LIFE WITH FLO: The Series: Part 14

By Karen Waters

LIFE WITH FLO: The Series

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May 1, 2004 - Part 14

Did you know that all Nanograms are NOT created equal? I learned this first hand. I thought I knew nanograms pretty well by now, and knew what to expect when meeting up with a new one, but Nanogram #8 is like none of her predecessors. She was tricky too, and at first tried to imitate the others, but could only keep up pretenses for the first 24 hours. After that, she showed her true self to Flo and me. Here I was, having just bragged to Headquarters about how little the Side Effects were playing at my house, and WHAM, I was hit with the worst case of flu-like symptoms in recorded history. I looked so puny that Flo put in an emergency order for a case of Tylenol. What annoys me the most is IT'S NOT THE FLU, just a tragic imitation. So, it makes sense to me that the next time I go to the specialist, I should demand they give me an Imitation Flu Shot. The thing about Flo's recipe is that it changes from week to week, so you HAVE to keep checking the cookbook. Each week either the POWDER PORTIONS increase, OR her pump rate is increased, BUT the fluid ALWAYS stays the same, 100 ml, no matter what. Somehow each small recipe change magically increases the number of nanograms out to ruin your life for the next 24 hours. Flo insists that it's a fair and reasonable trade. "Look what I'm DOING for you", she insists. And then she reminds me of how the OTHER six days of the week keep getting better and better. I finally agree. But then she has a complaint of her own, "Look at it from MY perspective," she said, "Every time you add powder to my recipe, YOU feel better, but no matter how much powder you add, I'M STILL RETAINING FLUID!" How could I argue?

Earlier this week, just before Nanogram #8 exposed me to her flu-like virus, Flo and I did something extremely unusual. We took a trip to the GROCERY STORE! She sat humming in the front basket while I merrily wheeled it around. I was hoping this would be an exciting event for her, even one that would help her understand MY world a little better. But instead, she used her most sarcastic voice when she asked "What ARE you LOOKING at?" "Oh, just some old memories", said I, with a most nostalgic smile on my face. "You see, I haven't been here in a very long time, and it once was one of my favorite places to hang out". Gosh, I had forgotten how colorful the produce looked. And how scrumptious the bakery smelled. And how HIGH THE PRICES HAD BECOME! Flo could see how agitated I was getting, and suggested that I not stay away from the grocery store for so long again, so I could adjust to the price increases more gradually. "And BESIDES that", she said, "you need to get out more ANYWAY. You NEED the exercise. You are looking very FAT." WELL!! She had ruffled my feathers enough! So I replied, "That's NOT fat, Flo. For you see, no matter how hard YOU work, I'M STILL RETAINING FLUID!"

LIFE WITH FLO: The Series

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