human who is. Look at the world with eyes that see these moments of perfection and appreciate them for all they are. You alone can know them. I seek these moments and found one today. Thanks you.

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Ok i am excited, Sam got a silver medal at the science olympics and he is so happy. He is the only one from his school to get the silver. He wanted to get the gold but time ran out for him. Now this is a special thing because this was a project for the gifted kids in the gifted programs. Sam isnt even in that program but has all AP (advances program) classes. So the group a few weeks ago asked Sam if he would come and help out with the group. Sam is a nice kid and said yes he would help. SO he ends up doing the project great and winning a medal on another project he did. I am just so happy for him. These are the things that bring me to smiles all over.To know that its all about smiles and looking for the pieces of life that give you a good feeling inside. Sam gives me a great feeling. He is a my gift. I am so happy. This is my fuel to life. See me smile. Goodnight sher.

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I guess others would like to know how you are faring sher, so lets tell them. Its hard to do just about anything. It's been 8 years since you were diagnosed with PPH. You have had Flolan for 2 years and then you had a heart arrest and shortly after were transplanted with bi-lateral lungs. Complications with surgery and medications gave me a rough start. Suffering with rejection of sorts i lost lung function fast. After all i was in a coma for a month. Now after 5 years in July it will be six, i need a second transplant. Being i am so questionable as far as even surviving the operation, they will do a single lung now to restore some normal life again. I am now on 6 liters of O2 constantly and do breathing treatments daily. I am very fragile in this state and cannot do much. Standing is even hard to do for a long enough time. I walk but only to the bathroom and that gets me to huffing and puffin. I dont go out because it is just so hard to walk and function. I am weary too of catching any germs now. I have been called for the transplant a few times all without any possitive outcome. Each day i need it more. I have been waiting for 3 years now. Getting a second transplant is hard both for the surgeons and for me. They dont like to do them. I am lucky they even considered me. This is not the norm. I want it dont and over with but i also want life to be good. It is all a risk, but one i must take. I am optimistic but realistic as well. I just hope to smile again after all this. To come here and tell you how it was. Oh and share my new found chocolate too.*giggles* Life is beautiful no matter how you serve it. Thanks for listening. Till tomorrow.

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I was called today and it was the same type of emotion that runs through me. I was hesitant to get worked up this time. It was a double lung that if one lung wasnt good i would be second up for the right one. Well, as you see me here tonight, it was a false alarm again. Now, i have plans this weekend to go to the support group meeting and wouldnt you know it, i am feeling wasted again from this emotional roller coaster ride today. I will see what tomorrow brings me. I may recoup in time to go. I dont ask why me........i say......this is all part of life. It's what makes life the every changing, demanding often surprising gift we all share. I feel happy, i am loved and i love back. I have my thoughts and they work for me. I have my sons and they make me smiles deep. I have passion and it serves me in ways my life couldnt ever be without. I have chocolate and long dark soft hair and curves and images in my mind, i have so much. I thanks the powers that be that i am able to enjoy these things. I read so much, i taste the sweet wine, i feel the shower's hot water beat on me, i feel the words pour out of fingers tips as i type and i know that i am so funny to me. I laugh because i am offered an apple when i am hungry, i am happy that i am touching those who wish me to touch them. I love so opening, i want to be in love forever. I am in love forever. I argue with my words slinging them over my head, yet i laugh at how it all is so simple when you love so much. I think of the beach and the sand between my toes and the sun flirting with my shadow. I flirt righ back. I am sher and there is no other and i love her as well.......she is the one who deal with all. You have to love who you are before you can ever love others. I am still learning, there is so much to learn. I need more time. I pray i get more time......goodnight sher.

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APRIL 12, 1 AM settling down to go to bed. The phone rings.......you know in your gut that this could be the call, like so many calls before, i prepare my thoughts and watch the response of Larry to the phone call. He says yes, he gives a time frame of arrival and then he listens. It's a call, THE CALL. Actors take your marks, everyone in place, unlike dress rehersal you have to think this is the one that will follow through with all actors playing their parts,they did. A long ride to Baltimore and haze and fog did not make it any easier. I don't remember most of the ride only that i got there at 5:30 AM and i was tired. Larry was exhausted and Sam was trying to stay calm and smile for me. He inspires me with all he does. Larry guides me and gives me strength with his every touch and word. I know that this looks positive and it will be left in the hands of those i trust and believe in. I have prayers being said and hopes being laid out. I am tired and it wasn't long to be under and on my way. The operation was easier then expected for a re-do. The whole thing was about 4-1/2 hours long. I remember waking up and being wheeled to recovery and I saw Larry and Sam but i dont recall what was said.I was on my way now. I was transplanted and all systems were go. I was happy....i am alive. DAYS to follow to be continued. I am still weak and get tired so thats why the shorter post. Talk to you tomorrow sher...gather your strength and eat some chocolate. Some things never change hehe. Life is wonderful. I am so happy.

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Dr Conte worked his best to give me the best opportunity to breathe again and he did an excellent job. There is a reason why doctors have courage and egos because they have to trod where others wouldnt go. I am so fortunate to have doctors who both took on my case and then saw it through for me. Dr Orens and Dr Conte both made it a mission to give me the BEST chance to be normal again and they did it thus far.There is also a reason why Johns Hopkins is rated the BEST hospital in the USA if not the world, I have learned this first hand. I am breathing easier and although i am still on minimal O2, that is temporary till my lungs build up. I am still weak but i am not so weak from lack of oxygen. I love being able to inhale and actually doing just that. I also feel your attitude has a lot to do with how you face this drama and how you react to those you are in it with. Show those you love them and appreciate what others do for you.Thank those who are there to help you and ask for help when you need it. I know thats hard for me but i also know i cannot do it all on my own. I have so much to be thankful of and soooooo many to thank.The next thing i remembered was feeling a tube in throat and wanting to get it out.Some things you have to just endure the best way you can. I waited 3 years to get to this point, i needed to deal with with the ventilator the best way i could. For me this was hardest part. I wanted to be a star patient because my doctors were my heros they deserved a patient willing to work hard with them now. to be continued........yep, i get tired.Besides its a chocolate break hehe

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It was a month exactly from todays date that i received my transplant. It was both exciting and frightening and I didnt know what to expect without thinking of how the first transplant turned out. So i tried not to think in those in terms. I was open for a change and what a change it was. I was semi-coherent coming out of the recovery room and I do remember being wheeled down the hall to the ICU. I then recall the following day and having the tube in my throat. This was my greatest fear and anxiety. I knew i had to endure this to get pass the machine. I was coming along rather well but it was a slow going and I was so weak going into the operation that my lungs needed extra time to get stronger to breathe on their own. Even now they are still not up to their full potential. I was listened to all my doctors and did whatever they required. I smiled and wanted to excell because it makes them see how happy i am for this chance and it also shows my family how much i love them to fight so hard for this chance. You just do what you have/need to do. YOu can do it with a frown and then you can take on the task and do it with a smile and as a challenge to do it better. My doctors were happy with me and even called me their star patient. I needed to hear that. Over achiever.....maybe....but its what makes a difference to me. I remember how hard it was to go on day to day with thinking i would get the ventilator removed and still it would stay in my throat. My throat was in such pain and i needed a lot of pain meds to comfort me. It was when they gave me a pump to administer my own pain relief that i felt i got some control back. This made a big difference to me,being a control freak as i am. Now i could give myself the pain control and it helped me so much. They even found that patients who adminsiter pain relief often give themselves less then if they would just have someone give it to them. I followed all their instructions, with weaning and strengthening my lungs and after 10 days i was completely weaned off the machine. What a relief it was to have the tube taken out and feel my throat open and free from that tube. I was now so happy and could walk more freely and didnt cough so much now.I was doing PT and getting out of bed for longer times now. Sometimes all day I would stay up and in my chair.I was truely on the road to recovery. I felt so pleased.Now the objective was to get out of ICU and into a regular room......its next to being out of the hospital......the ultimate goal is home. I want to get home for sam's graduation......which is June 1st. I am making a wish.......so if my fairy godmom is out there somewhere.........pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.......i promise to be a good girl*he he* well......as good as sher can be.....no chocolate excluded please *he he*Sher you are such a nut.....covered in chocolate.Night sher

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