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June 18, 2004 - Part 19
It seems the last time I shopped for clothes is an extremely ancient, not to mention dim, memory. One day last week I decided to try my hand at it once again. I was right. It IS like riding a bicycle, a really fun skill one never forgets. Although I must admit, there WERE adjustments, and none of them on FLO'S part, I might add. Why DOES this relationship seem to be so one-sided at times? Never mind. There's really no answer to that. So, back to the Ladies Department. Flo and I tried on everything from pants to petticoats, from tops to trousers, from skirts to scrubs, and from dresses to dumb stuff. For a PH patient in a Dillard's dressing room, I did just fine. Flo, on the other hand, kept getting mixed up. She got mixed up in the pants and the petticoats, mixed up in the tops and the trousers, mixed up in the skirts and the scrubs, even mixed up in the dresses, and made EVERYTHING look like Dumb Stuff. When I threatened to send her home, she threatened to cast an evil spell over me that would make me faint, be short of breath, and lose all physical energy with which to shop. I could see that although I held the credit card, she held the trump card, so she was most reluctantly allowed to stay. To our great surprise, almost everything we tried on was TOO BIG! Flo wanted to know how long it had been since the last time THAT had happened to me. "In 1948, when I was two", said I. So, we had to get all dressed again, mixing Flo up of course, to go back out and get most everything in a smaller size. Once I could see that the new size fit, I politely asked Flo, "So what did you do with it?" "Do with WHAT?", Flo demanded. "MY APPETITE", I replied sharply. "I didn't take your appetite", Flo snipped. "I don't HAVE it anymore, so you MUST have taken it, and now I'm losing weight over it", I insisted. "No, no ,no", Flo said, "You LOST it". We went back and forth, and back and forth. I KNOW she took it, but she argues it's common knowledge that humans LOSE their appetites from time to time. Since I despise arguing in public, I finally gave up, and decided I would handle this by having Flo's next pouch custom made to be one size too big. Let's see how SHE handles THAT! Clothes aren't the only purchases Flo and I are making these days. We also decided to buy property and build a BRAND NEW HOUSE. Yep. It's true! I don't know how many Red Letter Days an individual is entitled to in one lifetime, but the day we move in is going to be one of them for Flo and me. I told Flo that in the meantime we will be immersing ourselves in Anticipation. There are times I believe that Flo must think I'm a dictionary. "What's Anticipation?" she asked. "Anticipation is the sum of the bright, sunny,exciting feelings you experience during the time you are looking forward tosomething very, very worthwhile and desirable", I explained. She was quiet for a long while, then asked, "Is that a little like what I feel duringthe time between when the "Low" alarm sounds and when I finally receive a fresh, full, cool, delicious cassette?".Honestly! Of course, she's right, in a very simple way. But, really, sometimesI'm convinced that Flo's I.Q. is lower than her pump rate. Since we get to design this house ourselves, everyone wants a say in what it needs to have in it. Some things we all agree on, like NO STAIRS, a screened-in porch, an attached garage, central air, and enough square footage for comfort, but not too much to have to clean. Now, my son, who presently has only a shower, wants a big tub in the main bathroom. He also wants a Music Room. I told Flo that's just another name for Basement. Now, what I want is a miniscule interest rate, a near non-existent down payment, and mini mortgage payments. Also I would like a guest room, to help ward off Isolation. And for exactly the same reason, Flo wants a refrigerator with no butter compartment. She is also interested in at least one pair of those square feet, since she presently has no feet at all, and these would match her basic body build. By now you can see, the builder is NOT going to think I'm sane. Three days ago Nanogram #13 came to live at our house. I almost immediately evicted her. But Flo insisted we really needed her, so I went along with it.......until this morning. At exactly 4:08 a.m. I woke up with a start and screamed, "FLO! YOU ARE GIVING ME A HEADACHE!" I thought I heard her chuckle. Well, that was it! I'd finally had enough of her shenanigans! So I took a little lesson from my childhood memories, and told FLO what my mother used to tell ME, "You're getting a little too big for your britches, Young Lady, and now it's time to TAKE YOU DOWN A PEG OR TWO!" And so I did. In less than 30 seconds I saw to it that her pump rate dropped from 70 to 68. Yep, I was so ticked I even decided on the TWO pegs, instead of just the ONE. Boy oh boy, was Flo ever surprised! She ever so humbly retreated, and at long last I was able to put the nearly empty bottle of Tylenol back in the closet for a while. And, believe you me, not another chuckle was heard for the rest of the day. Once peace and a pain-free head were restored I sat right down and did something I've been sorely missing........writing a new segment of the Life With Flo series.
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