PHCentral (Pulmonary Hypertension) Features: The Hill, a poem

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The Hill, a poem

By Jode Cox (Email: contact/jode+joderae+com)

The road keeps getting longer

the farther that I walk

A head wind seems to push me back

I don’t have the breath to talk

My lungs they burn, my heart it pounds

My throat is getting dry

I see a looming hill ahead

And now I want to cry

To you this hill may seem small

To me it is a mountain

I don’t want to ask you for help

I keep going as fast as I can

I slow with every footstep

Until I have to stop

I find a way to busy my self

To pretend there is nothing wrong

To admit this trouble to you

Is to admit it to myself

I don’t want to ask of others

I want to do this myself

I feel this is all my fault

If only I could heal

The shame I feel at every gasp

This journey has become too real

If only I was stronger

This disease I could have fought

It silently crept up to me

The illness I don’t want

Each day I am able to do less

No matter how hard I try

For now I can only do my best

You don’t even understand why

I used to run and jump and play

Nothing too hard to do

Now the smallest task I take

I must ask for help from you

You think I don’t see the resentment

The bitterness in your face

You think I chose to be sick

To give up on my life in this place

This hill is not enormous

The one you gave to me

I will make it to the top

I will do it just for me

Please share your thoughts with Ms. Cox about her work. Feedback is always much appreciated.

Read Comments (17) • Make a Comment

Maria M. from GA June 26, 2010
The poem describes how I feel every single day. I'm so reluctant to ask for help, but I have to do it survive. I began to cry half way through reading it. "The Hill" represents physical challenges (hills, stairs, dressing, housework, etc.) and emotional (guilt, embarrassment, depression, etc) challenges. Although recently diagnosed with PAH (5/10), in 2000 I was diagnosed with a disease that has caused me to be on supp'l O2 for the past 5 yrs. My youngest son (soon to be 6) knows his way around concentrators & E tanks too well. He was 10 months old when I became dependent on supp'l O2 24/7. Recently, he began saying, "Mommy, one day you won't need the oxygen. I'll be so happy when you can come outside and play with me."

Cozette June 26, 2010
I love this.
I live this.

Barbbe50 June 26, 2010
This poems says it . How I feel. I the stuggles change everyday and those I know do not understand. Thanks for sharing.

Laura June 26, 2010
Amazing. Your words are priceless. You have managed to capture the feelings of so many people who struggle every day with this and other diseases that leave you breathless. I am sure this poem will be read,printed and passed on many many times to husbands,fathers, sisters, mothers, children friends,caregivers, nurses and doctors...You have made a difference."-)

marilyn Clark June 26, 2010
After reading the hill 2 times I decidedyou must have a way into my brain only I know that I can't exress myself like that. I can't tell you how wonderful that is. Just to know there is someone out there with the exact same feelings helps more than you will ever know.And!!!!!!then be able to say them so well and interesting. If you write any thing else pleaseshare. Thank you. You helped my day and maybe my week! Hugs, Marilyn like

Chrissy June 26, 2010
This poem brought tears to my eyes, it's exactly how I feel and could never put it into words. Thank you and God Bless!

linda holzer June 27, 2010
thank you jode ...it says everything i feel and more...bless you

Jode July 01, 2010
Thank you all for your kind comments. I was feeling a bit down, and things were bouncing in my head. I decided to start writing it down. I just quickly wrote down what I was feeling. As it poured out, I realized how much of what I had been carrying around, and keeping to myself was there in front of me. I shared it with one of my daughter's first. I think she was suprised. I didn't know I could write either. I decided to post it here on the website, and got feedback right away. The most amazing part is you guys all got it, I mean really got it all. This has been a blessing to me in many ways. But mostly in the way that it has helped others. If it does nothing more than make you feel less alone, then that is the best I can hope for. Do feel free to share it, I hear it can be related to other illnesses.
Hugs!

Connie July 03, 2010
You said it so eloquently, it brought tears to my eyes. Now I have it in writing that I am not making this up!
Thank you, Jode.

Margaret July 13, 2010
Hi Jode,Thank you for putting this in poem form,you know that poems relly touch some many in the same way, yours should did that, i am feeling that very way today, i get very depressed at times, and then i pray and pull myself back together realizeing that this is never going to go away, so hey I tell myself,Hey Margaret get over it and do the best you can....with what you got.... when you can.... Bless you Jode

Scott H july 17, 2010 July 17, 2010
PH since 2006 speachless is all I can say only us ph ers would understand this life we live everyday especily the part (i find a way to busy myself and pretend theres nothing wrong) how true this is to me !!thank you for the insperation god bless and keep the fight

Janice Tucker July 19, 2010
This poem is exactly how I feel....

cathleen July 20, 2010
Jode - what a touching and true poem. I dread hills. I will be walking along feeling like a normal person, then just see the smallest incline and feel defeated. No one understands but us. Thank you for sharing.

Vanessa August 30, 2010
this is really an amazing poem.thank you!

D Butler October 06, 2010
The poem says everything perfectly. You sure have a way with words.

Kathie November 02, 2010
How did you put into words what I think every single day? I don't want to lose my fight with this monster that has overtaken my life. Through my tears I say thank for putting into words what I feel each and every day.

Holly Galloway February 18, 2011
wow you said it all just like i wish i could so many times. that you for you words. now i know i am not alone in this long hard lonely walk.

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