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July 11, 2004 - Part 21
There is an unwritten law in human relations that says: Just when you think you really know somebody, they up and surprise you. And Flo is no exception. After a long period of relative stability, her behavior suddenly became RASH. And itchy to boot. In addition, Flo is using the classic tactic from Psychology 101: Blame Transference. First she blamed the dressing,Tegaderm. Then she blamed the dressing, Covederm. And her latest victim is the Betadine. Personally, I think Flo is confused, so the mystery continues. Headquarters is working on a solution, and I'm assured that soon there will not be a rash in sight, or better yet, no rash ON SITE. All of this just goes to prove one thing: It's always SOMETHING with Flo. And last week the "SOMETHING" was Flo's desire to visit the E.R. one last time before we move to Vermont. "I just want to say a proper 'good-bye' to all those nice folks decked out in scrubs", she pleaded. "Flo, you just can't drop in to an E.R. to do that kind of thing. The scrub decked folks are busy helping SICK people, and we just don't qualify to take up their time right now", I replied. "Well then, I'll THINK of SOMETHING", she snorted. And THINK she DID. By Friday evening she had come up with a solution. I didn't even know what it was called. I only knew that it FELT funny. But the E.R. docs figured it out from one of those long strips of paper with the zig zaggy lines on it, and THEY had a name for it: PACs, which in regular language stands for Premature Atrial Contractions. Turns out that since I take those silly 'water' pills, Flo knew darn well that inviting that Green Apple Trot gang to our house so often would tempt them to rob me of my precious potassium stores. In turn, this would be an open invitation to some PACs to attend our party, which would result in becoming Flo's ticket to her coveted 'one last trip' to the local E.R. As you can well imagine, I was annoyed with her, especially when I had to sit and watch her enjoy all the special attention she was getting from the scrub decked folks. She enjoyed every minute of it too, UNTIL it backfired on her! Yep, all of a sudden she found herself in the same room with something she's not at all used to: a little COMPETITION. Flo was absolutely MIFFED to see another LINE become connected for an I.V. bag of fluid. And she nearly set off her alarm when she saw a SECOND bag being connected to replenish the stolen potassium. All eyes were now focused on her competitors, and she suddenly wanted nothing more than to GO HOME. But her previously beloved deck scrubbed folks MADE FLO WAIT ABOUT FOUR HOURS. I think she got just what she deserved, don't you? I, on the other hand, came off the winner. Not only did I rid myself of those most unwelcome PACs, I also recovered my precious potassium stores. Then to top it all off, I left the E.R. with the doctor having presented to me the "Most Interesting Patient of the Night" award. So, now things are finally stable. Flo is at home. Resting. And doing as well as can be expected. In another two days Flo and I are throwing a farewell party for our dear friend, Ms.Tracleer. Yep, she will be leaving us after taking up residence here for the past four and a half years. I will surely shed a little tear upon her final departure. You see, she and I actually STUDIED together. Yes, indeedy, we were in the VERY FIRST CLASS together called The Bosentan Pilot Study, and there were only 32 students in attendance in all of the United States of America and Paris, France. For about the past month or so she's only been dropping by once a day, in order that Flo and I could get used to seeing her less often so as to reduce the shock for us when she leaves for good. To spare her feelings, we didn't want to come right out and SAY we didn't NEED her anymore, but truth be told, we DON'T. Flo has picked up Ms.Tracleer's load, and then some, with ease. I have mostly good things to say about Ms.Tracleer though. First, her presence was easy to swallow. And secondly, she didn't give me any grief when it came to inviting any of those Side Effects jerks to my house. She just didn't seem to even KNOW any of those outcasts, which made her VERY easy to live with. However, I must admit, I will NOT miss studying for those monthly Liver Function Tests, even though I've never flunked a single one of them. Flo and I certainly wish Ms.Tracleer well, and we know there are many other patients she will be helping to have a better life. About two weeks ago I had to sit Flo down and have a serious heart to heart with her, which is NOT an easy task with a clone when you consider they ARE basically heartless. Our discussion centered around our Nanogram friends, and the RATE at which we were inviting them to join our family. Each new Nanogram seems to have a unique personality, but historically we have all been adjusting quite well as we've added one new Nanogram per week, UNTIL NANOGRAM #12 HIT THE SCENE. Yep, looking back, that seems to have been the turning point. Adjusting to #12, #13, and #14 has proven to be a much more daunting task than with their younger siblings. Personally, I believe a mutation may have occurred. Or could it be that we've now hit Nanogram Puberty? You know, like when your sweet little grade schoolers mutate into pubescent, incorrigible strangers at age 12 or 13. Well, WHATEVER it is, I CAN'T STAND IT! So, after a fruitless attempt at brainstorming with Flo, which is impossible considering clones are also basically brainless, we decided to call Headquarters. And, as I've mentioned before, Headquarters ALWAYS knows what to do. The solution turned out to be simple, and it's WORKING! We simply slowed down the delivery of our engraved invitations to the new Nanograms! In fact, we don't even let them take up residence all at once! We now only allow them to GRADUALLY make themselves at home, and what we've learned is that, under these new house rules, they don't seem to be capable of booking nearly the number of performances of the Side Effects as they did before! Now, isn't that just the greatest news? Of course, Flo WAS saddened that this new program will result in it taking somewhat longer to achieve the coveted goal of reaching her Therapeutic Dose, but she WILL MAKE IT eventually, and in the meantime, I WON'T BE QUITE SO MISERABLE, which is very good news for Flo's and my relationship. Just to keep you updated, Flo and I are about halfway packed and most anxious to hit the road for Vermont. However, once we do, we will officially be counted among the HOMELESS. As I mentioned before, the Vermont culture is new to us, in other words, WEIRD. Therefore, most of the houses for sale there are weird. After a thorough search we finally found an unweird house for sale. But then, after some very long and laborious negotiations to buy the unweird house, we discovered the SELLER WAS WEIRD. I mean, have YOU ever heard of a seller INCREASING the asking price on a counter-offer AFTER the buyer has offered the original FULL ASKING PRICE??? Me neither! Flo didn't think it was even legal, and I think she's right. So we decided to bail out of the negotiations, stay with my niece, and her husband, and her brand new baby she adopted from China, and just have fun for a while. Then we will resume our search for an unweird house, and if we can't find one, we will build one. Flo knows EXACTLY where she wants us to build. Right next door to the E.R.
LIFE WITH FLO: The SeriesPREV 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 NEXT
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