LIFE WITH FLO: The Series: Part 27

By Karen Waters

LIFE WITH FLO: The Series

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March 22, 2005 - Part 27

It has come to my attention that Nanograms are just like everyone else in this world. Some are dreadfully mean, full of Attitude, and make me wish I had Mafia connections who offer Nanogram Contracts. To boot, these are generally the same Nanograms who are guilty of false advertising. I can live with them for an entire week and not even ONE TIME see them perform any of the tasks they were employed to do in the first place. They can see that I am short of breath, or passed out on the sofa with intense fatigue, and the best they have to offer me is more entertainment by their favorite pals, The Side Effects.

On the other hand, there are the GOOD Nanograms. These are the individuals who, as advertised, immediately get busy sweeping all my shortness of breath out the door, and at the same time, bringing huge bolts of energy in. Of course, to be fair, I must mention that even the Good Nanograms have a major flaw. Just like the Bad Nanograms, they can't seem to shake their desire to bring The Side Effects along for a visit. Even more than a visit. Sometimes with an overnight bag, obviously for an overnighter. And the worst of them bring a trunk so as to be able to pop in at will any day, or night, of the week.

I think we might be able to blame all of this on their training at The Reservation, and then again, maybe they simply suffer from the personality disorder ,JPR. You know.......Just Plain Rude. These guys don't care WHAT you are doing, they will stop you in your tracks so you WILL PAY ATTENTION to them. Especially "Green Apple Trot". I found it does no good at all to ignore him. If you do, he will make a mess of things, if you know what I mean. Now "Head Ache" can be ignored for a little while, but then he starts playing louder and louder until you are ready to shoot yourself. And did I tell you that "Dancing Leg" has recruited his two brothers, "Hopping Foot" and "Creaking Joint", to join the band? Plus "Red Face" decided a while back to change his name to "Spreading Rash". And, in case you hadn't heard, the newest recruit is "Twirling Stomach". But the one who seems to want to hang out with me the most constantly is our old standy "Imitation Flu".

Well, to make a short story long, two days ago I met Nanogram #23, and so far, she is unlike any of the others. She is, without question, not a BAD Nanogram. Neither does she completely fit the profile of a GOOD Nanogram. With my fingers crossed, I would like to name her the PERFECT Nanogram. A Nanogram who is constructed of ALL the benefits and NONE of The Side Effects. So far, with the help of Nanogram #23, it has been a lovely week. Amazing things are happening at my house. Laundry is getting done. Out of place objects are being put away. Dinner is on the table. And best of all, I'M GETTING DRESSED!

I will tell you that I have employed the CSI folks to examine Nanogram #23 very carefully to see if there are any indications that she may have been shipped from the Fluke Factory. So far their tests are inconclusive. But I should know more within two weeks after I meet Nanogram #24, then Nanogram #25. And while my hopes are high, I haven't cancelled my delivery of M&Ms I ordered from the Truckload Sale.

Part 28 - March 23, 2005

Ever since I was forced to return to using Daytime Oxygen I've been wallowing in self pity. I did this on purpose. The alternatives were drinking, maxing out the credit cards, or running away. Wallowing seemed to be the cheapest, safest, and most sensible solution. I thought I was doing a good job of keeping the wallowing to myself, but then Flo mentioned that I seemed out of Sorts. I didn't agree. So I argued. She argued back. So I checked my supply, and by golly, she was right. My stock was completely depleted. So I put in an emergency order for all sorts of Sorts. Told them I needed the order yesterday. And so Fed-Ex delivered twenty-five cases of sorts YESTERDAY. Does this sound crazy to you? Perhaps it actually is. But I know one thing. I am no longer out of Sorts. No matter what Flo says.

Flo actually likes the Daytime Oxygen. Well, good for her. I didn't even want to know why. She told me anyway. I suppose all my wallowing must have intimidated her somewhat, because she was whispering when I THOUGHT she said, "I like Daytime Oxygen because it takes two to tango". When I made her repeat it, turns out she likes Daytime Oxygen because it takes two to TANGLE. Well, that might be fun for HER, but it's most definitely at MY expense. I'M the one who has to keep separating the two, and straightening everyone out. And I don't believe this was EVER in my original PH job description, or I wouldn't have signed on for the PH in the first place. I called the nurse about my frustration with these new entanglements. She said something about how it would take patients to handle the problem. Well, darn it anyway, I'm only ONE patient! DO I HAVE TO GET ANOTHER ONE OR TWO OF THEM OVER HERE TO HELP ME OUT? Does that sound crazy to you? Well, the nurse seems to agree with you. As does Flo.

I have to admit that Daytime Oxygen does seem to grant me a couple of advantages. At long last, other people DO REALIZE that I am sick. PH can hide for a long time, but Daytime Oxygen mercilessly blows it's cover. Even Flo can't understand why SHE doesn't have the same impact. Perhaps I should have worn her on my face. I bet that would have done it. There are huge advantages to having something on your face. It's like wearing a big sign that says I AM REALLY REALLY REALLY SICK OTHERWISE I WOULDN'T BE WEARING SOMETHING ON MY FACE. I found that NOBODY looks funny at me now when I park in the handicap space. Little old ladies let me on the elevator first. And EVERYONE smiles at me. If there is a problem at the grocery check-out, or in any place of business, I am treated with maximum kindness. It seems the only conclusion that's logical is that every single day of the year is BE NICE TO PEOPLE WITH SOMETHING ON THEIR FACE DAY.

LIFE WITH FLO: The Series

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