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LIFE WITH FLO: The Series: Part 32
By Karen Waters
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June 5, 2006 - Part 32
Just over a month ago my chest was declared a Disaster Area. FEMA was called in but that didn't calm Flo in the least since she seems totally dependant upon our most prominent resident, that being Hickman Catheter. You see, it all started with a falling out. Not between Flo and Hickman. Just Hickman all by himself. He just couldn't stay put and so, you guessed it, he just FELL OUT. As it turned out, after a fast and comfy ride in an ambulance, our nice friends at the E.R. gave him a stitch in time which saved nine, allowing him a few extra days to pack before his property was officially declared Condemned. Within a week he was evicted. Where he ended up we don't really know. His life was pretty well trashed by then so Flo is assuming the worst. She can't even talk about it. Only that we don't want to know what exactly happens to Medical Waste, which is exactly what Hickman had become, and what Flo fears the most.
The good news is that Flo and I took this opportunity to get away for a while. Without haste a room was booked for us at The Hotel Maine Med. The upside was that the staff seemed to know Flo's type very well indeed, which included all of her special needs. Her special dietary formula, her persnickety pump rate settings, even her unique half-life. However, even with all their expertise, nobody there seemed to have the answer as to why Flo would be satisfied with only half a life. On the other hand these are the same folks who think Flo and I would be satisfied with renting only half a room. We were not. Especially at the rate of $833 a night. When we argued that we should only have to pay half they explained this rate WAS half.
Another upside is (and please don't say anything) they do drugs there. Lots of them. However, the downside is they do drugs there. The Upside Drugs make you feel really good, whereas the Downside Drugs make you feel like you'd better hurry and get to a hospital. There are other downsides too. For instance, something they call Procedures. Flo has decided I'd be better off not to order any of those next time. But, as I explained to Flo, Procedures are your only ticket to getting the Upside Drugs.
Soon the downsides began to outweigh the upsides. Lying around having people wait on us was nice and all, but the 5am wake-up call to jump on the scale was becoming annoying. Especially the part where they announced your weight out loud. In fact, SO out LOUD that it resulted in group groaning from all the neighboring residents of the 7th Floor. And as the groaning decibles began to increase each morning I could only assume the numbers were not polling well. An equally annoying downside was Cheerful Girl who came around three times a day with a tray. Can you believe it? She actually EXPECTED me to eat. Well, I did. But not until the smugglers came in with the McDonald's booty.
Finally we left for home. While we were gone a new neighbor had moved in, this time on the left side of Chest Lane rather than the right, which as you recall had been condemned by now. Flo was indeed happy to meet him. And to her delight it was discovered that he has family ties with our now departed Hickman. In fact, he is so close a relation his name is Hickman Catheter II. Flo informed him that she is Flo The First and will NEVER be replaced. I told her to drop the attitude and be nice to him. Right now we simply cannot afford another falling out.
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