LIFE WITH FLO: The Series: Part 22

By Karen Waters

LIFE WITH FLO: The Series

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July 18, 2004 - Part 22

It was early this morning when Flo and I sat down for her Monthly Performance Review. She seemed a little nervous, although she may simply have been shivering from the cold, her body temperature being only 40 degrees and all. I reassured that all her stats were actually pretty good. We went down the checklist, scoring her one by one. Avoiding Line Infection: 100%, Avoiding Site Infection: 100%, Over Booking "The Side Effects" performers: 100%, Increasing Patient Energy Levels: 100%, Decreasing Patient Fatigue: 100%, Decreasing Shortness of Breath: 100%, and BEST OF ALL, Increasing Patient Oxygen Sats: 100%!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!!!! Please understand, the patient is still on supplemental oxygen, BUT SATS ARE UP WHILE OXYGEN LITERS ARE DOWN!!!!!!! Yep, it only takes 2 liters to now do the job 3 liters used to do. And on Room Air, that invisible stuff regular people breathe in and out, the sats are hitting 90 more often than not! Now you just can't get any better than that, especially when you haven't even achieved Therapeutic Dose yet.

So, with all of this good news, naturally Flo wanted to know what's in it for her. So I told her we'd buy a plaque, hang it in the fridge, and put her name on it as Employee of the Month. I KNOW what she REALLY wanted. She WANTS a PROMOTION. However, there's only one promotion available, and that would be the position of BOSS, which of course I'M NEVER GIVING UP. But don't tell this to Flo. It could be discouraging. She already got way too upset when she found out she's not entitled to any vacation or sick days, and the only raises she can expect will show up on her pump.

There are a few more good stats around here to add to Flo's. For instance, Potassium Levels are now up to 3.8, and with the addition of a second Horse Pill per day, the levels should rise to 4 point something or another soon. Another remarkable stat is that we are now 87.35% packed here at home. Well, you can't really call it "home" at this point. It is more like Karen & Flo's Warehouse. You can always tell that the movers should be arriving soon when the boxes are stacked higher than the cats can jump, everything in the house echoes, and all meals are consumed in restaurants. Even with two weeks left to prepare for the final move, I am still filled with a sense of dread about the whole thing. I suppose that's because with a house closing and movers showing up you find yourself having to face a DEADLINE. Now, more than ever before, I understand so much better just WHERE the word DEADLINE gets its meaning. It's because you feel like if you DON'T make it you'll end up DEAD because someone will want to kill you for messing up their scheduled events. Also it's because you feel like if you DO make it you'll end up DEAD merely from overextending yourself. Whatever it comes from, I do know this, DEADLINES and PH don't make good company.

I cannot overlook reporting to you one more good stat around here. Flo and I have recently, AND FINALLY, broken through, and PAST, the 14th Nanogram!!! Yay!!! For a while there I was accusing Flo of having signed up for an Arthur Murray Dance Class. She was doing the Two Step sometimes, then The Two Steps Forward And One Step Backward, and more times than not, The One Step Forward And TWO Steps Backward. Up and down went the pump rate while we figured out which dance routine would be the most fun. But her tenaciousness has won the day, and we are now introducing Nanogram #15 to the family. However, Nanogram #14 has taught us well that it will be absolutely necessary to only allow Nanogram #15 to move into her new home gradually. She won't be completely settled in for at least another four weeks. This is causing The Side Effects to become discouraged with such slow bookings for gigs at our house. I wonder what they'll think when they show up for that last gig we've scheduled here. You know, the one right after Flo and I have moved without a forwarding address.

LIFE WITH FLO: The Series

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