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LIFE WITH FLO: The Series PREV 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 NEXT
April 20, 2004 - Part 11
Flo can be so very funny. She has been keeping me in stitches for three weeks now. Then, right in the middle of The Dressing Change, THEY WERE GONE! Well, ONE of them was. And the other stitch was barely hanging on for dear life. My understanding is that Picc Lines DO NOT like to go stitchless, so off to the Local Hospital Infusion Center we go. That's a place where they keep all the new stitches, should you happen to run out. They also have other stuff there, like new claves. Flo and I just happened to be in the market for a new clave. You see, ours was STUCK. No matter how we twisted it, turned it, kicked it, or yelled at it, IT WOULD NOT COME APART. So while we were shopping for new stitches, we asked the nice Infusion Lady for her best clave advice. Like any entrepreneur, she didn't want to simply give advice, she wanted to do the job, and CHANGE THE CLAVE FOR US. Now, I am well aware that Flo is terrified of receiving services of any kind from someone who doesn't know he! r well, so I kindly declined. And when I did, the previously nice Infusion Lady made a face and complained "You don't trust me!" My reaction was immediate, and without thought, when I threw my hand over Flo's mouth just in time to muffle her words "YOU BET WE DON'T TRUST YOU!" I politely explained that Flo has a very unusual make-up and I would have to do lots of special stuff once her clave was removed. "Well, we DO that here! It's our area of EXPERTISE!", the Infusion Lady exclaimed. "Well", said I, "there would be priming to do with the new clave and all, so I think I'll pass and try doing this at home during the next line change". Have you ever seen an Infusion Lady dance? Believe me, it's not pretty. She finally turned her attention to our new stitches, and not a word passed between us for quite some time. Finally, she broke the silence, and stated "You know, I can prime that for you. See, all I have to do is..............SNAP THIS CLAMP SHUT.........WHICH SHE DID!....! ...THE ONE ON THE CATHETER LINE! While Flo sat next to me, choking an d fainting, I kept intensely steady eye contact with the Infusion Lady while I slowly reached over and unsnapped the clamp. She continued with her explanation, "And then I would simply FLUSH THE LINE WITH SALINE". At that point, Flo ran out of the room, and with her attachment disorder and all, I had no choice but to follow. In defense of the Infusion Lady, I must say her stitches look nice and feel comfortable. But don't mention that I told you this, because it's not safe to bring her name up in front of Flo yet. A couple of days later we checked with Headquarters, and as usual, she solved the problem. So the clave issue is now history, and Flo is breathing regularly once again. And good thing too, because today we added one more grandmother to the mix, making for 7 nanograms. And that's not even the BEST NEWS. Are you ready for the BEST NEWS? Well I CERTAINLY AM! Oh......wait.........I didn't tell you what it is yet! Well, sit down. Here it is: Tomorrow........ first thing........ I get to call the surgeon and arrange for MY HICKMAN!!! Are you as excited as I am? Of course you're not. You aren't the one wearing this stupid Picc Line. Do you know what I have learned over the years? Some people are slower than others. I have actual proof. I am slow at everything I do, so there's the proof. I eat slow, I walk slow, I clean slow, One summer I was a counselor at a girls' camp. There were 260 girls. No matter what place I took in line during meals, back of the line, middle of the line, or FRONT of the line, I noticed that I was always the LAST ONE DONE EATING. Do you need more proof? Well, here it is. For years it has been common knowledge that when a person first starts to mix and feed Flo, it takes them about an hour, and then when they get really good at it, the time decreases dramatically. Today, after exactly three weeks of practice, I am finally DOWN to one hour. Flo says this is because I'm a perfectionist. I thought this was a perfectly rude thing to say to me, especially when I have been trying so perfectly hard to handle her perfectly. So I told her to shut up and enjoy her perfect meal.
LIFE WITH FLO: The SeriesPREV 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 NEXT
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