LIFE WITH FLO: The Series: Part 20

By Karen Waters

LIFE WITH FLO: The Series

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June 27, 2004 - Part 20

The superstitious folks are right. Thirteen IS an unlucky number. At least that's true when it comes to Nanograms. In my mother-in-law's day, she would have referred to Nanogram #13 as being "contrary" (pronounced: con-trAIRy). I hate to complain, but it took an entire TWO WEEKS for Nanogram #13 to settle in and act normal around here. She seems to finally be in control of herself, and has quite politely moved over to make room for Nanogram #14, who is proving to be a kinder, gentler soul, with a much less demanding expense account for Tylenol. I can only hope that she is genetically identical to Nanograms 15 through 20 so there can be peace around here on the rest of the journey towards Therapeutic Dose.

Right in the middle of the Great War Of Nanogram #13, Flo and I have been house shopping, which isn't easy considering the merchandise is all the way on the other side of the world in Vermont. We've gone on line and taken those Virtual Tours until we are dizzy. Not only do they go around and around, they also seem to stretch the rooms in the process, making 1200 square feet look like 2500. Lucky for Flo and me, we have my niece doing all the leg work, which is even extra lucky for Flo, since she has no legs at all. She has looked at so many homes she's finally unable to remember which kitchen goes with which living room. I told her we should just take the best room in each house, stick them all together into one fantastic house, and make an offer. Immediately after that suggestion, the realtor suddenly remembered she had to go on vacation for a week. Go figure.

We have considered everything from building a modular home, to buying a brand new condo, to living on a farm, one with an old house, and the other with a brand new house. After all this looking and considering, I have learned one thing..............Vermont is weird. At least their housing is. None of the houses are normal, like in the rest of the USA. What IS it about Vermont that it would be this way? Maybe it's because I'm mostly looking out in the rural area. But you must understand, the root word for Vermont is "rural", so there is no other place to look. So here's a "For Instance" regarding how weirdthe houses are: Nobody cares what the front of their houses look like. It doesn'tmatter what the sale price, thirty thousand or three hundred thousand, the front of the houses are plain and flat. I thinkthey call it Cape Cod. But to me, it's just plain weird when you can't tellthe front of the house from the back. I pondered upon this issue for some time, even talked it over with Flo. It finally dawned onme. THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT CURB APPEAL. And there's a reason for this. THEY DON'T HAVE ANY CURBS!! Let me explain. Every house is ON something unknownin populated parts of the country......ACREAGE. Yep, along with a house youalso get at least a minimum of two acres, a maximum of ten to fifteen acres, and they also throw in a bunch of free trees. So, with allthis in the deal, Flo and I figure they probably can't afford to include curbs.

But this is NOT the end of the Vermont Weird List. Far from it. Another "For Instance": Homeowners in Vermont have not yet been informed about the existence of CENTRAL AIR CONDITIONING. I haven't even noticed many ceiling fans! I think they have a philosophy there: It's summer, so you're SUPPOSED to sweat! It also seems to be a tradition to put the laundry room in the basement. And if one happens to show up on the first floor, it is immediately interpreted as a construction mistake, and MOVED TO THE BASEMENT! Then there's the matter of the garage. In Vermont, the word "garage" is spoken with reverence. This is because the garage has been lifted to the status of a LUXURY. Therefore, houses cost double WITH a garage, triple if the garage is attached, and quadruple if the attached garage is a two-car instead of the standard one-car. Last week we found the perfect house, one WITH central air AND an attached two car-garage. We were SO excited. Turns out the central air was an ad error, and the attached garage DID NOT HAVE A DOOR THROUGH WHICH ONE COULD ENTER THE HOUSE.

So, Flo and I have been pacing the floor late at night over our house dilemma. Her rate increase has been keeping her up late anyway. Well, we are now considering a gorgeous new house on ten acres of land we will never use. But think of how many free trees we get!! This property also comes with a free barn, a few chickens, and, of course, a plain flat front with no curb appeal. But again, no curb to which to appeal anyway. This home also has more square feet than any of the others we've considered, and Flo likes that because she figures there just might be a few more pairs of square feet in her closet. I can see that she is really looking forward to taking a walk.

In case you were wondering, the packing has begun. The movers will be called on Monday when the Official Moving Day will be set. It is dawning on Flo and me that whether or not we find a house to buy, we ARE moving by the end of July. It has been, and will continue to be, a constant whirl of activity around here, selling the house, buying a house, finding a mortgage, wrapping up an annulment, and tying up every possible loose end that shows it's untied end. Flo asked if we were actually SUPPOSED to be doing all of these major activities concurrently with "titrating up" to our Therapeutic Dose of Nanograms. I told her that any NORMAL person with PH would NEVER do this all at once. But Flo and I are NOT normal. Which must mean we are WEIRD. And that's what makes it so entirely appropriate for us to move to Vermont.

LIFE WITH FLO: The Series

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