Diary Index

Patient Diary -- Teresa K Mercer

Monday, January 15, 2001 

I am Teresa K Mercer, but in the computer world, some just call me TK or tk. I live in Amarillo, TX and just turned 50, Nov 24, 2000. I was diagnosed with PH in July of 2000. (I will later tell you about the dx of PH) I have lived in Skellytown, TX; Pampa, TX; Canyon, TX; Sherman, TX; Colorado Springs, CO; Amarillo; Cupertino, CA and back to Amarillo. I have been here for the last 16 years.

I know my diary is supposed to be mainly about me, but without including others, I can't very well tell you who I truly am. I am a mother of 3 children. Here are their stories: _________________________

Kim, my daughter is 30 years old and is truly lost right now. She is totally consumed by drugs. She sold meth to an undercover cop. She is on 8 yrs preferred adjudicated probation. They went really easy on her. She, at this time, is somewhere unknown. Her probation officer called me about 6 weeks ago and told me Kim had missed several of her visits and had a dirty drug screen. I know she is running with the same crowd she was running with before she got arrested. Her one and only friend that I couod always count on to help get messages to Kim, is now not returning my calls. I'm sure Kim told her not to call me, no matter what. (I called the police and turned her in one time, but I was scared for the kids, and I was fearful that her life was in danger. It was believed throughout the drug community that Kim had snitched on some of them, as they were arrested and sent to prison. It was rumored that there was a price on Kim's head. I wanted to get the children out of that situation and to get Kim in jail, where I felt she would at least be safe.) Those she is running with are all either ex-cons or others on probation.

I tried to help her when she received her sentence. I told her she could stay with me, but she was going to have to walk the line. It took about 2 weeks. The only thing she was doing right was obeying her curfew (11:00 pm). She was told last Feb she had 'til May 2001 to get her GED (no attempt on her part to even start). She was told to get a job (I think she did have one working as a maid at a hotel-don't think that lasted long.) I know for a fact she was drinking, and now I know for sure that she went right back to her old drug habits.

Kim's fiance committed suicide when she was 19 and she found him. He was a wonderful young man. That is when she started going astray.

I really wanted to help her. It was a chance for a new beginning. I wanted to get her back involved in church where she could make new friends. Kim is a beautiful girl. 5'6", only weighs about 110. (Good indication of drugs) She has long, flowing blond hair down almost to her waist. She would have made a wonderful model. She even has the walk of a model. Unfortunately, she chose the career of an exotic dancer.

Her heart is the size of Texas. She loves her baby brothers so very much and is so proud of them. They, too, love her. She is like another mother to them. She was 8 when Michael was born. With me on the farm, and having to help so much there, then having the house to run; cooking 2 big meals a day; cleaning house; the lawn; the garden, canning lots and lots of vegetables for the winter, etc.

Kim is the one who taught the boys how to read. They both read before they went to school. She taught them to swim by the time they were 2 and 3 (we had a 3 ft deep horse tank in our back yard that was about 15 ft in diameter. We put a pool pump on it, with chlorine and even a cover to help keep the water warm over night) Without Kim, I don't think the boys would have done as well in school as they did.

I have 3 beautiful grandchildren, the oldest, Stormi (10) lives with Kim's daddy, which I helped him get total custody of, so we could get her as far away from Kim and her daddy, as possible (down in the Odessa area). Then her other two, Tabbatha (7) and Gage (6) have a different father, and they live with their father's parents in Kansas. I never get to see Tabby or Gage, but I do get to see Stormi every summer when they go on vacation. Stormi's grandaddy (she calls him dad) was my first husband, and we both are still very good friends. Email each other at least once every week or so. Stormi and I email each other. She has a future! I'm afraid little Tabby and Gage are gonna end up on the same road as Kim and their daddy, Benny. Where they are, they have aunts and uncles that follow the same path as Kim and Benny did. It breaks my heart.

Kim has a bad heart. When she was only 19, she got pregnant and had to be admitted to CCU due to her heart. I can't remember what they called her condition, but her heart gets to racing (180 bpm). They have had to use paddles on her once to get her heart back in sinc. She controls it now when it starts racing, by laying on her back, drawing up her knees, and pushing like she is giving birth. The last dr told her to do that and it works. I have actually been with her several times when her heart started acting up, and you could see her shirt moving due to her heart pounding so hard.

So, all these drugs certainly aren't good news. I've tried to warn her little brothers that there may come a time, sooner than we want, that she may no longer be with us. I just wonder if she doesn't have PH, as well. I know she has FMS. She has all the classic symptoms.

I have two sons, Michael, 22 and Mark, 21. Michael is in his last semester at Texas Tech and will have a degree in Finance. He is hoping to find something up in Denver, as he has several friends there. Mark, is in his Jr yr at Texas A&M. He will have another year and a half after this Spring semester. His major is Structural Engineering, and he then plans to join the Navy and go to Officer Candidate Training School. He is still going through testing for it. He did his physical test by running a mile and a half, push ups, and sits ups. He said he made their range, but it sure was hard. He said if he could have taken it right out of high school, no sweat! He played football and ran track. He wants to get his masters in Civil Engineering and Management. The Navy, if he makes it, will pay him I think he said $1,500 a month until he graduates. He graduated from hi school in the top 1% of the USA. He is seriously thinking about making the Navy a career. Really surprised me. He had never talked to me about it. But, I will be proud of him, no matter what he does.

I am very proud of both boys. Michael is 6'3" and weighs about 170 lbs. Very slender. Michael was right up there with Mark. He was in the top 5%, graduated 3rd in his class, was voted Student of the Year by the Daughter's of the American Revolution, was president of his class all four years, in the National Honor Society, was football captain his senior year, ran track, and was one of the managers for the basketball team his sr yr. He was Homecoming King his sr year, was secretary of the Student Body his sr year, voted the cutest, most fun, and band's Biggest Goof Off all four yrs, and he was very proud of that one. LOL He sat second chair trumpet his sr yr. His biggest honor for him was winning the Elk's Fighting Heart Award. Class of 97. He had many other accomplishments. As you can see I am very proud of him!!!

Mark is 6'0" and weighs about 210 lbs. He looks like a football player. He graduated in his class as Salutatorian with a grade point average of 99.8 (the Valedictorian. had 100.2 average)! He, too, was class president all four yrs, student body vice-president his sr year, Band president his sr yr., involved with the Christian Athletic group, was in National Honor Society, football captain sr yr, and was the only guy in his sr class who ran track. He, too, was Homecoming King, Fall Festival King, was an awesome drummer in the band. He was voted most likely to succeed, best Gentleman, and he too is most proud of the Elk Fighting Heart Award. He received the Presidential Scholarship from Texas Tech, but he turned it down because he already had his heart set on A&M. He received the Don and Sybil Harrington Cancer Society Scholarship as well as the Amarillo Globe News Scholarship. Class of 98. See my Pride!

As a band, football, track mother, I was kept extremely busy. I didn't miss very many events, even the proms. I went to the basketball games because all the boys friends played, and they were like sons to me. It was a lot of fun for me until the Spring semester of Michael's year, as that is when the FMS started letting me know what it was.

I wasn't dx until Aug, just as school was starting for Mark's SR year. His sr year was very hard on me, but I made it. I didn't want to miss anything. I was, in fact, lucky that the Lord blessed me with good enough health to keep up with the boys active lives, almost all the way through their high school years. Praise God!!!

They had band banquets, sports banquets, honors banquets, then concerts with the band; football games; track meets; basketball games; plays; parades; marching contest; concert contest; UIL competition in number sense-scinece-debate. It was a busy, and very happy time for me. I think that is one of the reasons I am so extra lonely now. Not only did I lose the boys, their friends, but Bill left at about the same time. (He was tired of taking care of "sick people"! His first wife had MS). So, I just went into shock. A FULL house--to nothing. I had been extremely depressed until July 19, 2000. (that is another story, as I know I will add it to my diary, later)

Both boys have surpassed everything I ever would have dreamed for them. They both are wonderful young men. Almost on the old fashioned side, as they say "yes, sir and yes mam," they both hold the door for their girlfriend and anyone older than they are. In fact, nearly all of the guys they graduated from high school with are pretty much like that. I feel, that their schools policies are a big part of their social graciousness. Their dress code was almost exactly what ours was when I was in high school, except the girls were allowed to wear jeans or slacks. No shorts, no shirts un-tucked unless square bottomed, dresses had to touch the floor if we got on our knees (well, come to think of it, I'm sure they let the girls wear shorter skirts.) But, all-in-all, their school was a major influence on their life, and I feel, their future. Their school, as well as all the others in their division, still said prayer before each football game and basketball game. They honored the "Meet You at the Flag Pole" day. I am very proud of their school.

Well, I am sorry to have gone into so much detail, but you are lucky, I didn't tell you about their baby years. LOLOL _________________________

I feel you need to know the foundation of my life. My foundation is the Lord, Christ Jesus, and my kids are the framework, my grandchildren are the added "special" features such as; crystal chandaliers; brass light switch covers; and the beautiful wallpaper.

Signed by a proud, and sad, exhausted parent; a fearful and loving grandmother; and a dedicated Christian to the Lord for what He has done in my life.

TK Teresa ><>

JEREMIAH 33:6 Behold, I will bring it health and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth.

Saturday, March 31, 2001 

I am not going to submit, but bare minimum facts, as I see the site is going to be moved. I don't know if it has been done yet.

My name is Teresa. I am 50 yrs old and live alone. I was dx with PPH in July of 2000. Ater my husband divorced me due to me being sick (and changing his wishes of traveling a lot after his retirement) I lost all my insurance and have been going to a clinic here in Amarillo for the poor. (Never thought I'd have to say that about myself). Therefore, without insurance, I have had no real treatment for PH. I am on Coumadine since July because the reason I ended up in the hosp was from Pulmonary Embolus. It was during that hosp stay that they dx the PPH.

I feel that my life is just slipping away slowly. I can certainly tell the difference in how I feel today from how I felt at this time last year.

Well, enough until I know that this is the correct place to post. God bless us, each and every one! With love, Teresa n Texas ><>

Saturday, March 31, 2001 

Well, it seems I have already made posts here. How embarrassing! My memory is horrible, as you can well see. I appologize for my mistakes! Love, Teresa ><>

Sunday, September 02, 2001 

I have written in here maybe once or twice. Don't really know why I haven't come back. Can't remember what I wrote about. Guess it would be good to go back and read them, hummmm.

I was reading some of my letters I have witten to my boys over the last couple of years. This is one that I wrote to Michael, my oldest, almost 23 now. He just graduated from Texas Tech University in May. His degree is in Finance. My letter mainly consists of my realizations about myself, and I felt I needed to share them with him.

This is the letter:

Dearest Michael,

Sorry I haven't emailed you in quite awhile. It certainly is not because I don't think of you. With all my reminders of you kids all over my house, you seldom leave my thoughts! I am so proud to have you in my life. I cannot believe that you are already graduating college! (I know; it seems forever for you! LOL) Bet you are glad you didn't stay out that semester. But, guess what! It wasn't your decision! It was God's. I know; this revelation came to you at a strange time and place, but God is with us at ALL times. He is the One who sparked your realization that missing a semester just wouldn't fit into your life. I know the man you were working with (sorry, can't remember his name) swayed you to go back. But, God was using him as an instrument to get your attention!

I guess I am going to have to start shopping for a new dress, maybe even some shoes! I will be easy to spot at your graduation because I will be the one radiating with a glow and a very big smile on my face.

I don't really ever have any news. Kinda boring! Poor Zachh! But this evening I was watching tv (oh, I got cable back if you didn't know) and came across "Turner and Hooch." It had only been on about 20 minutes. I hadn't seen it in quite a long time, and you know how my memory is. LOL I laughed so hard at Tom Hanks; the way he kept talking to Hooch as if he were a person. It certainly reminded me of how I talk to Zacch. I knew Hooch was going to die; I told myself early on that this time I wouldn't cry...

I watched "Old Yeller" the other night, and I remembered it pretty good, because I have seen it so many times from youth to present. But, again, when it got to him having to shoot Yeller, well, you know what happened... At least both movies have a happy ending with the lineage of Hooch and Yeller being carried on by their sons.

I was thinking tonight about how when I was so depressed all I could focus on was all the negative things in my past, and talking about what a failure I had been. It is amazing how depression (more likely the devil) can cloud over all the wonderful things you have accomplished. Such as; overcoming being so very shy during the summer after my 6th grade year. That was a great accomplishment! I went from a pleasingly plump little girl to a very trim young lady in a matter of 3 summer months with Nanaw and Grandaddy. I was a wonderful twirler! I played the clarinet pretty darn good, too. I was first alternate to the All-State band on E-flat clarinet. Can't brag about my grades, but I did pass in the top half of our class of 352. Then I made twirler possition at WTSU in Canyon. I think all-in-all I was a pretty good daughter, sister and friend.

Kim came along, and she was so beautiful. I think I was a good mother. Not a great mother; nor wonderful, just good, but a lot of children don't even have that. She was born with learning disabilities. That was not her fault or mine. Back then they didn't know about such things. Stormi is doing so good now that she has her medication. Kim could have had that, and she probably wouldn't be in the position she is now in. I know she knows that I love her with all my heart. That is called unconditional love! No matter what someone does, or thinks will change your feelings for them. There is no condition they have to meet to receive your love. I'm sure she knows that! That is a blessing for me!

Then I became a great farm wife. I loved the farm. I loved gardening, canning, going out and helping your dad, being with Ludell; I loved everything about farm life! And, I was good at it. I know that!

Then you boys came along! Wow! That certainly changed our lives. LOL We had so much trouble getting you here and then, bang, we had two. What a true blessing from God! I know that I was a good mother to you boys, and without Kim, I couldn't have done all that I did. She was so good to help me. Back then I had a lot of energy! LOL

Unfortunately, depression (the devil) slipped in some how. Your dad and I had such a rocky marriage, but we had a lot of very wonderful times, too. I still think of them and always smile when I do. It is funny! NOT! But, when someone dies, when you remember them, most of any negative memories fade away, and you remember the good! What a blessing! With depression, all you remember is the negative, and all the good is hidden by dark clouds.

Now, with the depression gone, I hardly ever think of the negative. They just aren't important enough to occupy my mind. When I look back over my life, I realize how much I have been blessed!

God gave me lots of wonderful talents! Twirling, the gift-of-gab, cooking, gardening, entertaining, teaching, crocheting, counted cross stitch; He richly blessed me in anything artistic or crafty. I don't want to sound like I am bragging, but, "when you got it, flaunt it." LOL

No, really, it is important for all of us to realize that we have truly made a mark on the world. It is like what Pastor Tim told me once when I was in the Pavilion many years ago. He said, "Your life is like a smooth stone being carefully thrown into the center of a mirror-like lake up in the peaceful mountains. (That is your birth.) It doesn't just land and sink. It sends out one ripple that creats another one, and another one, and another one...they continue until they touch all the shores around the lake. We will never know how our ripple (life) has affected others, but everyone we come into contact with will carry part of us away with them. Your life just keeps affecting others, and others, and others..."

That message has remained with me all these years. It is as if it just happened last week. (Well, maybe I should say 5 years ago. I couldn't remember it if it happened last week! lol) Pastor Tim's life affected my life, and I have affected other lives, and they affect others, and others, and others. Without me, you would not be here, nor Kim, not Mark. I am a "very important person."

I'm not the "First Lady," Princess Di, Goldie Hawn, Mother Teresa, or Nanaw; but I "am" a daughter, a grandaughter, a sister, a mother, an aunt, a grandmother, and a friend! That is what God chose for me to be. That means that my life has been lived in perfection with Him.

I just wanted to share this with you! Maybe you will print it to keep so you can look at it occassionally, and smile, knowing that I finally found out who I was intended to be. And...that I am very happy with "who" I am.

I love you so very much, Michael, and am so glad God put you in my life!

With all my love,

Mom ><>

"This is the day the Lord has made; rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24