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LIFE WITH FLO: The Series PREV 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 NEXT
April 12, 2004 - Part 8
Since the day Flo moved in I've been involved in a new occupation, PREoccupation to be exact. I was discussing this with my husband yesterday. "Flo is all I think about anymore", I complained. "Mixing, bubbles, ice changes, site problems, dressing changes, line and pump changes, claves, supplies, contamination, picc line taping, cassette changes, side effects.......... must I go on?" Everyone voted 'No'. Then my husband replied that he already KNEW of my preoccupation with Flo. "Oh, I didn't know it was so obvious", said I. He sat up very straight in his chair, making every effort to be in the best possible light. "Take a very close look at me", he said, "What's different?" After an embarrassingly lame and incorrect guess, he finally told me, "Three days ago I shaved off my beard." YIKES!! See what Flo can do to you?! I went to see my investment broker guy this morning. Since Flo has come on the scene I've had an epiphany regarding sure bets for my investment dollar. I told him it's time I bought some different stocks. He went to get my file. It was way in the back of his office, in the Puny/Pathetic Portfolio section. When he returned I handed him the list of my new investment choices and told him to move all my money, including my rolled pennies, to: Isopril Alcohol, Sott Paper Towels, Dial Disinfectant Hand Soap, Glad Zip Bags, Saran Wrap, Johnson & Johnson Paper Tape, Duracell Battery, Inc, Cold Ice Gel Pack Corp, and ANY company manufacturing products stamped 'ONE TIME USE'. As far as I can tell there are two ways to get to the front of the line for medical treatment. The first is to always show up in the emergency room via ambulance. The other is to make sure that you hold the position of being your primary care physician's first, and only, PH patient. Then you make an appointment with him for the express purpose of allowing Flo to scare him. When he has to sit there and ask YOU about your new medication......... well........ there you've got him! Flo and I felt like two lucky ducks when we made our first visit to Dr.Primary. We asked, "Whatever should we do if I get sick and need to see you IMMEDIATELY and your first available appointment is year after next?". Well, right then, he called his nurse in and introduced her to Flo. Though she tried to hide it, we both could tell, the nurse found Flo equally scary. Then Dr.Primary secured the use of his most formal and serious voice when he said to her............... and I kid you not.............. "When Karen and Flo call in and need to see me, make room. I DON'T CARE IF WE HAVE 2000 OTHER APPOINTMENTS THAT DAY, SHE COMES IN! And, if it's my day off, you make sure she sees Dr.AlternativePrimary. She will be the only patient in our practice with this privilege." Flo smiled with satisfaction and, I must admit, I felt really special. But I told her I was quite sure there must be better ways to get that feeling. Well, that's not all Flo accomplished at Dr.Primary's office that day. We explained to him about our planned trip to the Emergency Room. You know, the one where we are going to show up at the front desk, looking not sick at all, and then say we want to talk to someone in charge so we can explain just how scary Flo can be if she decides to practice one of her emergencies. Dr.Primary agreed that the person at the desk was going to look at us funny. Sooooo, as soon as I get some printed instructions from whomever it is that prints instructions he will set up an appointment for Flo and I to meet with the Chief of the E.R. so Flo can have a chance to scare him too. Then Dr.E.R.Chief can have a really scary staff meeting about Flo, and we're all set! Today was 'Accredo Calls Me To Reorder Day'. That's when I found out that PREoccupation was not going to be my only new occupation. My other new occupation requires me to do INVENTORY. I just recently learned the NAMES of everything, NOW I HAVE TO COUNT THEM TOO? You can see that things never seem to stop surprising me with Flo. That's what keeps me in a constant state of not knowing whether or not my husband has a beard. Well, the other duty in my new job description is: ORDER CLERK. Humph! By the time I found THAT out, I'd had it. So, I told Flo, if I HAVE to do this, then I'm going to be very good at it, and order anything they have! Did you know they will send you extra sterile gloves? Oh!....... wait!........ that sounds like an oxymoron! Nothing can be EXTRA sterile! It either IS sterile, or it ISN'T. But if the gloves you have on ARE sterile and someone comes to the door, and you either purposely, or accidentally, shake hands with them, then they're not sterile anymore, now are they? Therefore, Accredo will send you extra sterile gloves, even if it IS an oxymoron.
LIFE WITH FLO: The SeriesPREV 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 NEXT
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